SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Out of no where, the other night, my husband told me that he cheated on me. I’m in absolute. shock.

We’ve been together 12 years, married for 7, and even more… newly pregnant with our 4th child.

Not that it matters but it was with a childhood friend, and there was no sex, a "moment of weakness" was his initial description - what began as an emotional moment/conversation turned very inappropriate for a married man - very much cheating nonetheless. All of their conversations prior to are unable to be accessed (which I feel would clarify some things for me, most were done via Snapchat 🙄). He kept this whole thing from me for nearly a month (our discovery of the pregnancy shortly after the infidelity is his excuse for not telling me sooner). I want to vomit thinking about the acts he took with her, and then came home and did similar with me. I’m utterly disgusted by him with that. I don’t know how he "was able to not think about it" and carry on with our lives for weeks, it feels like our lives were a lie in that time.

This is never a position I thought I’d see us in. Cheating is something he has always felt passionately against. I believe he is sorry (he told me out of guilt, I honestly probably would have never found out had he not told me on his own). Part of me wishes I could just ignore that this ever even happened, but that’s obviously not a healthy or realistic choice. Part of me wants to uproot our entire lives and separate - which would be beyond huge, I have FOUR young children to think about (I know regardless it’s going to take time to navigate before any decisions are ultimately made, but my mind is moving so fast)

We have 3 kids, and one on the way. I’m so freaking hurt, utterly confused… 💔I just don’t know what I (or we) do next really. Counseling of some sort is going to be necessary of course, so needing to look into that asap.

I do believe he feels poorly and is sorry, but to what end? Did he realize me and his kids are the best thing that ever happened to him and doesn’t want to lose that? -can I ever be sure? I also can’t live indebted to him the rest of our lives either. He’s hurting so bad by this since telling me, which also feels unfair - I’m the one who is new to this information, I should have the space to be the hurt one (but of course I would be concerned if he showed no emotion on the matter). Hormones are at play here too, which feels like another unfair aspect lol. This feels far too heavy. Hoping for some input and advice on my particular situation.

Sorry for the rant to anyone who reads this far. I’m clearly struggling to process, and not prepared to have a conversation outside of anonymity. He’s supposed to be my best friend, the one I have always turned to for comfort, how can I be comforted by him now? 💔

Hi Lostandshocked. First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I can relate to you on many levels and I'm sending you all the love and strength in the world right now.

I have a 10 month old baby and found out about my partner cheating 5 weeks postpartum so my baby was tiny.

It was easily the hardest thing I've ever had to go through with hormones still raging, trying to figure out how to be a mum to a newborn and it sent me into postpartum depression. I had to, in the end get support from my local specialist mental health team (they helped me so much to manage this, particularly postpartum rage I felt). I was really not myself and that whole time is such a blur. I thought at one point that I wasn't going to make it, I was suicidal.

But I'm better now, although not over the affair fully even 9 months post D-day. It's a work in progress. We are still together and working on it every day.

What I want to say to you right now is that, as hard as it is right now, you need to prioritise your mental wellbeing over everything else including your husband because all your babies need you. You are in such a vulnerable position being pregnant, with hormones doing their job and this revelation affecting your mental state. My advice would be to reach out to a mental health professional specialising in antenatal care. Don't try to do this on your own, you deserve support. You haven't done anything wrong and please don't be ashamed to speak to people who you trust. If you don't want to speak to friends or family, honestly a professional is a good choice as they are not personally involved in your situation and the support will be confidential. Maybe you can talk through some of your thoughts and feelings and over time make a plan.

...but don't force yourself to make a plan right now. You've only just found out and it's a shock. You don't need to know whether you want to stay together or leave him just yet. Think of the practicals right now and making yourself and your babies as comfortable as possible.

In the meantime, if you are leaning towards reconciling I totally understand as you have a beautiful family together and responsibility to your children, and a history and it sounds like you've been together through a lot. It's understandable to not want to throw it all away because of your husband's actions. Nobody here would judge you for wanting to keep the family together, nobody.

Equally, nobody would judge you for wanting to leave. He betrayed your trust and you have to put yourself and your kids first.

I think it's a good sign that he came clean and told you. That to me shows that he's uncomfortable with keeping this secret. My partner didn't tell me. The AP did which made it so much worse. I wish I never had to have communication with her but hey ho.

If he is remorseful, watch his actions. Ask all the questions you need to make sense of this. Not to give him excuses, but to truly understand what he is asking for you to forgive him. Then you can make your choices. Remember that this is still your life, although he did something beyond your control at the time, you have control now. You can make decisions based on the information you have. You got this.

I really feel strong empathy towards you as a mum. You are in the right place here with the right people who have heaps of wisdom to share and we are rooting for you, whatever decision you make.

[This message edited by JustSomeWoman at 9:56 AM, Friday, January 2nd]

Good morning, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here.

Gently, cheaters lie, if I were you I would schedule an appt with your OBGYN and have her do a complete STD panel.

You are probably in shock, it is going to take time to sort through your emotions, I am wondering if the other woman, this childhood friend, was threatening to tell you herself, therefore his confession. Anything is possible with cheaters, but the positive thing is he confessed, please be vigilant bc probably 99.99% of cheaters never tell the entire truth. Most of us here have the been there, done that, have the T-shirt.

There are some great articles in the Healing Library, check them out, knowledge is power.

Know you are not alone, so many here who have walked in your shoes, if you have a TRUSTED family member or friend or if you are so inclined a member of the clergy who you can lean on for support, allow someone close to listen to you without judgement.

On my way out, just wanted you to know you've been heard.

What is positive in all this is the fact he came and told you about what happened.

Know that sounds weak. But as far as reconciliation goes, that is a positive step. It indicates what I believe is a key-factor in a successful marriage: no major secrets.
What he needs to factor out is WHY he allowed this conversation to get to where it went. In my experience it’s mostly about validation. For some reason he felt a need for validation that he was then getting from this form of communication.
Validation is fine. We all need and we all seek validation. Only we tend to do so in healthier ways. For example; he could peek into his kids bedrooms before heading for bed himself and appreciate his kids – them sleeping peacefully and then going to bed with a woman who loves him and is carrying his next child... THAT is validation.
It’s not your role to validate him – but I think that he needs to find out the why to what he did.

Follow up- has anyone had success recovering Snapchat messages? Their communication was almost exclusively through that and he now has her blocked/deleted. I really feel like knowing what is in there would shed a lot of light into the situation. I don’t want to go through the trouble of telling him to recover them if it isn’t possible