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I really need some perspective on this but I'll keep it as brief and to the point as possible. 

In 2024, my BS and I found out my mum had been having inappropriate conversations with our then 12 year old. Conversations and questions about mine and BS marriage. She also told our daughter to keep their chats a secret. It nearly destroyed our R. Following that, I made it very clear to my mum that it was unacceptable and cannot ever happen again. We still allowed her to have overnight stays with our children. 

Then in summer 2025, our daughter (now 13) shared that again my mum had been having these conversations with her. Effectively giving the impression that my BS is unstable, too strict and questioning my loyalty to her (BS). She again, told our daughter to keep these conversations a secret. This caused daughter a lot of anxiety.

I will be honest and say that due to foo issues, I handled it very poorly when I found out. I was not protective of my BS as I should have been and instead I took out my fears of having awkward conversations with my mum, on my BS. 

In fact, I admit I was horrible and manipulative to my BS - in fact I went as far as to say to BS that if my mum ended up killing herself, I will never forgive BS. 

Anyway, I did then accept that a conversation needed to be had with my mum about what she had been saying to our daughter. And although BS and I agreed that she could not have our children again overnight and only have supervised contact, I did not mention this to my mum in the conversation for fear it would push her over the edge. As expected, my mum hung up on me and basically called our daughter a liar. She then ignored me for two weeks, which really hurt me. My mum and I did however have a few text exchanges whereby I really outlined her behaviour and exactly how damaging it was to our daughter asking her to keep secrets from us. Again, she took no accountability. 

We have managed to delay the topic of overnights, until now. My mum has now asked whether the children can stay in February half term. 

This is where I need some perspective. 

We both devised a text message to send to my mum, but there are a few sentences we have not agreed on.

I wanted to send the following paragraph. This is because I did not feel the need to reiterate what I had already said to her last year about her behaviour and felt it was simply adding more conflict to the situation. 

"I’ve had a lot of thought about it, and I still have concerns over what happened last year. I don’t want to revisit everything, but my trust was broken, (daughter) was upset and (BS) was completely disrespected. The discussion never really got resolved either."

However, BS wanted to send the following. This is because she feels the need to see me be fiercely protective of her as I was so awful to her last year and let her down. She said she needed it to feel safe. She also feels that my mums behaviour needs to be named and reiterated as she refused accountability previosuly, and also felt we are reframing the issue of the children now staying because we are simply uncomfortable. I however felt it was too angry sounding. 

"The issue is, is that I still have concerns over what happened last year. I don’t want to revisit everything as I was cut off last time I tried to talk to you, but you broke my trust, you had really inappropriate conversations with (daughter) and asked her to keeps secrets from us, as well as completely disrespecting (BS) . And when I tried my best to raise it there was never any accountability."

To be clear, the rest of the message we have agreed on is pink and fluffy and reassures her she will still see the children and suggested we meet soon for a dog walk (BS will not go), asking when she is free. We did try a few versions but I suggested we could again try to reword it but BS refused as she says she felt I kept trying to water the wording down. 

I am not happy, because my BS has said that I am being weak, I have small balls and has said that if I can't just sent those few lines for her, as she feels she desperately needs, then she would divorce me. I told her I was not happy being bullied and manipulated. 

I've sent my mum a message more in line with what I was happy with, and true to my mums colours she is now ignoring me anyway. 

My BS has asked whether I still stand by my decision to send a version that I felt comfortable with, instead of the the one that she says she really needed, despite the further fracturing of what's left of our marriage. I've confirmed that yes, I still standby my decision as its not fair to treat me like a puppet and that I'm really unhappy too. As a result she says she can't come back from this, but I just don't think it was right of her to force me to do something I don't agree with and yet she keeps throwing at me how I've done XYZ and she's still tried to R, so why couldn't I do this one thing.

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 6:42 PM, Friday, February 6th]

I will be honest, it’s hard to understand your perspective because to me the text messages were very similar. Your wife might have been slightly more descriptive. And it was appropriate for a second offense.

I think that tye biggest issue here for me is about protecting your children. The fact your mother is:

a) finding her need to dig for information and maligning your wife in front of your children more important than your daughters feelings or well being.

B) blaming your wife for behaviors that you have had a lot of influence over with your own behavior.

C) had been give a direct boundary and still crossed it once again.

Indicates that you should be less fearful of your mother, less protective of her. I think that this is a toxic relationship that you feel emotionally responsible for her. You must feel more emotionally responsible for your children and your wife on this matter. it would be hard to earn trust back if you are never going to take a stand for your primary family when someone is doing terrible things.

I am sorry, I definitely side with your wife over this. This is a second offense and should be much firmer. Your mother is a grown adult who is responsible for her actions and emotions. If she is holding things like suicide over your head that is manipulative and controlling to a degree that would beat whatever she thinks it is your wife is doing.

Given the text wasn’t rude nor was it dramatically different than what you wanted to send, I think you should have sent it, especially since she expressed the need to feel you were protecting her and your children. I don’t think that would have been you being a puppet, I think that would have been you laying down the law after a second break of boundaries.

I honestly feel like if you feel like you are a puppet, you are still More focused on your own pride and ego than making repairs.

Thanks for this and it's always good to get your perspective. I just want to clarify as my point I don't feel I made overly clear.

There hasn't been anything happen since this was originally dealt with in August 2025 where I made it very clear her behaviour was out of line. The relationship between my mother and I and the children is significantly different and certainly not where it once was but it was never in doubt that at some point we would be saying they wouldn't be going down.

She has asked a number of times but it's only been since my emdr that my mindset has shifted to a more less fearful response and I was all for getting this sent across.

My issue was, this was addressed in August 2025 the text between my mother and I was very clear and it didn't feel like it needed to be dragged up once again especially given the lack of anything HOWEVER I was very happy to still work with my BS and send what was needed.

When BS initially advised me what she wanted sent I was all for it, but then it changed three more times escalating in tone and I simply wasnt happy with the wording however made it clear that I was willing to try and look to make it fit more with what she wanted to say however she refused to discuss it.

Re the puppet remark, I didn't overly make that clear.... No becks what I said was that they are my parents and I don't believe I should just be a puppet and blindly do what I don't agree with. Then much later I simply just said tht fine I'll just be a puppet in this marriage to which she confirmed she didn't want... it feels as though its "my way or the highway" and to be clear this isn't the only time this has happened with her forcing things upon me and going against my wishes even pre the A

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 8:45 PM, Friday, February 6th]

Oh and sorry my mum never threatened suicide but she is mentally a bit fragile and has clearly a number of issues. She has no real coping strategies and I wouldn't put it past her to go do something stupid....i bought it up in a terribly shitty way to my BS at the time as I was very defensive about it all rather than simply expressing my views