SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first time posting. I am F46 and have been married to my H55 for 24 years. We have 2 grown up children (one getting married very soon).

Last week I went on holiday to see our new holiday home. My husband went to get a shower and I don't know why but a voice in my head told me to check his phone. (I have not done this in over 20 years). He is using a different phone whilst abroad (I assumed borrowed from family). As I started to scroll up through the messages, I genuinely thought it was someone else (owner of the phone) chatting to a woman. I was convinced it was not him until I reached the top where he had sent a picture of himself.

In that moment I felt my heart drop and my world spin. I frantically screen recorded everything, my hands shaking from the shock. He came in the room and I confronted him. I started to cry, my body came out in a rash and he was trying to console and explain everything. He answered all my questions and said it was a huge mistake and sheer stupidity. The messages only lasted about two weeks, approx 6 months ago. There have been no follow up calls and I can see that they never met.

My issue is we have clear boundaries in this regard. He was very persistent and asking her to meet which hurts deeply. The fact it is where our new holiday home is also fills me with fear for the future.

Unfortunately this is not the first time this has happened. I found similar messages at the start of our marriage although they were very innocent ‘hows your day, what you doing’ type messages. At that time I forgave him. He was honest and told me it was an ego boost. It felt easy to forgive him as the messages weren't flirty or sexual. We are all human, we all make mistakes and maybe something was lacking in our marriage or in his confidence at that time.

Up until now I have felt so secure in our marriage. We have been the best we ever have and seemed happy and in love on both sides. I never questioned his loyalty to me and he has never given me reason to be suspicious. It has come completely out of nowhere and I am struggling to understand why he has done it.

He swears on everything, his faith, his beloved late mother and his life that he has never met another woman or ever cheated on me and has no desire to be with anyone else. (Somehow, I do believe this)

He sent me voice notes of him sobbing uncontrollably about how he had risked everything he held dear for a lapse of sanity. He has messaged me constantly asking and begging for forgiveness and that he will do anything for the sake of our marriage.

I flew back alone (his ticket was already extended to complete the build). I was so hurt at the airport that I could not hug him or even look back (This broke him completely.) I love him with all of my being and to hear him so upset is killing me but I am staying firm and told him that I am unsure how I feel about our future.

In all honesty, I just want to pretend it never happened as everything was so good until that moment (or so I thought). Do I give up on 24years of marriage for a two week blip? Will I live with constant paranoia now? I feel like I’m slowly going insane, I cannot sleep, I’ve lost so much weight. I look ill and he is genuinely worried for my health (he watches me on the ring doorbell) and has said he will pay for counselling for me. No doubt this has affected my confidence, self esteem and mental health.

We agreed that we will not discuss this with anyone else currently as we do not want this to overshadow or ruin our son’s wedding. But that is making things so much harder as I am having to carry on as normal with everyone.

I do want to say that I know he is a very good man, he is kind and treats me and our children well. He is an extremely hard worker and always strives to do his best for us. I know he is genuinely sorry and remorseful for what he has done however I do believe that the first time is a mistake and the second is a choice!

Would you give him one final chance? Would you lay down any conditions?

It might be the pain talking but I cannot see my life without him (I know nothing else) and could not start again.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I pray that everyone gets to a place where they feel peace with whatever decisions they take and to those who offer support and a kind word - you are angels x

I'm so sorry. I hear and understand your love for your husband. I felt and feel the same for my wife. I want you to hear me say that no matter what anyone tells you, reconciliation is possible, and don't let anyone who only knows you from a message board post tell you to divorce and forget him. I also want you to hear me say that you probably don't have the truth yet. You may get it eventually, but you are at the beginning of this. Don't pledge to never leave, don't give in to hysterical bonding, even as he dotes on you and woos you back. He may be completely genuine in his efforts. I hope so. Even if he proves to be, take this SLOW. I did not. As others will tell you, I'm sure, IC for him and you should be set up now. Wait on MC. I'll let others point you to the right threads for first steps.

I am sorry to say in all liklihood there is more.

I have been trough this exact scenario more than once. Don't rush to believe his words. It buy into his crying fits. Hes sorry he got caught. Is he remorseful? Only time will tell.

Do not sweep this under the rug, as tempting as that is ... it seems less painful but in reality it isn't.

Unless your spouse is a unicorn, this is not the only time. It's just what you have caught.Even if there is no more (I was convinced my spouse was a unicorn and boy was I wrong) the fact that he did it once (well actually twice) already means there is an issue that needs to deal with.

Once is enough for betrayal.

Don't make any rash decisions right now but dont sweep it under the rug! .

Sending some hugs and support. It sucks to belong to rhis club :(

[This message edited by lizziej at 11:35 PM, Tuesday, December 9th]

Welcome to SI and sorry you're in our club. First, did you read some of the posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum? Please take a moment to look through those, especially the Tactical Primer. There are some other posts that aren't pinned that are really good. You may need to scroll a few pages to find them, but you can find by their bull's eye icons. There's one that discusses boundaries and consequences. At the top of this forum is an article regarding regret and remorse. It's doubtful that he's found remorse yet, he's probably sorry he got caught.

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An A (affair) is tons of decisions to lie, cheat and betray.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Bonus points if they have infidelity as a specialty. If you any of the APs (affair partners) were in close proximity, there's a high probability they did have sex. If so, you will both need tested for STDs/SSTIs because there are some nasty diseases out there. If you have trouble with depression or sleeping, maybe discuss medication with your doctor.

Your WH (wayward husband) also needs IC to work on his issues. He should also read How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Watch what he does and don't listen to his words because you've already found out that he lies.

If you're having trouble eating, try protein shakes. Stay hydrated. Exercise can help you process the pain from your body.

Your old M (marriage) is dead, but you can R (reconcile) if you're both in 100%. It's a lot of hard work.

You may wish to search "sunk cost fallacy" which is basically saying that we have so much time invested that we should keep going. FWIW, I file for D (divorce) the week before our 34th anniversary. My XWH (wayward ex-husband) wasn't doing the work to become safe.

We do have other members where both partner worked hard and have been able to successfully reconcile. It's really tough to judge.

The first time was also a choice. He didn't accidentally message another woman. He made the decision to do that.

I'm concerned by the fact that he was trying to meet up with this new woman. That they supposedly never met up doesn't matter. I wouldn't believe him about that. Either way, he wanted to. He essentially told that he would've met with her if she had agreed. What do you suppose would've happened if they had met? What was his intention?

R is possible if he is completely honest and transparent and can show you empathy, and if you can forgive him. You don't have to make a decision now. You can also always change your mind.

In my case, I stayed because of circumstances. If my circumstances had been different, I would've D'ed. 11 years later we are basically reconciled, but I am not happy. I can't forgive what my H did. I knew that from the beginning. His betrayal killed any love and respect that I had for him. But, that's me. Others on here will tell you that they are happily R'ed.

I did not realise how helpful I would find this forum. Thank you to everyone who has taken time out of their busy lives to give me (a stranger) support and empathy. Deep down I know how I feel and the decision I should make but it scares me immensely. I read straight away not to make hasty decisions. I think that is one of the most sound pieces of advice when dealing with something like this due to the emotional rollercoaster it brings with it.

No consequences = No change
Why don't you put your hand on the red hot stove element? Because somewhere you learned that if you did that it hurts. Set boundaries you want. Enforce those boundaries. He learns he can't go beyond them. Or he finds he can't live with them and you both go your own way. The equation gets longer with more elements when you add kids and houses and family but in the end the math all still adds up. People only change when they have to or they want to. He doesn't want to. So you make it so he has to.

I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:

1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of grief, anger, fear, and/or shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.

2) Your WS heals themself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.

3) Together you build a new M.

This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive without your WS, but you need your WS to R(econcile). You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making survive and thrive your primary goal and R your stretch goal.

Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.

I think there are a number of keys ingredients to the decision to R.

First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but both D and R are moral responses to being betrayed.

If you want R, I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your W will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.

The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.

Common requirements include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond
Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up

MC - to help communications between the partners, if one or both partners want MC

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?

And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being equal to you to recover, but you sure can't R, except with an equal. (This is what Wallop meant when he wrote 'Pleased to meet you', IMO.)

R is very rewarding when both partners want it an do the work. It seems to be hell on earth, though, if one or both do not that work. Being betrayed is bad enough - spare yourself the pain unless you want the reward and have a partner who will join you in the process.

Have him swear it on a polygraph.

I’m so sorry you find yourself here with us. I still remember today my discovery of my wife’s affair like it was yesterday. That feeling of everything you felt sure of in this world is now in question. I was very codependent in the beginning and didn’t want to lose my marriage so when she said I love you, and want to be with you I felt relieved and convinced reconciliation was possible. As I began to work on myself in IC, I became less codependent and this scared my now ex wife. I gave her 4-1/2 years to do the work necessary to prove to me she could change and become a safe partner. She fought the work with every effort she could and finally after the passing of all that time, and having done everything that I could to save the relationship, I realized we were no longer meant to be. She needed IC to work on herself but I can’t make her do that, she has to want to and she showed me she wasn’t willing to. That’s when I knew it was time to move on. She really made me dig into our past time together and see her actions for what they truly were, and what I’d been blinding myself from because of my codependency. Give yourself time to fully grasp what has happened, find a good IC and learn about yourself, learn your true value and worth, I guarantee it’s way higher than you believe it to be. Your husband needs to show you actual work that he is addressing his issues for you to ever feel safe with him again. It’s no easy path but some wayward spouses on this site have done that and as a betrayed spouse, I respect them for their work and the changes they made for their spouse.