SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I lost my spouse, last year. She died in a car accident. I had and still am having a difficult time with her death.I was referred to Psychiatrist for treatment and medication. I was very depressed,had significant survivors guilt. Endless questions and what if’s. After about three months of treatment , I was able to pull it together and was able to initiate daily activities chores and housekeeping. It was at that time that I found a journal of hers. It was tucked deeply behind a bookshelf. I was just trying to do some dusting .I opened it and there in her hand writing was about 50 pages all hand written. Dating from 25 to 15 years ago. (We had been married 35 years at the time of her death). The most recent entry was a recap of a conversation between her and a longtime girlfriend ( also now deceased) She goes on to confess to her friend,that she had ,had an affair. And that I must never know about it. The other pages go onto her meeting with and her connection and exchanges with her AP. It was like a complete blindsiding of me. I could not believe this was happening. I have still not come to grips with her death and am now facing the reality that our marriage had already died well over 25 years previously. Hell if it was so important that I never know of the affair, why did she keep it? Was it to punish me? Did she just not care. I am so confused and baffled. Maybe this did happen over 20 years ago , but to me It just occurred. I have no idea on how to process this or deal with it. Anyone I could question is dead. I don’t even know if I want to be buried with her. The only good thing is that it has made getting rid of her belongings and memories a hell of a lot easier.
I,m writing this in hopes that maybe someone has any insight or recommendations as to the emotional processing and coming to terms that I feel like my life was a big lie and mistake. Thank you

Sorry,

Your situation seems similar to me to long dead affairs a spouse finds out about decades after it ended, but the cheater is still married to their betrayed spouse.

This also poisons all their memories and makes the betrayed spouse feel like their marriage was fake.

I can say I didn't realize my WW had an affair until 20 or so years later. And I felt powerless like I was the victim of a scam and that my WW never really wanted me for. all that time

Can you contact the other man to get his story or his wife or so from that time

There have been several stories on here of a similar nature, and hopefully some will post their experience. You have suffered a double trauma with the loss of your WW and then finding out about her infidelity. Take care of you. See an IC to help with the trauma. It is especially painful when you will never get answers to your questions or any closure. Time will help. Sending strength and support.

MM,

Do you have children get DNA done

Perhaps she deeply regretted the affair and realized it was a mistake.

Is there anything in the journal where she writes about having remorse or regret?

She may have kept it from you b/c she didn’t want you to D her because she chose to cheat. She may have realized she really did love you and just didn’t want to come clean.

How do You feel about how she treated you through all those years?

Do you feel the secret she held degraded your relationship and perhaps the relationship was functional but not romantic?