SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a long while since I've posted but I find myself struggling after several years of something more of an arrangement than R, but it worked. I wasn't worried about her having another A, and we were cordial most of the time. Fast forward, we never went back to MC because fww didn't think it did us any good. Unfortunately I would agree but probably not for the same reasons. Here I am in my 60s reflecting on my life and finding that I'm starting to struggle with everything as if I am going backwards in time closer to d-day. I'm physically sick to my stomach, the mind movies will not stop, my blood pressure is increasing.

I don't believe I can pinpoint a trigger out of the ordinary. I will say that as I am in my golden years reflecting on my life, I have been very blessed, except for this. It's as if I cannot let it go. Any advice for when the world starts spinning in the opposite direction?

Unless you have dementia, memory never go away. The things that happened to you when you were three are still in your memory bank. So your brain is still processing all the stuff that went on, but it’s all under the surface. Something is triggering you and I’m guessing it might be hormones it might be boredom. It might be a change in your relationship. It could be anything. I hope you’ve had a thorough physical exam. You might get your hormones checked to see if you are high or low. Don’t assume that it’s all mental. It might literally be physical. However, you probably never got a resolution that you needed and you have shoved it down over and over again and it won’t stay down. There is in human beings the desire for revenge. That’s the reason we love dogs because they forgive us unconditionally. Human beings do not. We might say we’ve forgiven, we might say we’ve tried to forget, but our good old memory bank is still full. If you are OK physically and your relationship looks the same then you might want to try therapy. And lastly, if you don’t have a hobby that takes up some of your physical energy, you need to find one. I’ve done a lot of studying these last few years and the one thing that just keeps hitting me in the face is the amount of energy a male body generates and often has nowhere to go with it.

I think we also have triggers that are subtle. Maybe she’s wearing a perfume she wore back then, or is acting in a way that is reminiscent of how she acted been then. Like how the smell of a cookie baking can bring you back to your school days… the mind is powerful.

One thing to try is to stop and acknowledge it. Name it, call it out. And then ask if it is happening now or in your past. Your fear center is activated, so you need to remind it that all is well. Tell yourself that that was then, and not now. And all is well now. Try "changing the channel" since there is nothing to fear now.

Have you told your spouse? Are they supporting you? This is like a long lost splinter that has worked its way to the surface and since she put it there, she should support you as it works its way out.

Lastly, things like EMDR can help you process out any residual issues that have been lying dormant if there really is nothing to fear.

Hope you find relief.

I'm fours years out from my ex-wife's affair. I never had the choice to reconcile or not reconcile, as she divorced me soon after I found out. I have thought about it every single day, and I figure I always will. I've been in counseling since it happened. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me, and it just keeps on hurting.

I feel your pain. Unfortunately, I don't have a solution.