SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am wanting to reach out to my wife's AP's wife. They are married with kids and it is digging at me I haven't said anything for these two months. I was able to find her on social media and a possible home phone number on the Internet. Any advice on how to reach out? What do I say?

My wife says they have no contact. My main reason for wanting to tell the AP's wife is I feel like an accessory to their affair by not saying anything. Another reason is a lot of folks on here say it is necessary to ensure to affair is ended.

It's early but my wife and I are working on reconciliation. I'm not wanting to tell her I am doing this. If it gets back to her it likely means contact was never broken. Her reaction would likely tell me alot of what I need to know.

I'm not wanting to tell her I am doing this. If it gets back to her it likely means contact was never broken.

In my opinion, this is the best way for you to know if No Contact is going on. If your wife learns you did tell the APs wife, then you know for sure.

The main reason for telling is that his wife needs to know to regain her agency. Surely you would want someone to tell you if they knew about your wife's betrayal.

Yes I would definitely want someone to tell me. My wife even said she would want to be told if the roles were reversed.

Bigger gave you somewhat of a template as far as to what you should say, and as usual, his advice is very good.

Bigger wrote:

All you need to tell her is what you already know:

They have been sharing sexually explicit content of each other.

They have spent time together alone in their vehicles and in the stairwells.

That you are concerned that they are having an affair.

That’s it. Don’t make any claim that’s not true or you can’t corroborate.

Find her number, phone her and tell her. Introduce yourself and be direct. You are sorry to have to tell her this, but believe she deserves to know.

Just stick with the actual facts and keep it as matter of fact and gentle as you can. It probably would be best to call her directly if you have a phone number. A Facebook message or text could potentially be intercepted, but if that's all you have, then that's all you have.

Remember, no matter how you or your wife feel about it, this is for her and her agency first. As you alluded to here, you for sure would have wanted to be told if the AP's wife's had discovered it first, right? If it gets back to your wife or gets the AP to back off those are just helpful side effects for you.

ETA: You could maybe lead in with "Hello, my name is TrashPanda. You don't know me, but my wife works with your husband and I've uncovered some evidence concerning my wife's and your husband's relationship that I think you should and deserve to know." Then add what Bigger typed up, or some version of that. If you need to, gather your evidence, write it down and have it in front of you.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:40 PM, Tuesday, November 18th]

If I remember correctly from your other thread the AP is aware that you know about the affair. That means his betrayed wife’s social media and phone may be compromised. If he has access he’s probably blocked you or is monitoring to intercept any message from you and reply with some form of thank you but please respect our privacy as we work on our marriage.

If she works outside of the home contacting her at her job would insure he couldn’t intercept. If she doesn’t you may have to take a day off and hand deliver, at a time you know he’s at work, a short note with the basic details and your contact info if she wants to know more.

Thank you. I think I'll definitely write it out, at least the main points because I know I'll forget something. I would much prefer a phone call over an Instagram/Facebook message.

I'm also fairly certain I found their address too, not that I want to do that route.

I'm definitely not blocked by either of them, but I still wouldn't want to risk if he's monitoring her stuff.

[This message edited by TrashPanda7 at 7:41 PM, Tuesday, November 18th]

There's no easy way. This is so hard. I'd just call her and say, "Hello, I'm TP7 and I want to discuss an important personal matter between my wife and your husband. I discovered they've been having an affair for...however long it is.
I know how awful this is, I'm sorry to tell you, but I feel you should know. If there's anything you want me to tell you, I'll tell you what I know. You can call me back too if you wish as I know how hard this is."

I'd get right to the heart of it before she can cut you off. She may already have some inkling that this is going on, people often do.

I think that's all you have to say. You can voice call or text but text is easier to pass on, of course. I'd do voice call myself. She really needs to know, for herself and her kids but also.....your wife may not be the only person he's involved with, and there may have been others before. There probably will be others after.

Be prepared for any kind of response, including anger, but once you tell her, that's the limit of your responsibility. You don't need to do anything else unless you both want to. So if she gets angry or upset, just be easy with her...."I know how hard this is how much it hurts, I'm going through this too. I'll let you go now but you can call me at any time." She may yell, she may cry, she may say nothing, she may thank you, she may want all the details, she may want to meet. You can decide at that point, but once you've told her, you don't have to do anything else, IMO. I think it would not be uncommon for her to get very upset but maybe want to talk to you later. Think of how it would be if someone just told you this, especially if you had no inkling. She might not be surprised - she might be grateful even....but I think this is always a shattering thing to discover.

It's a very hard thing to do, but it's the right thing to do. And it will help to end the affair or make it more difficult to continue, on your side.

If you do have a sense that AP might monitor the messaging (as I guess he knows you know), you could also try meeting her in person - I know it might sound a bit stalkerish but you could just show up someplace you know she'd be if you know what she looks like. I think it's important that she knows, for her own good and her children's. I would want to know, no matter how upset it might make me at first.

I'm very sorry your wife has put you in this terrible position. If we had any real punishment in the world, SHE should have to go to his wife and tell her this because your WIFE is the interloper here. It really makes me angry that on top of all the other bullshit she's done, she puts you in this position where this even becomes an issue. I would seriously reconsider reconciling if I were you. I really think people should be publicly shamed for this behavior, probably right in the middle of the town square.

Yeah definitely do not try to make first contact with her by email or Facebook message etc. I can’t tell you how many times it has been reported here that those were intercepted by the AP.
I distinctly remember at least once where the AP had one of his other women pretend to be his wife!
Top tier would be phone contact at her place of work. But sometimes it can be difficult to track down where they work.