SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Forgiveness, will try to make this make sense…
How and when do you forgive yourself for what you allowed during your partners affair? I’m annoyed with myself for how I allowed to be played. How oblivious everything was but I didn’t trust my gut. How long I allowed myself to be fooled for.

How do you forgive your partner/ex partner. Or not forgive them but let it go? Even if the relationship ends. How do you just let it go so it doesn’t consume, make you bitter?

The affair partner? In my case she tries to make out she was unaware of myself and our children. Obviously he was telling her other things but I reached out multiple times, he lived with me and didn’t make time for her. I’m not sure how much clearer she needed it.

So my question basically how do you forgive yourself, your partner/ex, affair partner? Not for them but for yourself so you’re not holding on? If that even makes sense?
And when does it happen?

Missme,

So my question basically how do you forgive yourself,…

Forgiving oneself is one of the most difficult thing a person who has experienced betrayal can do. I believe the reason that it is so hard is that there is no fault on a betrayed spouse to forgive. You trusted, that is what a loving partner does. You believed, because that is what a loving partner does. You were wronged not you were wrong. Your trust was used against you no differently than a gun is used against a person being robbed. Who would blame the person being robbed. All that said, I spent far too many years/decades trying to find forgiveness from me to me for wife’s decisions.

...your partner/ex, affair partner?

I’m not a good person to answer this question. I’m not a big fan of the idea of forgiveness so I’ll let others give you their thoughts. For me, it was about trying to understand what I could and accept what I couldn’t understand. Then allow for change to occur.

And when does it happen?

In your own time and in your own ways. I would like to add that there are stops and starts, forward movement and backward movements that can go on for years and, in my case, decades.

Asterisk

So, first you have to define what your part in being deceived merits forgiving yourself.

I think, with some introspection, you will find that your assessment that being snowed, turning a blind eye, not recognizing, experiencing denial, trusting someone untrustworthy, amounts to being unable to solve an equation where not enough information was given. You had previous understandings that were false. You were attached to those understandings. You wanted to trust, feel cherished, special to this trusted person in ways that you thought precluded this kind of reality. In your misunderstandings, you believed you had this.

Now that you know otherwise, you are angry with yourself for not knowing otherwise, before you had the information to do that! In retrospect, things seemed obvious, etc. you go over it a thousand times, asking yourself why you didnt have the magical ability to see omniscient truth. There might be some anger towards yourself for ways in which you were a supportive and good partner. If you hadnt been so all in, this wouldnt be so unjust, right?

You could never have done that. You certainly cant go back. You are holding your previous self to an impossible standard. You are blaming the wrong individual for what happened to you.

That kind, loving soul whom you were was treated badly enough by someone else. Your previous self deserves to be loved and regarded with compassion, not heaped with notions of having failed for not recognizing being the only one acting in good faith. You deserve to be accepted by yourself for the good in your heart and the truth of being loveable, capable, and sufficient. your misused trust deserves to be mourned. It was a beautiful, silver prayer lived in earnest, and crushed by circumstance beyond your power to help.

Carry that dream in your heart with love for yourself for having had it. Its so sad that it was broken, because it was so beautiful that you had it.

That would be a pretty good foundation for acceptance. And if you process your feelings enough, forgiveness will come, as Asterisk said, in your time, in your way.

Accept and forgive yourself first. Forgiving the partner and the Ap can come later. When its right, you wont have to force it. Probably wont be possible without healing yourself first.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 1:36 PM, Saturday, December 27th]

I think that saying I need to forgive myself for being cheated on is a non-starter for me.

I think it’s akin to me being stabbed, and then saying I need to forgive myself because the blood from my wound stained the carpet, or because I had knives in the house.

No, I don’t need to forgive myself for trusting the one person who vowed to stand by me, be my loving partner, and to be faithful all the days of his life.

I don’t need to forgive myself for placing my trust in him.

I also won’t forget what happened. I won’t forget the lies and pain.

Am I obligated to forgive if I decide to stay?

I don’t know about that. I’m hung up on working towards trying to rebuild my trust in him, believing I know the full truth, and trying to believe he loves me at all. I can’t begin to understand if forgiveness is necessary for moving forward or not. I’m still in "heal the wound" phase, I suppose.

Some people think you need to forgive to stay together. I was one of them before this affair. Now, I don’t even know.

Healing from infidelity is complex, and individual. In my case, I think I forgive his fundamental weakness. But not the lies. Not yet.