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Because I really do still love her and I'm worried that I might somehow mess this up when it would otherwise be salvageable if I did things correctly. Then I will be left with the regret of driving the person I love away, and the regret of fumbling reconciliation, and splitting our family up.

I think you should let go of the idea that you have any control over what she does or how she responds to this. That would have to be true for you to be responsible for the outcome of the marriage.

The truth is that you didn't deserve the betrayal and infidelity-- no one does-- and you are not responsible for her recovery efforts. She did the wrong; she needs to make up for it and change into a safe partner. If she cannot do that, it's not your fault, no matter what you did or didn't do after D-Day. And it's not your obligation to stay in a marriage with an unsafe partner. If the infidelity results in divorce, that's on her.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 5:32 PM, Tuesday, July 28th]

I agree with all you just wrote. I think you are on the right track.

I may have misunderstood about the letters but what you wrote is what I was saying, discussion needs to be pending.

I don’t think I could reconcile with someone if they just wanted me to fix what makes them unhappy. That’s not going to prevent things from going off the rails.

I think many therapists do want to look at both sides. But there needs to be some epiphanies and change from that.

For example: I cheated because over time I lost touch with my needs and went a long with things I wasn’t happy with.

Change- I am now going to address things and be aware of my feelings about it and work through that with my spouse until we come up with a solution we are both happy with.

I am Also going to trust that I am going to do that moving forward and we can’t go back and try and address the unhappiness.

This does not absolve talking about the past when it comes to the affair because this was a greater damage.

I think instead she has some unconscious fears and blockages because if she takes full accountability in being wrong she loses some sort of good standing she needs to keep to hide this shame she carries.

Shame is not emotion, it’s an unconscious belief that you are bad. It makes you afraid to Pullback the curtain. If she could hold the balance of self compassion, meaning she can see how she became so unhealthy while addressing it, the. She can stop dragging you down with her.

It’s not bad she acknowledges she was hurt by you or was unhappy in the marriage but she has to be part of the solution of creating the marriage she wants. That’s starts at communication which brings me back around to—-she can’t even communicate you have given her a letter. She isn’t just avoiding taking responsibility, she is avoiding being part of the solution.

I would buckle down though and do as sisson just suggested- keep leaning into yourself. Your thoughts about what you will and will not accept are a bit neeer and it’s coming with this period of observation. Look for things it teaches you about you because deciphering her still becomes taking notes to coach her later. And I think you know she has to be the one to do it.

You can heal no matter what she is doing. You may need to detach a bit further because while you intent fighting with her or leading her, you are still taking the mental tax just without communication. Be selfish and take time for yourself. See friends pursue hobbies. Make her a smaller percentage of your life for a bit. Take a true break during this detachment. It seems like you are doing it better than you were but you need to lean into the idea you got you. And while there may be some pickiness if you do divorce there may be better partners and different live down the road. The possibilities are not just be with her and be miserable or be without her and be miserable.

You are growing and are looking at this all with a more realistic lens. It’s freaking hard. Took me years.

Because I think it's extremely likely that should we divorce she will find someone else pretty quickly. She is very social, and has a HUGE group of people she interacts with. Majority male, many of them single actually. I'm worried she will be moving on while I'm stuck alone. Then in my solitude I will have to be aware of her new love interest while my antisocial ass is stuck living alone. We have two children together theres no way I will be able to hide from it. That seems like a special kind of hell to me. Especially when I still love her.

I get this, I really do. My xWGF left me for someone else, and we were still in this small grad-school program together. Had to see her all the time and it was miserable. And we were together for only about 3 years and not even engaged (though I thought we’d marry). I can’t imagine how it could have hurt worse and it’s a tiny fraction of the relationship you have with your WW.

HOWEVER! You are currently the opposite of detached. Not saying it’s not going to be massively painful, but if you end things you’re going to need to start detaching emotionally, and the more you do that, the less devastating it will be.

Are you currently working on your self-esteem? The more mojo you have, the more you’ll be able to face it. You seem like a really great guy and I’d bet you’d find meeting people easier than you fear.

Theevent

Because I really do still love her and I'm worried that I might somehow mess this up when it would otherwise be salvageable if I did things correctly.

After betrayal it is so easy to feel like you have to do everything perfectly or the whole marriage will fall apart and somehow that puts the weight back onto the person who was hurt and you can make mistakes because you are human and injured but you cannot reconcile for both of you. Marriage problems are one thing and cheating is another and her work cannot be replaced by you finding the perfect words the perfect timing or the perfect way to explain your pain.

She doesn't want to be the bad guy in this scenario, and as long as I "did bad things" in her mind, she can spread some of the blame over here to me

Yes exactly this as taking responsibility for unhappiness is not the same as taking responsibility for betrayal and she can have feelings about the marriage and still own that she chose secrecy and an affair. You were operating with the information you had then and if she was unhappy but hiding it or storing resentment then you were not given a fair chance to respond to reality - and that matters....you do not have to decide everything today but you also do not have to keep carrying the fear that one wrong move from you will ruin reconciliation - if it is real then both people have to carry it....

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - FDR

I understand that you still love your wife. That's common enough among BSs who offer the gift of reconciliation.

The rest is fear, which profits a man nothing. Never let fear hold you back.