SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,
my whole life ended 4 days ago. I feel so terrible.

I'll try to make it short: I'm 37, from Germany and my husband (38) is from the US. He is a touring musician, we had a long distance relationship and we married in 2020. In 2023 I left my whole life (my parents, job, friends, left my family dog who was too old to come here) and moved to my husband in California. We renovated a house and made a home. I started a small business, we got 3 dogs.
We talked about having a kid maybe. I really thought my life is perfect...until 4 days ago.

I found an email. It was from November 2022, it was actually the day my husband just left me (he visited me in Germany) and drove a rental car to Cologne to start his bands tour in Germany. That day he texted an escort service and asked for the most disgusting things I could imagine. It was in escort slang (short forms for sexual acts) and he was searching for a blonde with huge fake b****. And she had the same name like me!

He was with me when I read it. He admitted it. I had a mental breakdown, after a few hours he admitted more. He had sex with an escort in November 2023 in Canada too. I was already living with him.

In May 2022 (he was on tour) I saw that he followed an escort girl on instagram and asked him what that is? He had a bad excuse and never admitted anything and deleted her again. That was always in my head and sometimes I brought it up again because it never made sense. He never admitted it until now: he wanted to meet her but I caught him and he didn't.

I'm devastated. I left my old life to come here for a cheater.
I have no idea what to do now. Going back to Germany would mean my small business is over, I will not see my dogs again and I have nothing over there. I'd really would to start from zero and be depressed for years. I don't want to tell my friends and family because I'm so embarrassed.

My husband is remorseful, is crying, doesn't want me to leave, says he will do therapy and never do it again. Says he ruined me and my life and feels bad for it. He says I don't deserve him and he would understand if I would leave him. He already emailed a therapist.

We talked 40 hours in the past 4 days. Literally all day.
I really love the version of him that I thought he was but this person is dead now. I honestly think I would never find anyone anymore, because this version was the love of my life.

I can't understand how he could do this to me. The day he left me in Germany, I was so happy I saw him, we just got our interview appointment for my visa Interview that day... and he drives to cologne and had sex with an escort. My heart hurts.

And the worst part of it all: he did all this right before I moved to him. He lied to me the whole time, he knew I gave up my whole life for him. In the past 3 years I was living here my grandma and my family dog died. I missed their last years of life.. just to get cheated on. For this illusion.

Can you give me advice, experiences, anything...
Deep in my heart I don't want to leave him because maybe he can change. But also this email.. he's really one of those weak creepy men that pays escorts for sex although he's married? That's actually exactly the kind of man I don't want. I thought he's special and different.

Please help me, I have noone to talk to, have no friends here and nowhere to go.

Can relate because your story matches mine a lot.

You will be heard here and we understand what is you feel.

I will reply you better later because of time constraints but I wanted to tell you this.

You are not alone.
It was not your fault.
Is not ok, but you can heal.

You will find a lot of support here sister.
Let your emotions out. You have been heard

There is nothing worse than finding out the one person who is supposed to be there for you no matter what, the one person you can turn to when you are hurting, has hurt you in a way that no one else could. It is devastating.

My advice is to find a therapist that specializes in trauma because infidelity is the worst kind of trauma in my opinion. I would not start talking with a marital therapist. They tend to focus on putting an affair behind you. After several months once you feel like your head is clear and you can make decisions that are in your best interest then start talking with a marital therapist if you still want the relationship

It takes years to get over the infidelity and years to rebuild Trust. It only takes seconds to destroy and it takes several years to maybe rebuild

If you need space to think then ask him to move out. If he truly wants to save the relationship he has to be willing to do anything

You have found a great place for support and advice