SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not reconciling because I want to.

If it was possible to get custody of my kids and leave her forever without going broke, and making the kids hate me for putting her on the street, I would already be gone.

She believes she should be absolved of being held accountable for cheating because she has Bipolar I and was delusional while she was doing it. She has been hospitalized twice for it and takes medication.

She acts like accountability and seeking forgiveness are beneath her. I should take her word that she feels awful and believe her claims that she feels horrible and that she’s done with cheating. I should sweep this under the rug a second time and treat her like the victim an feel bad for getting mad at her.

She’s also magically cured and forgiven by God when it benefits her argument.

Apparently, I should be so ashamed for exposing her infidelity to family and friends.

I can’t make rent or pay the car payments without her financial contributions. I already tried all my family and friends. I have no support system. My dad is dead and my mom has another life with a different family and I've never been welcome.

She can’t afford to live on her own with what she makes. My kids will hate me if I kick her out. She has nowhere else to go.

We work in the same office and both of our jobs are under threat due to our conflict and ongoing economic problems plaguing the employer.

She knows I’m stuck so my options are to take her half hearted crocodile tears and humor her or fight with her every day until I’m mentally ill also.

I’m so sorry you’re here. From the sound of it, she’s not taken any real accountability or acknowledged the pain she’s caused you and your family. Regardless of whether or not this was due to her mental illness, she still caused this devastation.

You don’t have to reconcile. The only reason why I did was because my FWH proved everyday that he was genuinely remorseful over YEARS. YEARS of effort. He wasn’t perfect at that. But, over the long haul he proved trustworthy again.

Have you talked with an attorney? Many will provide an initial consultation for free. Just knowing what my options were gave me some peace of mind. Can you look for a job at another firm? Second reconcilation? Is this a different AP? I have a lot of questions. You do have more options than it might seem. If you conduct yourself like the reliable adult, your kids will see your WS for what she is. The truth always comes out. Hang in there.

I’m so sorry you’re here. From the sound of it, she’s not taken any real accountability or acknowledged the pain she’s caused you and your family. Regardless of whether or not this was due to her mental illness, she still caused this devastation.

Thank you, I know she caused this. I was faithful and never dreamed of doing anything like this.

You don’t have to reconcile. The only reason why I did was because my FWH proved everyday that he was genuinely remorseful over YEARS. YEARS of effort. He wasn’t perfect at that. But, over the long haul he proved trustworthy again.

Mine doesn’t think she has to prove anything. She impatiently asks me what I want from her and then finds ways to avoid doing what I need or tries to convince me that’s she’s already done that in her own way. Like I said, accountability and remorse are beneath her.

Have you talked with an attorney? Many will provide an initial consultation for free. Just knowing what my options were gave me some peace of mind.

I did pay for consultations with two different lawyers. One seemed to think I could get full legal and physical custody and quoted me $15,000 ballpark for legal fees and another $10-15,000 to pay for psych evaluations and related things required to make it happen. The second lawyer told me around $10-20,000 all in depending on how cooperative my wife is saying it could double if she gets her own lawyer or makes false claims. The second lawyer seemed to think full, permanent legal and physical custody would be hard to get in our county due to the judges and family court system being biased in favor of mothers and corruption in the system that favors child support arrangements and supervised exchanges and visitation. I doubt she can figure out how and also afford to retain a lawyer, but she’s liable to say or do anything due to her illness. She doesn’t come from money but her dad is sort of eccentric and frugal and might be able to throw her 10-20k for lawyers if she cries to him and makes it seem like I’m taking her kids away.

From my end, I really don’t have anywhere to pull that kind of money from either way… unless I want to max out credit cards I’ve been spending the last 5 years paying down and then file for bankruptcy. As mentioned, I’ve asked all my family and friends for help and nobody can.

During fights she screams that I can take the kids and says she’s going to sign them over to me and then other times she says she’s going to get a lawyer and fight me for custody even though she can’t win because she says she would rather bleed us both dry and end up on the street proving to her kids that she tried to fight for them.

Can you look for a job at another firm?

I’ve been looking and interviewing for two years since I caught her cheating the first time. My industry has been hit hard by the current political and economic downturn and th only offers I’ve gotten have been nearly half what I currently make with less benefits. I’ve been trying to pay off my cars so that I might be able to take a lesser paying job to start over, but it’s very hard when I’m barely making ends meet as it is. Again, I have no family or friends to crash land with. Every one sends thoughts and prayers and makes it very clear that their basements and guest rooms are off limits.

Second reconcilation? Is this a different AP? I have a lot of questions.

At this point I’ve caught her having virtual affairs on two occasions with dozens of men. You can check my post history. She’s sick. She preys on vulnerable men online and uses them for sexual attention. I also suspect that she had a physical affair with someone at her last job 4 years ago, but she’s never admitted it and I can’t prove it.

You do have more options than it might seem. If you conduct yourself like the reliable adult, your kids will see your WS for what she is. The truth always comes out. Hang in there.

Thanks, and I hope you are right about having more options.

The older of the two kids understands everything and sadly witnessed most of her behaviors and our arguments. The younger one thinks she is her hero and clings to her. In the eyes of the youngest, her mother could never do any wrong.

I do know that in the long run the girls will see what’s going on because their mother isn’t going to stop being mentally ill. I just want to save them from the chaos and I want to be able to live my life without being in this prison.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 1:58 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

After reading your response, my first thought is to get those kids outta there. She may have a mental illness. That's no excuse. That is her responsibility to fix rather than let it damage her relationships with you and your children.

During fights she screams that I can take the kids and says she’s going to sign them over to me and then other times she says she’s going to get a lawyer and fight me for custody even though she can’t win because she says she would rather bleed us both dry and end up on the street proving to her kids that she tried to fight for them.

The long-term effects on your children of witnessing this could be devastating. If you have to run up credit cards and do bankruptcy to protect them from that....that is definitely something I'd explore. Your youngest will eventually see the truth.

She doesn't sound worthy of a reconciliation. I don't say that lightly. In the years I've been on this forum, I think it's the first time I HAVE said it.