SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,
I’m new here and honestly never thought I’d be posting something like this.

I got married in October, and just a couple of weeks later, on November 2nd, I discovered that my husband had been messaging women online in explicit ways. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened as there was a similar incident in 2023. At that time, we went through couples therapy and worked on rebuilding trust, but looking back, I don’t think either of us fully understood the depth of the problem or why he was engaging in this behavior. We addressed the surface issue, but not the root of it.

Because of that, I truly believed we had worked through it and moved forward in a healthy way, which makes this new discovery feel even more devastating, especially given how soon after getting married it occurred.

From what I can tell, the messages seem to have started in September (during a very stressful period - no excuse) then stopped for some time, only to be picked back up again during the week everything was discovered. After finding out, I went through his phone and app downloads thoroughly, going back as far as I could. As painful as that process was, it does appear that this recent incident is the only slip-up since the 2023 situation. While that offers a small amount of clarity, it doesn’t take away the hurt or the loss of safety I’m feeling.

Looking back now, the wedding itself doesn’t feel the same. When I look at the photos, I feel blissfully unaware and at times resentful knowing that what should have been one of the happiest moments of my life has now been shattered. It feels like something beautiful was taken from me, and I’m grieving not just the betrayal, but the memories and meaning I thought those moments would always hold.

Finding this out so early into marriage has completely shaken me. I feel like I’m grieving the relationship and life I thought I had, while still living inside it. Some days I feel relatively okay and almost "normal," and other days I feel overwhelmed with sadness, anger, insecurity, and resentment. The emotional swings are exhausting and confusing.

My husband is remorseful and believes this behavior is tied to issues with control, ego, and self-esteem rather than wanting to leave the relationship. He has also stated that this behavior does not arouse him and that he isn’t engaging in it for sexual gratification, which adds another layer of confusion for me as I try to understand what this was about and how to process it.

Unfortunately, our couples therapy was abruptly paused due to circumstances outside of our control — our therapist unexpectedly left the practice, and we have not yet been contacted to transition to a new provider. Because of financial constraints, it hasn’t been possible to immediately replace both couples and individual therapy, which has made this process feel even more isolating. That said, my husband has started attending a weekly mens support group to begin addressing his issues while we figure out next steps.

Right now, I’m trying to take things day by day, focus on calming my nervous system, and not force myself into decisions I’m not ready to make.

I’m here because I don’t feel like many people in my real life fully understand what this kind of betrayal feels like, especially so early into a marriage. If anyone has been through something similar, or has insight into what helped in the early days after finding out, I’d really appreciate hearing from you!

Thank you for reading!

Welcome to SI. There are many variations on the way being betrayed hits the BS. If you keep posting, you'll see you're not alone.

CC is about the relationship, but your relationship didn't fail. Your WS did.

It follows then that your WS needs help solving his problems, problems that he's identified. He can change if he does his work. If he doesn't change, though, he's not a good bet for the long term.

A good IC can help him. My reco is for him to find a good IC and put CC on hold, unless you have an issue that CC is designed to help with.

I think you're absolutely right not to force a decision. You're right to have faith in yourself to decide when you're ready.

This is a giant fail for your H. If you weren't M, I think we'd all advise not going through with the wedding. But D is a lot bigger deal than cancelling a wedding. Here's the thing, though: if your H really is remorseful, and if he follows though on changing from cheater to good partner, you could get yourself a great, long term partner. I've been with mine for 60 years, and that is incredibly satisfying, and it's a possibility for you.

OTOH, you're under no obligation to R. If your H doesn't do the work he needs to do, D is probably your better choice, and D is probably your better choice if you just don't want to grow old with him.

A good IC can help you deal with the anger, grief, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed, so I'd recommend considering IC for you. A good IC can also help you monitor and evealuate what your H is doing to change.

SISOON gave you great advice. This is a him problem, not a marriage problem.
And you are in the honeymoon period when things should be so happy and fun.

Infidelity is a trauma, and you are probably feeling it in ways you did not expect. You need to take care of yourself.

First get full panel STI/STD testing and have him do the same and show you the results. Cheaters lie, and some lies can kill or give you incurable diseases. If he really wants to repair things, he’ll willingly do this even if he claims that nothing physical has happened. Don’t be embarrassed getting this done- doctors have seen and heard it all and they will be supportive. Don’t have unprotected sex with him until this has happened. (Also you may experience having/wanting a lot of sex right now— totally normal. Enjoy it as it is often short-lived but protect yourself).

Take care of yourself. Eat healthfully, avoid drugs/alcohol, get some daily exercise and good sleep. If you are having trouble eating, try protein shakes. If you are having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor. The infidelity diet is brutal and not healthy. These steps will help your body, mind, and emotions. Some of us ended up on anti-anxiety or anti-depressants for a short period to help us get through this. No shame in this game if you need it.

DO NOT make any big decisions with him right now. This is not the time to get pregnant, buy a house, get a dog ,etc. Give it six months or a year to see how all this shakes out. Protect your finances just in case.

Get IC (individual counseling) for you. You need to get to clarity on what you want. Your partner has cheated twice on you, and right after your wedding. What happens the next time things get tough? Do you want to be the phone police? Have this over your head for who knows how long? Each one of us has to decide what we want, and it will have something to do with how your WS (wayward spouse) behaves and if he ACTUALLY works on this issue this time. But how many chances do you give someone? IC will help you answer these for yourself and give you an outlet for your feelings.

Read in the healing library and all the posts with the bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum. (You may have to page back a few for those). Especially look for the ones talking about before you reconcile and the difference between regret and remorse. Great stuff in those.

Talk to a lawyer. Not to file for Divorce (D), but for knowledge. Knowledge is power and we feel so powerless right after DDAY. There may be implications to your security that you need to be aware of - protect your future. Some lawyers offer free consultations - talk to 2 or 3. Don’t tell him about this- it is for you.

Read about the 180. It’s a way to detach emotionally for a bit to give yourself the breathing room you need to process all this and decide waht you want. It will also help you have the distance to watch his actions instead of listening to his words. Words are cheap and easy and don’t mean a lot. Actions tell you a lot more.

What is he doing to fix this? What steps has he taken to fix what he has broken? Any books, website, finding therapists and making appointments, or other concrete actions (like sharing phone passwords, apps like life360, etc.)? Is HE taking the lead in trying to repair? Or is it all words at this point? He need to be the one driving the bus here if you want to R (reconcile).

Lastly, is there anyone IRL you can talk to? Someone who will support you whether you R or D? A ride or die bestie or sister or pastor or other trusted person? Talk to whoever you need to, but remember that some will not support you if you R and they think you should D. Until you know what you want, try to use the less judgmental friends.

You will get through this and be okay, no matter it turns out. It may not feel that way today, but the folks here have been through it and gotten to the other side. It will take MUCH longer than you want (we’re talking years, not months) but you will thrive.

Keep posting.

I am so sorry for you. As you said, what should be the happiest time for you and your husband has now become one filled with pain, betrayal, and all the other emotions associated with being cheated on.

You have gotten some good advice from the previous people here at survived infidelity, so I don’t need say it again. However there is a good book called "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda McDonald. I strongly suggest that your husband reads it. I would recommend it to you as well as it can give you some really good advice on what to expect.

Please do not think you have to make a decision right now about whether to continue with this marriage or not. While there are so many red flags, it could be that your husband does address his issues and never does this again.

What doesn’t look so great right now is the fact that the two of you addressed this situation in the past and yet it resurfaced again. Most often these types of interactions are more for an ego boost or some type of a cheap thrill however, that’s not to say that they have not been in physical contact.

It would certainly be ok to agree to try to R but after a period of time change your mind. You ARE NOT obligated to stay married if you realize that this second occurrence is a deal breaker.

I’m going to suggest you protect yourself by having your own $ in an account he has no access to. Keep separate credit cards too - no joint accounts. I would also suggest that for 2025 you file your taxes as "married filing separately" until you know where this will go.

I understand your feeling about your wedding. Those photos are no longer the same for you. That makes me sad.