SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TakingSmallSteps,

I'm sorry you're going through this.
The first week finding out was brutal. My world was shattered, and likely so was yours. How could this person you know and love do this to you?

The answer to that is that they probably didn't even think about you.
They only care about themselves and their affair partner when it's happening.

You did NOTHING wrong. REMEMBER that, and BELIEVE that.

The fact that your spouse told you about it vs you discovering it is actually really a big deal. This does not happen a lot, but it also doesn't mean you know all the facts either, so take it with a grain of salt.

I PRAY that nothing happened physically, but I know all too well that unfaithful spouses will lie, gaslight, deflect and blame to keep secrets. They love to say 'I didn't want to hurt you anymore', but they really mean 'I dont want you to know the truth because you might leave me'

The only other advice I can offer is the following:
Take care of YOURSELF.
You can't change your spouse, only THEY can change themselves.
Though most affairs share incredible similarities, each couple has to work through their recovery on their own. There is no right or wrong answer on what you choose to do.

Thank you for all the new messages of support and advice. Today was my first day in the office (I mostly work from home) and it was so nice to have a day interacting with other people to take my mind off slightly - and then I knew I could come home to this forum where I can hear from people who know what this horrible process feels like.

There are a few questions to answer I see - and I think it'll help me to go through them too...

The distinction Letmebefrank is drawing, if I understand correctly, is not "breathing down his neck" vs a more standoffish version of the same; it's that you need to start making ground rules for moving forward.

Got it - ground rules are slowly appearing now and I'm feeling more confident in asserting them. To tell the truth I have always been a bit of a pushover, I've always had certain uncrossable boundaries but on most things I'm flexible and forgiving. In this case, I really have to challenge myself not to let rules slip. I really, really don't want this to happen again.

I don't think you're in a hopeless situation.

Thank you, Pogre, I agree. I am still feeling hope despite the pain. WS has now shared his NC letter with me (I'm happy with it, it's very clear) and today he is sending it. I will check later.

So far, no new details have come forward, and I have pushed. Next step will be writing a timeline. WS seems to feel really painful guilt, so I'm hoping this turns to solid remorse and action in the coming weeks. As long as this happens, I think we stand a good chance. I don't want to be naive, but this is my childhood sweetheart who I cannot imagine being without. I want to give him that chance. Have to remember to hold firm too, as above...

BoundaryBuilder, you asked lots of great questions, I'm going to take a look through those next.

Do H and affair accomplice work together?

Yes, they are coworkers. Approximately the same seniority, though she is a couple of years younger than him. They work in a large open office, at opposite ends of the room. They run in the same work friendship groups, so have previously seen each other in the coffee room/at lunch etc.

AP is in a monogamous relationship but is unhappy. Her partner sounds unpleasant - financially controlling and argumentative.

Did he offer an explanation as to WHY he chose to disclose the A at this time?

He says the guilt was consuming him. On their supposed 'last' meeting, two days before DDay, he attempted to break things off but became worried that he couldn't. This final meeting included hand-holding and a kiss on the cheek. He says this was intended as a goodbye. But she messaged immediately after, and he continued to engage. He said he wanted to tell me, and she begged him not to. She said they could go back to being friends, even if they 'still flirted, but just for fun'. You can't make this up... She is infatuated with him, and I can't see them ever having a healthy relationship. It's too messy.

I do know that another coworker, more of an acquaintance, saw them hugging at the train station, as WS disclosed this to me. He says this other coworker acted flustered, so clearly believed something was going on. I wonder if this was part of the trigger to tell me. Other colleagues also made gentle jokes about the amount of time they spent together (we're British, indirect criticism is a talent of ours!).

Gosh, I pray there isn't more coming...

'If it comes out now, I may walk. If it comes out in the future, I will walk.'

Thank you for sharing, sisoon. I like this phrasing, it sets the boundary without doubt.

Him continuing to work with this woman is going to be a problem for you because that means they still have easy access to each other. Were you to ask him to find another job would he? A truly remorseful WS will do anything and everything to repair the damage he / she has caused.

Hi WB1340, yeah we have spoken about this. He is considering leaving his job. We discussed it a few months ago actually, which I might now need to examine again... He has a stressful corporate job with long hours, and had been talking about finding something closer to home and less high-pressure. I do now wonder if there was more to that talk though!!

Finally...

Though most affairs share incredible similarities, each couple has to work through their recovery on their own. There is no right or wrong answer on what you choose to do.

jeremy99 your message gave me comfort. So much of me wants to go back to 'how things were', because I thought they were really good. I have never once doubted our relationship's strength, which is making this so confusing. But I have to remember that I always have a choice and there isn't a right/wrong choice when it comes to whether I'm staying or going. I know I would make the best of either. I do have faith in myself.

It's just flipping scary right now! I'm feeling okay today. Numb, scared, but managing...

Don’t put too much stock in the fact that he told you about this. In a lot of cases, the WS outs themselves if they got caught by someone that might tell you or sometimes the WS is told they were going to tell the BS.

They can’t continue to work together. This is one of those hard things, but this has to be a boundary for you. Affairs have a lot of similarities to addition. The metaphor that’s often given is that your WH is like an alcoholic. Maybe he’s on the wagon, but you wouldn’t be comfortable with him working as a bartender. Being around his AP is like having an alcoholic work as a bartender. "No Contact" means no contact at all. Not even if they promise to "keep it professional". One of them needs a new job. Seriously. I’m glad you guys have already been considering this.

You need to tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). You’re not going to want to and you’re going to resist this advice. But you have to. First, it’s the Golden Rule. You’d want someone to tell you that your husband was cheating on you. Second, it’s a great way to make sure affairs end. Very frequently, when A’s get exposed, the AP will try to save their own relationship (just like your WH is doing now).

Don’t believe this:

AP is in a monogamous relationship but is unhappy. Her partner sounds unpleasant - financially controlling and argumentative

This is just what she told your WH. There’s a better than average chance that she was full of shit when she feeding this to your WH. I’ll bet you when you talk to OBS you’ll be shocked to find out that he’s a really good guy and he thought things were good between them.