SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know what I know and I just scheduled 10 divorce consultations.

Good for you, Pearly! I hope they give you some positive news regarding your potential divorce settlement. Remember to go in with any questions you have as well as the basics of your financial assets, debts, and living expenses.

63 pills in 2 months is A LOT. What an awful feeling it must be to watch that number ticking up. I'm so sorry.

I think you're doing the right things. Our own brains can be tough on us sometimes, and that can be the hardest part of it all. I'm glad you're working with a therapist who seems to be giving you good advice. When you start going down the path of too much rumination, try to distract yourself. It's best not to allow those thought patterns to take hold for too long.

Now imagine you could afford a PI who took a whole team along on a surveillance mission.
They report back to you with glossy pictures, video recordings, copies of invoices and receipts, time-stamped surveillance reports, witness statements, the sworn affidavit of the other woman... basically a 100% water-tight case that you could show him and he couldn’t deny cheating.

What would that do?

Think he’s going to say "OH! I thought those blue pills were vitamin C, and I didn’t realize that placing my ... in her ... was something considered infidelity in a marriage! Now that it’s all been explained to me then YES! I was cheating. I promise to stop".

Honestly – in what way would having him admit to what you know he’s doing make your situation any better?

In my first post on your situation I suggested you simply stop trying to convince HIM that he’s having an affair, and turn the onus on him to convince you he isn’t.

Let him know that you know about the ED pills, about the walk with her and all that. But then stop monitoring him. Tell him that you know what you know and no longer really care. It’s time for you to focus on how YOU are getting out of infidelity.

Bigger

You are right! Having him admit anything won’t make the situation any better because even if there is some crazy explanation for the pills, and that he hasn’t slept with anyone like he says, the one thing that hasn’t changed is the behavior. He is still lying, sneaking, hiding, and deceiving. And after a lot of self reflection, and a therapy session, I am realizing this is all that matters. Even if he can prove to me he’s not cheating, he hasn’t done any of the work on himself, and he’s still disrespecting me.

I became so wrapped up in catching him having sex so there would be no more questions in my mind that I lost sight of all that. I took a step back and I said do you think any of my friends husband’s are having conversations with female coworkers at 10 at night with sexual undertones? No, and you’re doing it after having an affair with a female coworker and traumatizing me. That’s the piece that matters the most.

I forgot who I was for a minute. My mind is clear now. It’s time to divorce.

Good to hear Pearly. I’m always concerned when offering tough advice that I might drive the OP away…

Change one more thing:
Don’t insist you are headed for divorce. Instead, look at your destination as Getting Out Of Infidelity.
There are generally two paths/routes to get to that place. One is along a road called Reconciliation, the other along a road called Divorce. Right now, R is closed for you, so to reach your destination you head on down D.

There is also the very slight, teeny-weeny, chance that he manages to pull his head out of his… well… you-know-what… and convinces you to reroute to the R-road.

Your goal is to reach Get Out of Infidelity.
As-is, it’s by going along the path of D.

Pearly,
There’s a strange sense of peace when you decide to D - even if it is the last thing you wanted. That’s your nervous system seeing a little glimmer of light, the chance of not having to be "on" 24x7.

When you are ready, read in the S/D forum, especially the pinned post.

Best of luck in this new chapter- the roller coaster is not over yet, but the ride is winding down.

I’d be tempted to replace the Viagra pills with something that looks the same (size, color) (has to be harmless, of course), so the next time he needs help, he doesn’t get it.

Hee, hee.