SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I caught a few videos by a couples counselor on YouTube who specializes in infidelity and he made a short one about 3 questions your WS should be able to answer, or at least be working on answering if reconciliation is possible.

1. What broke in you?

What is broken inside of you that made you feel like having an affair was a good idea? Not talking about what was going on in your marriage, or the state of the relationship. Those are just excuses. What is going on inside of you that allowed you to drop your boundaries and go against your own moral code? Some answers could be "I have always avoided difficult conversations, so instead of telling you that I was unhappy in our relationship, I escaped into someone else's," or "I've never dealt with my need for external validation, so when someone else showed me attention I couldn't resist," or "I grew up in a house where lying was how we survived so I never really learned how to be honest."

2. What are you doing to fix it?

How can I know this won't happen again? What steps are you taking to fix whatever is broken inside of you to ensure you're addressing your issues? Are you examining your boundaries? Are you in counseling? Are you actively fixing what you broke and making sure it will never happen again? Some answers could be "I'm in IC working on my conflict avoidance," or "I'm reading about attachment patterns," or "I'm learning how to communicate discomfort instead of escaping it," or "I'm being completely transparent with you. You have access to everything."

3. What do I need that you're not giving me?

A truly remorseful spouse is watching you and studying you. They're paying attention to your triggers and figuring out what upsets you. They're trying to get inside you and figure out what it is you need to feel safe again. Are they blaming you for their choices? Are they reducing triggers? Some answers could be "you need more reassurance from me," or "you need me to stop being defensive when you ask questions," or "you need me to take ownership without bringing up problems in our relationship."

If your WS can't or won't answer these questions thoughtfully without blaming you or the relationship then you don't have much to work with. They should be learning your landscape of pain so that they know what's causing it, and be taking proactive steps to fix what they've broken instead of avoiding it.

If they can't answer these questions, or at least be working on how to answer them then you may be in for a really rough ride.

This is all according to Wes White, and he really does touch on alot of what we discuss here. His YT channel is "Wes White Counseling" and he has several videos on infidelity ranging from 5 to 15 minutes in length.

From the POV of cheaters:

1. What’s broken in you?

"I’m not broken. I’m perfect. You’re the one who fucked up, which is why I had to cheat."

ALT version:

"It’s all the fault of my grandmother’s sister’s uncle’s cousin’s room mate and I had no choice but to be this way. If you don’t understand that then you don’t love me!"

2. What are you going to do to fix it?

"Oh shut up and stop bothering me. It’s been 20 minutes. You should be over it by now."

ALT version:

"I’ll do ANYTHING you ask me to do…. Except for this. And that. And the other thing. Buying a book and never actually reading it still counts, right?"

3. What do I need that you’re not giving me?

"Wait, you have needs?"

ALT version:

"I give you everything and then some! If that’s not good enough then…. <sob sob sob>. <Pauses to see if you’re still looking, then sob sob sob>."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:15 PM, Monday, April 13th]

Bluer, I think those are some excellent, and sometimes very accurate, examples of when you know you have nothing to work with at all.

I wish I could "lol" at your seemingly absurd examples, but I know you're not really exaggerating because that's really how some waywards will respond to those.

One thing I think is near-impossible is for the WS to do all that’s required right away…

Like I truly believe that to reach a stage where you acknowledge that the affair is totally 100% your fault and only due to decisions and actions that YOU took and made is something that takes immense moral maturity. Something most of us are barely capable of except with real serious contempltation and work.

Shared this so often here… but early on as a cop the old-timer who was showing me the ropes said "notice how no matter what we get them for, there will always be a reason or justification". So when I stopped someone for speeding they would only be following the flow of traffic, or have a doctors appointment, the guy who battered his wife would try to explain how he had no other option, based on her actions, the burglar would explain how since everyone should be insured he was doing the victim a favor in stealing his TV, the drunk driver would insist it was lack of sleep rather than those shots of Jack that made him slam into the wall…
I think the most outrageous one was the guy who drove into the corner of the food-truck. He was furious and insisted the truck had been moved from yesterday, because he had been having lunch there daily for weeks, always driven the same way and never before hit the corner. Definitely not his driving at fault…

I think that a WS fresh out of an affair is prone to explain or justify. I cheated because you were too busy or whatever. They then maybe go to I should have talked to you about our issues rather than had the affair. Eventually – and I think this is maybe a year later or so – it becomes "I decided to have an affair. Nobody made me do it. It was totally 100% my decision. I justified it with all sorts of personal and marital issues and reasoning. I could have stopped and/or prevented it but I didn’t. I have no excuse. I am working on becoming a better person so I do not do anything like this again. I am truly sorry for the pain I acknowledge I caused."

Bigger,

Yes, I should have included that. Almost no wayward will have thoughtful answers in the beginning. That type of introspection and self exploration typically takes time.

If they're not truly working on it and/or are still giving those superficial answers 6 months or a year down the road that's when you might have someone who isn't a safe candidate for reconciliation.