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I realize I am early in my reconciliation journey, but I am finding myself being very anxious (to the point of feeling like I am having a panic attack) when I am not with my wife (even thinking about it sometimes when I know we are going to be separated). I am not working right now (contemplating full retirement, but trying to avoid making any big decisions until we are further along in our healing) so am fortunate that we are together almost every day all day

For context, I have never been an anxious person. I have held C-level jobs for the last 20 years that involved extreme pressure and one reason I was successful is I could navigate difficult and complex situations with icy veins. Since DDay I have been messy anxious.

My wife and I have had more real and deep talks over the last two months than the first 32 years of our relationship, we walk together every day, are both in IC, etc. She has been more than anything I could have hoped for and is all in on reconciliation. I know nothing is guaranteed and we are in early days, but she knows everything about me (disclosure included going back to childhood / early sexual trauma, FOO issues, etc) so for the first time in my life I have someone who loves me and is not abandoning me knowing all my good and bad. When I am with her I feel safe in a way I never have.

I am still working through abandonment issues and maybe those are more acute when I am not with my wife. I worry I am too clingy and putting a burden on my wife when I should be shouldering her burdens. She has always been more social than I am and I know she needs space and time without me and with others.

Looking for any advice if others have experienced something similar. I have had pretty wicked insomnia of late and often wake with very vivid nightmares. Heart is racing and head hurts. My IC (and chatgpt) have given breathing and grounding exercises, but they are only semi helpful).

What are your thoughts when you’re apart from your wife and you’re feeling anxious?

...one reason I was successful is I could navigate difficult and complex situations with icy veins. Since DDay I have been messy anxious.

Breathe, man. Breathe...

Navigating difficult and complex situations is a lot easier when you know what you're doing, have an education, experience, training, mentoring, etc., as well as the confidence and competence that comes with all of that hard work and success.

So, I'm sure some of that anxiety is based upon feeling the exact opposite of the above paragraph.

Hysterical bonding hit me like a frickin freight train. I think my exww experienced it, too. Seems common enough for both betrayed and wayward spouses in R.

You're unpacking a lot of FOO shit, too, which can be extremely difficult, painful, and taxing.

When it comes to reconciliation, leaning into one another can be comforting and reassuring, help to reestablish bonds and heal. However, in the end, what's important is each partner being at peace with themselves, on their own.

Alleviating the anxiety takes time. Exercising, eating healthy, staying hydrated, journalling, therapy, church, meditation, breathing and grounding exercises, apps and stuff... I tried them all. Try different things until something clicks for you.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:47 PM, Sunday, October 26th]

Ghostie - I wish my thoughts were rationale and linear with my anxiety, but they seem disconnected. Example from yesterday, I am trying to get outside with my brothers to play golf as one of the suggestions from IC is physical activity, social interactions, etc. We have all been scratch golfers (one still is, but I gave up the game after graduate school) so this is usually how we bond and spend time together. I was feeling heavy chessted and hyperventilating two minutes into my drive. My wife could tell something was off before I left and offered to drive me the hour to the course, but I did not want to burden her so went solo. Cannot think of anything I was thinking consciously when the panic set in. By the end of the round I was in a better place, but was touch and go the entire drive to the course.

Unhinged - your comments are spot on with chatgpt. Dealing with things that are deep and involve unresolved trauma is totally new to me. I realize my brain is trying to rewire deeply ingrained circuits and that can trigger anxiety. Your comment about being able to navigate business world resonated. I have training and experience to handle those situations. I am just starting to navigate the issues I have now and my tool kit is in its infancy. I think accepting that anxiety is a natural reaction rather than a defect is helpful. So hard to feel like I am not in control of anything (including myself).

Appreciate the feedback.

I wonder if having mantras written down (or maybe read by your wife and recorded?) would help for those situations… Whenever you feel that anxiety cropping up, you could take a moment (pull over, dip into a restroom, etc.), perform one of your breathing exercises, and read/listen to your mantras. The brain is a funny thing, where it will sometimes overwhelm itself with emotion, and the logical thinking part loses control. Maybe filling it with helpful thoughts that counter the anxiety would do the trick?