SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In March, I accidentally stumbled upon my wife's 1 year+ long affair while reviewing our phone plan online. To say I was blindsided by this would be an understatement...

As I stared at the computer screen in disbelief, I decided to text her to ask about the number, thinking there had to be a logical explanation. This is a decision that I have since regretted because I truly didn't understand how serious the situation was. My heart sank when she read the message and didn't reply. And when she did reply over 10 minutes later, she said "An old friend from school. Why?" In that moment, I knew and I still couldn't believe it. What did she do in that 10 minute gap? She called her affair partner to tip him off and collaborate a lie together.

Long story short, my wife had been having a romantic affair with a man she knew back in high school. It seems that they have maintainened contact with eachother throughout the years, which I had no knowledge of. My wife and I are both in our early 30s. We have been together for almost 13 years, and been married for 7. We have three young children, and I honestly thought we had a picture perfect relationship. Our sex life was always good, we have a nice home, plenty of toys for family entertainment and we genuinely share many of the same hobbies and goals. Vacations and sporting events were a normal part of our life together as a couple. I have always loved, respected, and adored her. I really thought she felt the same way...

Her explanation of the relationship when confronted was a similar script that many of us have heard. He's just a friend I vented to, just someone to talk to, it was 100% friendly, not romantic or sexual. Well, after about a month of investigating and confronting her with more evidence, the truth, or atleast what she's claiming to be the truth finally came out. My wife finally admitted that it was fully emotional and romantic. She admitted to pursuing him, confessing feelings for him, sending various nude pictures, and even expressing disinterest in our marriage. She talked negatively about me and expressed not being happy, she even expressed wanting a divorce. She told this man she loved him, she missed him, and admitted to having hypothetical conversations with him. These conversations involved what kind of life they would have together, if they would have kids together, what kind of house they would live in together, and even where in the country they'd live together. They shared many intimate and immature conversations together.

The evidence I've seen is pretty ugly. She talked to this man on the phone more than I even thought was possible. They would regularly talk for hours every week, even into the early morning hours when I was away on business trips. I even saw evidence where she was communicating with this man on car rides when our children were in the car. She called him on her commute home from work, she called him on her lunch break, trips to the store, and even found time throughout multiple family vacations to call him. When she was offered her job, who's the first person she called to break the good news? Him, not me. All of that and so much more. Its truly painful to realize that my wife, my best friend for pretty much all of my adult life, had essentially replaced me.

The most shocking part is the affair partner himself. This man is literally one of the grossest men I've ever seen. He is so below what I thought my wife would ever be interested in. He is severely overweight, doesn't have a great career, and even has some serious criminal charges that are going to land him as a registered sex offender once sentenced. I'm really having a hard time comprehending why someone would risk so much, for so little.

Almost 3 months later, I'm really struggling with everything. As of now, we are trying to reconcile everything. My wife claims that none of it meant anything and she didn't lose feelings for me or never truly had feelings for him. She says the relationship was about her need for validation and attention more than anything.I really have a hard time believing that someone would engage in an affair for over a year to this extent without it "meaning something". She has started individual therapy, and so have I. She seemed remoseful about the whole thing at first, but as time has went on that slowly changed. She has become frustrated with my questioning and gets very defensive. Although she says she wants me and wants to change, it also seems like she wants me to forget it and move on like nothing ever happened. This scares me because I get the impression she cares more about her own feelings than mine. Was I the perfect husband? No, not at all. As the primary provider, and sole provider for atleast 6 months of this affair, I have taken on a tremendous amount of financial stress to maintain the lifestyle we created. This stress certainly takes a piece of you. I found myself having to work 6+ days a week to provide the income we needed, but I thought I was doing the right thing for my family. I had no idea that it was going to be used against me...

She doesn't understand the pain in this level of betrayal. All the great memories we've shared are now pain because I know what was going on behind the scenes. I truly never thought this would happen in our relationship and I still can't believe it. I have never felt so humiliated, emasculated, and disrespected in my life. I still love and care for my wife and desperately want to make things work, but I don't know if I can ever get over what she did. I don't see how someone who supposedly truly cares about you could be so cold and do this to me and our family.

Does it ever get easier?

I'm sorry you've found yourself here man. This is a club no one wants to join, but it is a good place full of people who have been through this fire and understand what you're going through. It does sound like your wife has yet to "get it." This isn't something you just get over in a couple of months. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. It takes 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's when you have a remorseful spouse who is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. It sounds like your wife is falling somewhat short of that. PTSD symptoms are also common.

A good book for her (and you) to read would be "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. The audio version is a little over 2 hours and my wife and I listened to it together. It's short, but packed with good info and it digs pretty deep into the pain and damage affairs cause for a betrayed spouse. Another good book is "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. It delves a little deeper into how affairs get started, the different types, and talks about how emotional affairs can be just as damaging as physical affairs. Sometimes even moreso.

How close does your wife's AP (affair partner) live to you guys? Is he close? I'm asking to try and gauge potential opportunity for things to have gotten physical. I know you're already hurt enough as it is, but it's pretty common for a cheater to withhold and minimize what actually happened. Trickle truth is also very common. The releasing of new, devastating details spread out over months or even years is a phenomenon we see quite often here. I have no clue if that's the case with your wife, but just know it's pretty common.

Right now what you're feeling is completely normal. You're not crazy. You're going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a long time. Reconciliation can only work if both of you are 100% on board, and she's willing to do anything it takes to make it work. She needs to own what she did and take full accountability for her actions. She also needs to go completely no contact with her affair partner. No more messages. Period. She needs to send a no contact letter and block him on everything.

Hang in there and make2 sure you're taking care of yourself. You have along road ahead of you. More folks with more experience than I will be along with more advice. We're here for you. We get it.

Thank you for the advice and literature, Pogre.

To answer your question, he lives only 30 minutes away from us. So the possibility of it being physical, especially given their prior history and frequency of business trips I take, is very likely. My wife wholeheartedly denies it, likely due to the discovery of his criminal background.

Honestly? Besides from a personal health standpoint, I don't know how much it would change anything because what I've seen and what she admitted is already so ugly.

As you mentioned, emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical, sometimes even more. This one feels pretty damaging as is. I'm sure there are many details she hasn't shared, including physical encounters.

As far as I know, she has went full no contact with him. But I guess there is always a possibility thats a lie as well...

I really appreciate all of the advice and well wishes.

Icedale,

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Here are some thoughts from me:

1) take care of yourself physically. Make sure to eat and stay hydrated. Get as much exercise as you can, you’ll feel better and it will help you sleep. See a doctor if you need to for anti-anxiety, anti-depression or sleep medications.

2) get an STD test. Your WW is almost certainly lying about no physical contact. Make her get one too, and make her show you (not tell you) the results. Even if she swears there’s ’no point’.

3) see a lawyer. You aren’t doing this to initiate D, you’re doing this to understand what that process and potential outcomes look like. Start eliminating unknowns, it will help you calm down.

4) have her write the NC letter that Pogre referenced. Have her write it in front of you and either you send it or watch it be sent, so that she can’t change anything.

5) Here’s another resource you can share with your WW (without letting her know about this site, keep this your safe place): https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/. There’s a lot more great articles in the Healing Library.

6) You do need to know the truth about what she did with him where. For one thing, if you find out more later, it could reset your healing back to zero. Not just the lies, but what about if you found out they’d been in your bed, or your car, or whatever? For another, it removes the ‘specialness’ of the A. It stops being some hidden thing that she shared only with AP. Finally, as they say, you can’t forgive what you don’t know about.

7) Does AP have a wife? If so, you have to tell her.

Just know this: her cheating was about what is wrong with her, and not at all about what’s wrong with you. You did nothing to deserve this.

First and foremost, yes it does get easier with time but it does take a long time

Almost every WS says the affair meant nothing, the affair partner means nothing to me, and in my opinion it's complete BS (that's short for bullshit). If having an affair that could destroy our relationship and damage our children means nothing to you that means that our relationship and our children mean even less than nothing.

I too believed our relationship was great. We had been together for 27 years and married for 20. The the day I discovered what was going on I had sent my wife an email with a link to a piece of property in Tennessee that was for sale just that morning and her response was I love it. Hours later I discover her affair. Like you I was completely blindsided. How could she live a double life? How was I so blind?

She went Way Beyond simply needing validation from another man. She was discussing ending her marriage and having children with him. Right now she is trying to control how this proceeds, because that is what is easier for her, and using anger to manipulate you. Very typical

A WS who is 100% committed to R is willing to do ANYTHING to save the relationship. That includes having conversations that make him or her incredibly uncomfortable or sad or depressed. But they put themselves in that situation. Your wife getting angry at you when you bring up the affair is her way of getting you to stop talking about it because she sees the reality of the situation. She severely damaged, possibly destroyed, her marriage out of pure selfishness. People cheat because they are selfish

Were you a perfect husband? No, because there is no such thing. Did you bust your butt to provide for the family so she could be home with the kids at first? Yes, because that's what a father and husband does. If your wife was unhappy she had a duty to sit down and talk to you but like every WS they take the easy way out, they cheat, they find somebody else who makes them feel good about themselves. And if she was so unhappy she could have ended the relationship and started a relationship with him but she wanted her cake and she wanted to eat it too. You provided the Safety and Security she needed and he provided the validation she selfishly wanted

When I confronted my wife I called her out to the driveway so we could sit in my truck without the kids hearing our conversation. I asked what is going on with you and the cop at the school and she said nothing is going on, I have not crossed any lines! She immediately became defensive. I asked so you're not talking to him to which she replied yeah we talk. And she said it with attitude and she had her arms folded across her chest.

I said and what do you talk about and she said well obviously you know, and she said it with anger and vitriol in her voice. She was shooting daggers at me with her eyes. I said how can you sit there saying you have not crossed any lines and she had the balls to say we have not done anything physical and in her f'd up mind what she was doing was okay. She felt it was perfectly acceptable for a married woman to be sexting with a married man

I was a train wreck sitting there, having trouble forming complete sentences, and she just coldly sat there with her arms folded throwing attitude at me, she acted like my feelings meant nothing to her.

After an hour long conversation the only sort of apology I got from her was I'm sorry this upsets you, and she said it with zero empathy in her voice so I was convinced she had an exit plan with this guy and I just happened to stumble into it. I was convinced we were finished

The next morning she was still angry at me so while she was at work I put a suitcase in our bedroom and waited for her to come home. When she walked in I said I need time to think and I can't do that bumping into you and I will not spend the weekend staring at the ground. There's a suitcase upstairs, I cannot make you leave but I need you to leave, so please leave. She stared at me for a few seconds, walked upstairs, pack the bag, came downstairs and said something to the two older boys, walked into the kitchen and said I'm leaving and I said okay and she left

I was convinced she would go to a hotel and call her AP to let him know where he could find her but she went to her sister's house. That was Friday, Saturday I sent her a big scathing text message and then told her we will meet Sunday afternoon 3:00 p.m. to discuss the next step and I went to that meeting fully prepared to end the relationship if she was still acting like a you know what

Over those two days she realized how not so innocent her sexting was. She realized that she had possibly destroyed a 27-year relationship. When we met she looked like a zombie and she was full of apologies and tears.

But we still had trouble with subsequent conversations. She would at times get mad at me for being upset about something and it took months before I finally had my balls back and accepted the fact that we could be done. Once I did that and I started standing my ground she realized that she was not in control of how this progressed, that it was up to me whether or not we stayed married

I demanded MC right away which was a mistake and I demanded that she start IC which she did and she did it for 18 months. I do believe my wife is truly remorseful for what she did and she regrets all the pain and damage she caused but it has permanently changed our relationship

I will never again implicitly trust her. If something seems off she no longer gets the benefit of the doubt. I have become more jaded and cynical about relationships which is sad because I used to do lots of little surprise things for her to show love and affection and in hindsight it was very one-sided and it made me boring to her and that's why the macho flirtatious at the school with the gun and the badge and the bulletproof vest was able to work his way into our relationship.

And as usual I have rattled on too long. The best advice I can give you is you need to take control of the situation. You need to tell her what she needs to do, how she needs to do it, when she needs to do it, or else the relationship is done. Tell her it doesn't matter if you ask the same question 12 times she has no right to get upset. If you need to hear the same answer 12 times, so be it. She chose to have an affair, you were not part of that decision, so now she gets to live with the consequences or as always, she has the option of leaving.

Do the 180. Tell her what you need her to do and it's her choice whether or not to do it and if she doesn't then the relationship is over. If you sweep anything under the rug it's only going to Fester and years down the road it will come back and by that point there might be too much damage to repair the relationship

I would also suggest you tell her to write out a complete timeline of everything that has happened no matter how minute the detail. If she refuses then I don't see how the relationship can be repaired. If she does it ask her is this everything and if she says yes then tell her you want her to take a polygraph test

If her immediate responses okay then there's a good chance she was honest but if she says no or she pushes back or she gets angry that's a pretty clear indication that she did not write down everything and the relationship probably is not going to work out long term because you will be wondering what else happened that she didn't tell you

Someone mentioned getting an STD test and that is very good advice and be honest with your doctor as to why.

Something else that will greatly hinder or destroy any hopes of reconciliation is trickle truth. Tell her if you continue to find out new information while trying to R the relationship just will not work. WS's have a tendency to tell you as little as possible in hopes that it will be enough for you to move on and they are afraid that if they tell everything up front you will walk away but trickle truth resets R back to square one every time

This is a thing. Because teenage brains are still maturing they are susceptible to imprinting. Like ducklings do to people. It means she does not "see" the real him. She sees what she saw in school.

None of it makes any sense to the bs. All they see is a ws who has lost their mind.. Further your wife is acting like you are being a pest. She is living in limerence right now.

No advice…just some info to think about.

Well I do have some. Look after your health. Eat healthy. Stay away from alcohol. Talk to a dr about temp meds to help calm down your nervous system. See a lawyer for advice.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:45 PM, Monday, June 15th]

I'm sure there are many details she hasn't shared, including physical encounters.

As far as I know, she has went full no contact with him. But I guess there is always a possibility thats a lie as well...

Have her write out a timeline of her affair that also includes any other inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. When it’s done tell her it will be verified by polygraph and ask her if she needs to make any changes. Even if she adds more details follow through on the poly.

If she refuses you’ll know your need for the truth is secondary to her need to protect her affair and self image.

In situations like yours, and like others have already said, it is imperative that you get a complete timeline and polygraph to go along with it.

I've seen it suggested that you offer a sort of grace period of say 5 days or a week where she has the opportunity to tell you the entire story, the whole truth, and no matter how bad it is you'll be willing to at least give reconciliation a shot, but any omitted details or lies discovered later down the road will almost certainly lead to a divorce.

This way you're not completely committing one way or the other, but you are offering at least a chance of reconciliation if she gives you the whole truth right off the bat, while any trickle truthing will almost certainly lead to the consequence of divorce.

I think a couple can reconcile from almost anything, but it has to be based on a foundation of truth, transparency, honesty, and respect. It also takes a truly remorseful wayward spouse who's willing to do anything it takes to make it work. That means answering all of your questions with humility and honesty, even if they're the same questions over and over. That's how you process through the trauma. For some people it's just a dealbreaker. You're going to have to figure out where on that spectrum you fall. The first year after discovery is usually spent in a state of shock and disbelief. When that wears off then acceptance and sometimes a great deal of anger follows. There isn't a quick or easy way to deal with this. Your wife had better buckle up and be prepared to weather a storm if she wants to reconcile. Like I sad, you're going to beon an emotional roller coaster for quite a while.

I'm a little over a year out from d day and I'm just now starting to feel some solid ground under my feet again. We were married for almost 27 years when my wife stepped outside the relationship. To say I was blindsided would be an understatement. I would have bet my life she would never have cheated on me. I'd have bet my life on it. I'd be dead right now if I'd made that bet.

You've got to find out the truth man. And she needs to know that this could be a dealbreaker. Whatever you do, don't play the "pick me" game, and do not let her rugsweep this. It'll just come up later, even years later, and with a vengeance.

Wow. So much great information included in the last few posts. I'm going to do my best to acknowledge everything.

Letmebefrank:

Thank you so much for listing out everything. I'm doing my best to take care of myself, but it is very challenging. I've been exercising and dieting, just to keep me feeling physically as good as I can. As far as the STD test goes, I pre-purchased a lab test for tomorrow. So, I appreciate the advice from everyone. I also plan to do a consultation or two with a good local attorney, so I have a good idea of what I'm dealing with here. I will also look into a formal NC letter as Pogre mentioned. I'm not familiar with this, so I'll have to do my research. I agree that the truth is important. Everytime I ask for more details or reassurance on things that don't make sense, I'm met with defensiveness and irritation that I'm asking again. Its been a struggle. As far as AP goes, he does not have a wife of significant other, or else I would have already told them. Thanks again for all the great advice and resources.

WB1340: I agree with pretty much everything you said. Its sad how I've put myself in a position where she is in control, when she is the one who did this. She has a special way of making me feel like I need to apologize, when I'm the victim to all of this mess. I have to keep reminding myself that she is not in control of the outcome here, it is my decision and I can't keep getting guilted into keeping my mouth shut, especially when I need answers to move forward. I have a written timeline already, but I'd be curious how much it has changed since she first told me "everything". All great advice. Also, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's really hard to imagine people are so selfish and stubborn.

Cooley2here: It has to be because this relationship and just the details of it are so immature, it's almost impossible for me to comprehend.

asc1226: I hadn't thought about the polygraph angle. Then again, I know if I brought something like that up she will SHUT DOWN.

I really appreciate all the great advice and resources!

And that 2 to 5 year average for recovery? That applies to the last time you found out something new. Any new info basically resets the clock on your recovery. It's like a new d day (discovery day) and starts the healing process all over again. That's why it's so important to get the whole truth out there as early as possible. You don't want to spend a year recovering from what you think is an emotional affair only to discover things did get physical. That would just send you on another new tailspin, reopen the wound, and start the process all over again.

WS's have a way of withholding and minimizing. Sometimes to avoid shame, and sometimes to avoid causing you more grief. That's a huge mistake tho. It only causes more damage.

OhitsYou: I'll add this to my to-do list. What an ugly situation that I never thought I'd face.

Pogre: Another great post with sound logic. I agree, if I'm able to move forward it has to come from a place of truth. Sadly, I know I'm not getting that. There are so many parts of the "truth" that make no sense. He got her gifts for her birthday, but she didn't get him anything? She sent several nudes to him, but he never did back? And through all these nudes, they never really discussed having sex together. Its all a lie, and I know it.

I felt the same way about my wife as you described, and I would have died as well. I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation. We didn't make the decision, but we have to live with the consequences. Very unfair.

As far as AP goes, he does not have a wife of significant other, or else I would have already told them.

Do you know this with absolute certainty, or does this info coming from your wife who is obviously very skilled at lying to you?

I hadn't thought about the polygraph angle. Then again, I know if I brought something like that up she will SHUT DOWN.

Um, TOO FREAKING BAD you say to your spouse. You must find your resolve and STAND YOUR GROUND on this, ESPECIALLY if you have already fully decided to reconcile (whatever you do, DO NOT tell your wife this, at least not anytime soon). You tell her YOUR conditions where you MAY CONSIDER not terminating the marriage after her hard core betrayal. One of them will be she writes out a COMPREHENSIVE timeline listing all interactions, conversations, topics, feelings, all of it. She has 3 days to complete this. And then she will hand you a WRITTEN copy. She will then read her timeline to you - watch her demeanor. Then you tell her she will sit for a polygraph and will be asked if this timeline is in fact comprehensive. She will be asked whether any physical betrayals occurred with ANYONE since the day you two met. Ask her now if she has anything to add. Again, tell her if she confesses it now, you promise to CONSIDER, in your own time frame whether any kind of reconciliation is even possible to try. Conversely, if she fails the poly, or anything else of significance comes to light later, that YOU ARE DONE and it’s straight to divorce court, and that in the proceedings, all of this will become public (whether you choose to do that is another matter).

Your one and only chance at saving this marriage, assuming that’s what you truly want, is to go FIRM. Stop taking any BS from her. Read again what Pogre did. He tried the "pick me dance". Not only does that NEVER work, it actually causes the betrayer to lose even MORE respect. STOP THAT NOW. It’s not coincidence that when Pogre started calling divorce attorneys in front of his wife, AND HE MEANT IT - this was no bluff - that his wife suddenly realized the gravity of the situation and everything turned around. To be clear: there’s ZERO guarantee your wife will snap out of it if you do this. The thing is - if she doesn’t, she’s already gone and you have nothing to work with. An unrepentant cheater is a living hell. I hope you choose better for your life.

Keep posting!

Here’s the sample NC letter that was recently suggested to another poster:

OM – I am focusing 100% to my marriage and my husband. I will not initiate or respond to any contact with you and ask that you respect this. Any attempted contact will be shared with my husband and can lead to legal action.

And if she’s defensive etc about being honest, here’s a letter than can help you frame it to her in a non-confrontational way: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/

gr8ful:

Powerful message. It's very helpful. I agree with your advice. I need to take back control of this and make her feel the weight of what she did. Until I read what I wrote and saw all of the passionate responses, I really didn't realize how weak I was coming off. So, thank you. I definitely needed the wake up call.

As far as her AP goes, I researched as much as I could on him and I didn't see any signs of a significant other. To be honest, I'm amazed any woman or man would be interested in him at all. Which is sad, because clearly my wife was. Believe me, I would have loved to tell his spouse if he had one. I have no patience or tolerance for this behavior, from either role.