SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m looking for honest perspectives.

My husband and I are several years into reconciliation after my affair. We’ve tried a lot of things in hopes of helping him heal. One of those has been entering a consensually non-monogamous relationship. To be clear, this hasn’t been about casually sleeping with lots of people. We’ve only met a few couples but every time before we meet a couple I get very depressed and shut down and can’t stop crying.

The difficult part is that this wasn’t really my idea. My husband told me that if we didn’t do this together, he would pursue relationships with other people on his own. I chose to participate because I love him, I wanted to stay together, and he genuinely believes this helps quiet the intrusive thoughts from my betrayal.

The thing is…I have reservations. He knows I do. I’ve been honest that I’m uncomfortable at times and that I don’t know if this is something I truly want for myself. I’m participating, but I can’t honestly say it’s something I would have chosen independently.

After being resistant to therapy for a long time, my husband has recently started individual therapy, and I’m planning to begin therapy myself soon. We’re both still trying to find healthy ways to move forward, which is part of why I’m asking this question.

I’m not looking for people to attack my husband. I know my affair caused an incredible amount of pain, and I understand that he’s been trying to find ways to cope and heal.

What I’m genuinely trying to understand is this: Is it common or fair during reconciliation for a betrayed spouse to say, in essence, "If we don’t do this together, I’ll do it on my own"? Have any of you experienced something similar? Did it help your reconciliation, or did it complicate things?

I’m really looking for thoughtful experiences. I feel conflicted because I understand why he’s hurting, but I’m also trying to figure out where the line is between making sacrifices for reconciliation and agreeing to something despite significant personal reservations.

I think you might want to revisit and re-read some of the replies in your other thread here. I don't think this is a good solution. It's not going to fix anything, especially if you're not into it. You asked that no one "attacks" your husband so I'll refrain from my opinion on what he said to you, but I will say that I think his "solution" and ultimatum isn't coming from a place of healing at all. No, it's not what I'd consider common or normal.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:51 PM, Tuesday, June 30th]

Pogre, thank you for your response. I am honestly confused. On my side finances have been a hurdle as far as me being able to seek therapy. I recently found something that may work though. After him being resistant he finally found a therapist and just started. I doubt he will mention this aspect of the relationship though. I am genuinely confused. I read in other infidelity support groups, and the prevailing thought there seems to be that a BP asking for something like this is perfectly normal. He certainly thinks he has the right to ask. He tells me I don’t have to participate if I don’t want but then he will pursue things on his own. I don’t see how that gets us any closer to reconciliation or healing.

He tells me I don’t have to participate if I don’t want but then he will pursue things on his own. I don’t see how that gets us any closer to reconciliation or healing.

Well what he basically did was get your permission to cheat since you do not feel ok with this arrangement. It is not right for him to ask for this not unless you are 100% on board. I wouldn't even call this an open marriage. It was forced.

I'm a madhatter and had a revenge affair. What I did was wrong and it felt wrong. I used it as a coping mechanism and it was a bad coping mechanism. Not healthy at all. Definitely not the way to heal a M.

My XWS and I did open the M up after I discovered False R with him and his xAP. My XWS had many A's throughout our M and I thought if we opened the M up I would feel numb to the pain of him cheating. Well I eventually did become numb and I also completely fell out love and wanted out of the M. Not only because of that but because all his A's had been dealbreakers and he was diagnosed NPD and I was emotionally abused. Hence our D.

I am genuinely confused. I read in other infidelity support groups, and the prevailing thought there seems to be that a BP asking for something like this is perfectly normal.

I'm betrayed spouse and have/had no desire to open up the marriage or have revenge affair. My wife, in her guilt, gave me "permission" to have a revenge affair and I found it absurd and insulting. Not to mention, how could someone possibly "balance the scales" by having a revenge affair when permission is given? Think about it. If I really wanted to get her back I'd have to lie, deceive, and sneak around for a couple of months then have her stumble upon it out of nowhere for her to feel the same shock and devastation I did.

I think it might be common for a BS to have a desire to balance the scales or have a revenge affair, but not follow through with it or propose an open marriage and tell their spouse "I'm doing it with or without you" if there's an objection. If I were to think to say something like that my thought would also be that the marriage is over.

What you did was absolutely wrong, but what he's doing now is also equally wrong as far as I'm concerned. In fact I think it kinda has an abusive feel to it and makes me wonder if there are any other issues with control or abuse that may have existed even before your affair.

If you think he's not going to tell his counselor what's going on then counseling will almost certainly just be a big fat waste of money and I wouldn't bother. Counseling is only effective if a person is completely truthful, open, and honest with their therapist.

[This message edited by Pogre at 10:12 PM, Tuesday, June 30th]

Just because you cheated doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries.

For a marriage to be rebuilt you both need to be happy. I can understand that what you were seeking in the affair was probably not just more and different sex. Your husband projects that if he were going to cheat that’s what it would be for.

The fact you cry and don’t want to do it should dampen his desire to do this. I would not agree to do things I don’t want to do because long term this is not going to ensure the happiness of both people. He may not be able to accept that, which makes reconciliation impossible. But long term so does making someone choose between swinging or being in an open relationship.

Hopefully he can find a better way to deal with his pain in therapy. I do think it’s normal for a betrayed spouse to entertain these thoughts but overall acting on them is another matter altogether. It doesn’t fix anything, it only creates more chaos.

Your husband is absolutely wrong. There is no justification for infidelity. If he thinks fucking other women will help him heal (it won't), he has every right to divorce you.

This is NOT something you are obligated to do as a price for reconciliation. Being a WW does not negate your right to maintain agency.

I'll refrain from attacking him here on your thread. I can, however, promise you that if he comes here with the same topic... I've got a prize-winning 2x4 ready.