SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hikingout,

I want to point out that many BS here have been in a situation where our WS had affairs that followed this path. Maybe we are a little triggered? I'm not sure. I think I am.

There were friendships that seemed suspect or a little overly friendly. We questioned and were told we were overly suspicious by our spouse. It was a problem with us. We questioned ourselves and our instincts. Then our spouses start avoiding talking to us about their actions. We are given a deflection or diversion, and an outright lie eventually about what they are doing. But we start kind of blaming ourselves for not trusting.

Then it all turns out to be what we suspected in the beginning. Damn.

I'm not saying that this situation is that. However, it's difficult to fault thatbpguy for his suspicions. I don't agree that this is a pathology on his part. It's perfectly reasonable to me to expect your partner to be up front about what they are doing, even when it's difficult for them to do it - well particularly when it is difficult for them to do that. How do you trust them otherwise? I also think it's perfectly reasonable to know everything about friendships with the opposite sex.

Anyway, thatbpguy, if you do need therapy I think it's reasonable to think this isn't all about your or that you have unreasonable suspicions or expectations in your marriage. Your wife should step up if she expects to be trusted. That's my opinion.

KD agree so much. your last part inspires me to say I recommended IC with similar thoughts. I was mostly motivated by the statement that bpguy feels it's on him to mount an effort to trust W instead of on W to earn trust through actions. That rang many alarm bells to me around codependency, coping, etc

I am not sure how my post negates that. Here is what I had to say about this in my last post:

Because BPguy is sensitive to her talking with other men, she also probably didn’t want him to make those interactions awkward as it’s a networking thing and you do need to form professional relationships that are strategic and not based on gender.

I find it to be a problem that she befriended someone new that was male and was hiding it. Being open is the better path towards building a comfort level and trust. It makes me feel like she will lie to him when he won’t like the answer.

She needs to work on her avoidant tendencies. I do not think any dishonesty in a marital relationship is normal or healthy.

I do not think it’s some pathology on his end that other. I am merely acknowledging he came into this marriage with unresolved trust issues. Many of the bs here did experience the not just friends situation, in fact, it was some of the situation when I had an affair.

He has said in the past his first wife, the one he said as cheated on by was gorgeous, they had this passionate relationship, she was his first and only true love.

When he married the woman he is with now he as always described her as fit, but other times he has talked about how she was plainer and he had married her more because they developed a deep friendship, and that she knew how it was to be cheated on and they both sort of wanted safety and calm and they came together under less sweeping romantic notions and more about safety. He has always said he watches her very carefully.

So I can acknowledge both things at once- that he has every right to feel pushed away and that there has been dishonesty here, and lack of communication, and no sensitivity around how this might be triggering to him.

But I also acknowledge exactly what you did which is if he really doesn’t feel like he can have trust because she is not able to be teachable or do that, then what is it he is doing? Is it a true issue she is causing or one that she is trying to walk around in the wrong way?

The reality is - she should not have done any of what has been discussed in this thread. But it doesn’t make it infidelity. They have communication problems, trust issues from his end, possible boundary issues in her end, and so some of this problem has been created together.

She has been a bs, and I would say if she would do that to someone else then she would be worse than an average ws who can kid themselves about the fall out. It would be a known premeditated cruelty. I read this as possibly she just needs more room for her career to be separate, but she absolutely needs to go on about this a different way. I simply am trying to add balance as people are convinced the issue is infidelity. I think there are issues, I definitely think they should both do some IC and come back together with better communication and understanding of each other.

I do not think it’s atrocious she wanted to do the trip on her own. But I do fault her methods. I also do not fault bpguy for being triggered by this situation with their limited communication. And I am surprised he isn’t mad about her lying by omission about having a male friend. There are many of us that an opposite sex friend would be off the table as a choice. But we are on a site where those relationships have already been marred by infidelity. In all reality many happily married couples have friendships with both genders.

It’s complex is all, and most marital issues take both people to work on themselves to resolve them. I think the only thing that is not a contribution of both people is infidelity.

As I have mentioned many times in my marriage we have a no lying policy. This situation would have caused me to have divorce papers served probably. But given there has been no cheating in their marriage, this is likely something that can and should be worked through and not brushed under the rug.

But I would not call this pathology. I do think that in this instance most people would be concerned and have feelings about this and I feel like I have said that many times through the course of this thread.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:42 PM, Monday, March 9th]