Lately I've been struggling with self confidence, and feeling bad about how hard core I did the pick me dance in the beginning. I know I wasn't in my right mind, and its completely normal, but I'm still having a hard time with it.
Maybe I am just processing everything. I don't know.
The other day I was thinking through the affair and her lying to me, and why she did it. Obviously if she had come to me and said "I've been flirting with this guy I know and Im considering having sex with him" I would have had agency and I could have objected. If it had gone down like that, and she still went for it, I would have left the relationship in response to her leaving it by having sex woth another against my objections.
Im pretty confident in how things would have gone down in that situation.
Why then am I with her now?
Just because she took the "don't ask for permission ask for forgiveness" path instead of being open about it?
Why does that make it right to try and reconcile but the first option would not?
Because its in the past and she is not currently "acting out"?
It seems like I allowed boundary crossing, or bending, simply because she told me about doing the wrong thing. For example: she continued viewing her AP's social media 6 months after D-day, and I only found out about it because she told me. So when I got upset she was like "I didn't have to tell you" implying that if I didn't react in a muted way she wouldn't tell me next time. This has happened many times in the last two years. It's not happening any longer, but it still bothers me.
Im having a hard time Reconciling these feelings.
What am I missing, and how can regain self esteem after taking her back when I clearly told her our relationship would be over if she cheated on me? How could I have held harder lines when she bent boundaries with things that aren't "lets destroy the relationship" worthy?
[This message edited by Theevent at 4:43 AM, Monday, May 25th]
