SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BackfromtheStorm recently started a thread wondering what character traits, if any, most or all betrayed spouses had in common.

I've wondered about this notion for most of my time on SI and I've yet to identify any one trait that we all share.

A few moments ago, I was encouraging a new member to trust his instincts when I had a "light bulb" moment.

(Yes, even I have them from once in while)

Our instincts are powerful. It seems to me that our subconscious minds might very well be far more cognizant than we give them credit.

How many times have members berated themselves for missing red flags, feeling "stupid" for not trusting their instincts?

It seems ubiquitous.

Now, granted, this may very well be just another aspect of the human condition, perfectly applicable to all sorts of situations in life, not just in regards to infidelity. Still, I'm curious.

How powerful are our instincts? Did you listen to them? Did you ignore, dismiss or otherwise minimize them?

A long time ago I worked for a private investigator and he gave me the best advice. He said kid, if something seems off it probably is.

So I had have had off feelings that I can’t explain. Then I found if I didn’t listen to them I get sick. But couldn’t figure out what it was until I found it, or go looking. Each time I’ve found something to support my gut feeling even though it was there I chose to believe WS then my own brain. With things in front of me I still allowed him to convince me I was wrong or it wasn’t what it looked like. To the point I was assessed for postpartum depression, which I obviously didn’t have just high anxiety levels.

Example today no reason at all I woke up and had the same gut feeling and I’ve not been well so I checked out WS iPad and he had forgotten to delete texts between him and OW from last week!

So I’d say I know when something or someone is off, I stupidly chose to ignore it. But won’t ever in my life again never trust my own instincts. And I think I will always tell people if you feel something if off it definitely is!

I went into a strange mental state about half way thru my exWW’s 3 year affair. I understood it at the time that it was Retrospective Jealousy about a previous lover of hers. But I now believe it was me perceiving something and misdirecting the focus.

Not sure if this sort of thing would count as a "character trait", even if it is a fairly common experience in betrayal. I might guess we’re a fairly trusting group, maybe.

A lot of the book of proverbs in the Bible is dedicated as a warning against adultery. It talks about adultery as the penultimate example of foolishness, and it talks about foolishness as one who will not listen to outside perspectives. The contrast is wisdom is manifest as a person open to learning and correction. Regardless of religious origins, those categories seem useful to me. It is wise not to shit where you eat.