SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I’ve been married 3 years with my husband for coming up 9 years.
I had a feeling he was being unfaithful as was receiving messages on social media giving me hints. I then recorded him and tracked his movements and found out everything. It had been going on a year- work colleague. Initially they were friends and he could lean on her emotionally, then began sleeping with her on occasions. She fell pregnant and had a termination.

If I never received the messages to my social media I wouldn’t have had a clue- my husband has been good to me and his behaviour never changed he remained consistent with me and in the home. And I know he loves me.

I’m angry as I approached him many times asking him if he is seeing someone and he gaslighted me and made me think it was someone being spiteful. He claimed all was untrue.

Since he has admitted things and I’ve also spoken to the other woman. He has taken full accountability and will seek therapy for him to help him understand why he made these choices. I do admit I was not there emotionally for my husband and I didn’t care or nurture him for some time, but this was because I had a gut instinct that he was doing something I just couldn’t prove it. I can’t be fake and although we slept together I didn’t pay him much mind at all. However this is no excuse for his behaviour.

He wants his family back and says he has blocked the other woman and will have no further contact, he says he will do whatever it takes for me to trust him again and he will not quit trying. We have also started couples therapy.

I’m conflicted- I love my husband dearly but I feel he has told so many lies , I’m unsure I’ll ever trust him again. He has always been good to me but this hurts more that he was able to live 2 different lives.

I need advice support from others who got through this. I don’t know what to do.

Jojo121:

Very, very sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive great support. Please read in the healing library, and the pinned posts. Lots of good information here. Always value yourself! Your WH risked your health and your M with his infidelity. He had unprotected sexual contact with his AP resulting in her pregnancy. This is a brutal betrayal. Get tested for STDs, and your WH needs to be tested as well. You have suffered a betrayal trauma. If available, do seek IC with a therapist trained in betrayal trauma.

Do not let him blame you for his cheating. Do not suffer guilt that you somehow caused him to cheat. He cheated because of his own brokenness and because he wanted to do it. You deserve complete transparency and honesty, and have all of your questions answered. Do not be gaslighted. You now know that your WH is capable of dishonesty and cheating. Watch his actions and not his words. Is he remorseful or defensive. Honest or hiding things. You have not been married that long. Can you investigate whether you can make a post nuptial agreement where you live? Where he agrees to your needs in writing should you decide to D.

Most importantly take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise. Get out with friends. I would be careful with couples counseling. The counselor’s goal is to save the M. But your M didn’t fail, your WH failed you. If the counselor begins to accord blame to the M for his cheating, fire the counselor and find one trained in infidelity. Best of luck.

Thanks for responding. Yes I’ve taken STD test and luckily all is clear. But I’m very angry about him not protecting himself.

He has taken full responsibility and admits he made terrible decisions.

He has told me the same to watch his actions rather than his words as he is able to recognise that he has done nothing but lie and that I will not believe what he tells me.

He appears very remorseful, but I don’t know him anymore he is not the person that I married so unsure if it’s genuine.

We are currently separated and not living together. He wants to come home and begin the repair work but I’m unsure how I feel about that.

I have warned him that even though I may feel to move forward now in 3-6 months I may wake up and think forget this and move on. I just so confused. But it’s very early- this all happened just 2 weeks ago so still very very raw.

Is he still working with her?

Is she married as well?

DO NOT ALLOW HIM OR YOURSELF TO PUT THE BLAME ON YOU.

No marriage is perfect, no spouse is perfect. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. You can both take blame for any issues in the marriage, but there are so many ways to work through those. Cheating is not one of them. So do not accept the blame at all.

Long term affairs (LTA) are hard- that means thousand and thousands of lies, misdirection, obfuscation, lies of omission, and just plain old disrespect. Common wisdom is it takes 2-5 years to recover from an A - I personally think LTA take longer just because there is more to work through. So you both need to be committed to repairing this for the long haul to successfully R. But you are 100% correct that you can wake up at any time now or in the future and decide it was a deal-breaker. So if you go for R, never feel trapped. Many who have successfully R’d around said it took 2-3 years before they felt secure in that decision.

Please read through this forum and look for all the posts with bulls-eyes. They may be back a few pages. Those are especially helpful posts for those who just found out. ANd read others posts- the advice given there applies to you too.

And focus on you. eat well, drink water, avoid drugs/alcohol, exercise daily, and get sleep. Get IC to help you work through this. Talk to someone IRL if you can - it helps.

Keep posting. Do you have kids? An income?