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Mondays are therapy days for both my wife and me. Our therapist is having us work through the book Courageous Love by Stephanie Carnes. As part of that process I put together a "full disclosure" that went through all my sexual behavior and substance abuse from childhood onward including the affair. The betrayed partner then puts together an "emotional impact" letter that they read to the Wayward. Today we did a joint session and my wife read the emotional impact letter.

We have had many talks since I initially disclosed the affair three months ago and also subsequent to the full disclosure. There was not any material new information in the full disclosure, but putting everything together in one document was a heavy process and reading it to my wife took a heavy emotional toll. My wife has shown more emotion in the last three months than in our entire marriage combined. I have told her even though she did not know about the darkest parts of me, I think subconsciously she never felt safe enough with me to be totally open and vulnerable. She also did not come from a family that talked about their emotions so it is a new muscle. I thought in our many talks she had expressed all the raw pain and trauma that she has been feeling; however, like many assumptions I was very wrong.

The combination of therapy and working on the emotional impact statement really pulled some of the deepest thoughts and emotions she has had over the last three months. I thought reading the full disclosure was difficult, but listening to my wife articulate the full impact this is having on her really broke me in a way that reminded me why I have put up walls and compartmentalized since I was a young child. I am a recovering addict and have also not had a drop of alcohol in 20+ years, but my thoughts went very quickly to trying to figure out how I could numb the emotions I was feeling.

I am trusting the process and my wife did say after the session that she thinks reading the letter was helpful for her. I spent the last 30 minutes of the session solo with the therapist and when she asked how I was feeling I told her I feel so helpless and hopeless as I do not see how my wife will ever heal from that level of pain and trauma. The wounds seem so deep right now. I know the passage of time has a way of helping the healing, but I am having trouble seeing a time when all of this does not feel as omnipresent as it does right now.

I know this will sound crazy to some, but I told the therapist that I really wish I was on the other side of the betrayal. I can deal with people hurting me. My biggest traumatic events are from those who are supposed to love us unconditionally and I am finding a way to process that. I am having a hard time living with the knowledge that my actions are inflicting a level of incomprehensible hurt on my wife who is so innocent in this process. That is so not the person I want to be and that conflict is torture.

Posting this more because SI is my outlet for these thoughts, but appreciate any support and love from the community. Today was a really heavy day.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 12:50 AM, Tuesday, December 2nd]

That does sound overwhelming.

I will counter you on this- your wife’s ability to express herself in safety is helpful, and hopeful. Yes, this part sucks but think of it as letting the poison out. Feeling heard and seen despite knowing how hard this is for you is empowering- she is owning her feelings.

It’s rough work and I know it’s exhausting, but this is great progress.

I ache for your both of you, I remember these days, and nights, and weeks. But what you are desecribing it’s healthy and is a path to healing.

I will say a prayer for you both tonight.

Very heavy, but part of the formation of the new you. Stay the course. Let it teach you. With all your strength, make amends. ❤️

I admire your steadfast commitment to walking this excruciating but honest road.

((((((FVL)))))) ((((((Mrs FVL))))))
Firstly, I am terribly sorry for the pain you are both feeling, my heart breaks for you both.
However I just want to emphasize how wonderful it is that Mrs FVL has provided you with such a gift of R and vulnerability - I'm sure the letter was difficult for you to hear, but just imagine her wound healing a bit with every word. I would like to believe that your being there, steadfastly by her side, is very reassuring to her.

I know the deep shame and darkness that comes from seeing the pain on your spouse's face from your own actions. I wish I had some advice to lessen that pain, but all I can provide is my support to you and how proud I am that you are facing this with courage. Although we can't change the past, I believe you're doing the best you possibly can now.

Also, I wanted to give space to your paragraph below:

I know this will sound crazy to some, but I told the therapist that I really wish I was on the other side of the betrayal. I can deal with people hurting me. My biggest traumatic events are from those who are supposed to love us unconditionally and I am finding a way to process that. I am having a hard time living with the knowledge that my actions are inflicting a level of incomprehensible hurt on my wife who is so innocent in this process. That is so not the person I want to be and that conflict is torture.

Thank you for sharing this. I understand it is a difficult thought to express, because I have struggled with this.
I was the BP in my relationship before my marriage. Also, in my marriage, we are MH. I betrayed him 13 years ago while in college, and he was unfaithful during our engagement and marriage.
Yes, these betrayals hurt. I was very upset and blindsided, and trust has been difficult. However, that pain is hardly comparable to the overwhelming torture and shame of being the betrayer - of seeing the pain on my partner's face when I disclosed my infidelity. My own actions are what have haunted me for the last 13 years, and what still keep me up at night every night.
Perhaps comparing the pain of being the betrayer vs. the betrayed isn't fair, and I'm sure many people in a MH situation have different experiences. But I just wanted to share that I relate with you, and I'm so sorry.

You are doing the right thing now. That is hard, that is courage. Be proud of that. We are here for you.

I'm hesitant to write this because I don't want to add to your stress at the moment. However, it's my hope that it might shed a little light on what to expect for the foreseeable future.

The betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock to the system and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. The one thing that never ceases to amaze me is just how hard infidelity hits people. It is devastating. It will profoundly and permanently alter the nature of your relationship. It will change her, just as it did me, in ways that can take years... to fully understand.

If she's anything like the rest of us, she'll go through phases, just as I did - grief and sorrow, anger, rage, confusion, denial, bargaining, resentment... and detachment.

There is no rhyme or reason in this process. It's neither clear nor linear. These phases are almost random and they will probably repeat, often with no indication that it's happening.

You'll want to be as patient as George Washington, as flexible as Simon Biles, and as resilient as Rocky Balboa. When she's falling down the rabbit hole, jump in with her. When she's as cold as ice, be her coat. When she needs space, back off.

When you have questions and don't know what to do, the lights are always on here at SI.

Remember, reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

Peace, brother.