SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 16 months post DD and whilst I can definitely say I am healing in myself, I still feel so many conflicting feelings about my husband. I have done so much self healing - I do EMDR, attend a Buddhist sanga, go yoga, meditate, go out in nature, throw myself into my work and the pain in my heart in slowly, slowly healing. However, I can be having a lovely family day and then, boom!, my brain reminds me 'this man cuddling you in the sofa cheated on you whilst pregnant and continued for two years then hid it for a further 12!' and my mind fills with a mix of indignation, anger and disgust'.

This happens even more if I've had a bad day, or I'm stressed. Like yesterday I went to visit a friend in a mental health facility and found it so upsetting. Later that evening, I found myself pulling away from my husband's comfort and bracing myself when he cuddled me in bed.

My brain screams for me to leave in these moments as I find myself filed with disdain at being married to a person capable of this BUT at the same time...I love him, I know he is remorseful and has changed and I have so much compassion and empathy for the man I love who screwed his and his families lives up and has to live with that knowledge forever. I wish I could undo that for him even if we weren't together...I hate that he has to live with that level of regret.

I just don't know if these feelings will ever change. It's like I can get over the pain but not the moral dilemma. I don't think it helps that I have childhood trauma and may be neurodivergent. I just feel like whether I stay or leave my marriage, this moral dilemma will haunt me.

Any advice welcome, particularly from those who have experienced this.

[This message edited by Evio at 10:13 AM, Sunday, April 19th]

I understand how you feel and it happened to me for a few years after Dday.

What worked for me was reminding myself that he’s not the same cheating lying jerk he was — he’s different now. I can see it. I recognize the effort being made.

It also helped that I financially protected myself. That took much of the stress out of the situation as well.

Thank you for you reply 1stwife...Did you tell him how you felt when you felt conflicted? My problem is, unlike my husband, I have always been an open book and I process my thoughts out loud. This means everytime the doubt and disgust kicks in I tell him my thoughts and he understandably is feeling defeated by this.
The recent example of feeling emotionally fragile following my friends mental health crisis and then dwelling in the affair has led him to feel he unfairly takes the brunt of anyone else's problems as it will always come back to him.

I really struggle with being too honest to the point I cannot even lie if I'm late for work. Should I be keeping some of these though to myself and processing them by reminding myself his not that man anymore?

As for financial independence...all out money is tied up in a big house but we would have enough to split if we sold it and neither of us be desdetute.