Hi again, and thanks to everyone for weighing in on my initial post (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=667236&HL=87610).
It's been a month and a week since D-day, and in that time I've spent three weeks alone before deciding to cohabitate again and attempt to reconcile. Throughout that time, we've been seeing our psychiatrist both for individual therapy, and two couples' sessions. I've had in-depth conversations with close friends, family members, and of course plenty of conversations with my WW.
I'm finding it rather difficult to orient myself in any particular direction. When I was alone, I didn't feel any less conflicted, either - one day, feeling more positive and wanting to reconcile and try to build something stronger, and the next, feeling absolute despair and the desire to take my chances on my own again.
Everyone, including my therapist, keeps telling me to "follow my gut"... frankly, I have IBS, so this isn't helpful!!!
Jokes aside, it truly doesn't feel helpful. The whole scenario has left my gut reaction completely confused, since it simultaneously wants to run toward the woman I loved for 14 years and has been my best friend, and run from the person who caused me the greatest hurt I've experienced in my life thus far. Both coexist simultaneously, and I'm basically being told to wait it out until that conflict settles into something concrete. I don't believe it ever will, and that's in part because I'm trying to rationalize irrational behavior. Logic, and even my emotional baseline, cannot comprehend or reconcile these facts, since they fundamentally cannot coexist in my experienced reality. And yet, here we are.
As expressed in my original post, my WW has CPTSD, paranoid personality disorder, has experienced all-consuming delusions, and struggled with immensely low self-esteem over the past few years that has caused her to question reality itself. Primarily, questioning whether or not I loved her, she loved me, or even who she is (if "she" wasn't a facade of a person built exclusively through this relationship and my input, as opposed to her own development as an individual). Her rationalization (in the moment) of the affair was truly believing I wouldn't be hurt that much by it, since it would be me getting upset over losing "control over her" as opposed to me actually being emotionally harmed.
Since then, she's taken full responsibility, shown genuine remorse, and done everything imaginable to try to rekindle what she destroyed. She's listened to me when I've been upset, been completely honest and proactively transparent about every detail without hesitation. She's disgusted with herself but trying not to focus too much on it, since she recognizes that would fuel the same low self-esteem that allowed her to believe she could be "the type of person who could have an affair, keep it to herself and never let me find out".
I keep finding myself thinking "well, despite the intentions and deception, it ultimately only amounted to a series of kisses / making out..." While still absolutely a betrayal, and they even laid in bed cuddling in underwear and making out, the fact they only reached a rather intimate "first base" does keep reentering my head as a mitigating factor. In the grand scheme of our 14 years together, this person didn't "get" even a fractional percentage of what we've experienced together physically. But, in terms of intimacy, the AP and my WW did get to experience the novelty and butterflies of newness - precisely what she was chasing to begin with: passion, obsession, and the excitement of a pursuit. But, while that might've been true, the scale was truly only two nights. Once, when my WW initiated a quick goodbye kiss before we went on a 1-month long vacation overseas together, and again two days after we got back when she went over to the AP's apartment with the intention of having a secretive sexual experience, that only amounted to a few makeout sessions and cuddling in their bed, before she burst into tears and came home to tell me about it. There were no intimate texts, no sharing of listening to music together, deep conversations... so even that rush of novel intimacy in the form of making out and some cuddling in bed pales in comparison to the true depth of our relationship throughout 14 years. And, my WW mentioned that it was on this night that she recognized she didn't want a relationship with this person, but had originally envisioned an "easy, sapphic life", that then morphed into her providing an "exciting sexual experience for this person who was clearly obsessed with me", wherein she felt like she could provide and be valuable to this person in a way she couldn't feel with me (I'm a pretty secure person - she's always felt "lesser" than me due to her struggles with making friends, making progress in her career, having an unstable and unsupportive family while I have the opposite, etc.) All this is to say, the more she explained, the more I could connect the dots of how she arrived at such a messed up mental state and sense of self that impulses are more easily understood than parsing through the complex emotions of reality. Succumbing to the ease and straightforwardness of impulses is something I can observe, but personally would never consider an option. While I'm thankful for that, I can certainly understand its allure - especially now.
Similarly, while her mental illness is NOT an excuse, it does offer an explanation that I can at least begin to understand. The number of fears that fed her delusion that I didn't love her, or would abandon her for someone else younger/more sexually exciting once she got older, makes sense with her years-long lack of self esteem and belief that her value was exclusively due to her sexual capabilities. She's since said that in the middle of her betrayal with the AP, she started crying because she realized that her delusions weren't true, that I did love her and she truly did love me, and that she wanted nothing more than to "come home". But, the consequences of those actions are weighing on me in ways I can't control.
Since then, we've been intimate, but I feel... kinda numb. It feels physically satisfying/enjoyable, but emotionally I feel very little actual connection. I'm able to joke around with her still, and we're able to spend time together, and it almost feels "normal" again - and that's precisely when I recognize it feels normal, and my stomach drops. Normal feels fucking terrifying now. Am I supposed to be able to laugh with her?! Is it bad that I can even feel normal with her, or is it bad that I feel my stomach drop when things start to feel good again? This is what I mean when I say "follow your gut" feels unhelpful - because on the one hand my gut wants to feel normal again, and return to what truly was the relationship I always wanted, with the person I wanted it with. But on the other, recognizing that same relationship was, at some level, a lie... but was it?! Was all 14 years a lie?! Can I even fully believe that when my WW actively experiences paranoid delusions and CPTSD episodes that quite literally make her into a different person who enters a state where her reality has become so disorienting and fear-inducing that she self-sabotages and wills into existence the very fears she's trying to avoid, because if they happen, then it's fear of the known, instead of the unknown? The paranoia is no longer a delusion, but a confirmed reality, even if it's one she's caused?
My therapist keeps talking about the concept of self-betrayal, and the idea that "you drew these boundaries for a reason - reconnect with those and sit with them." I have been sitting with them, I know why I drew them, but it's that good 'ole quote of "Everyone’s got a plan until they get hit in the face" coming into full effect for me, and now I need to seriously consider if leaving what was my ideal relationship out of some sort of duty to myself is actually in my own best interest, or just in the interest of upholding a concept of self-worth determined by society at large? While I'm sure I could find another relationship, I have truly felt like my WW is my "soul-mate" in every sense of the term. We've shared more than I could ever experience with another partner, and what we've shared isn't something I'd want to leave behind. We've grown up together, quite literally, and share a connection on so many levels that I know I'd be sacrificing in a future relationship. Again, not trying to say I couldn't find another person I connect with, but the one thing I know for a fact in this entire scenario is that I'd never share a connection with quite the same scope as the relationship I'd be leaving behind. But, is the betrayal too deep to recover from? And now, again, we're back to my brain determining whether the "scope" of the betrayal should impact the outcome ("home run" vs. first base, two encounters vs. months-long, etc.) And so the cycle continues.
Conversely, my father (whose opinion I respect and value deeply) is advocating for forgiveness and leaning into the "good times". He's advocated for "living life forward", holding my WW to the concrete change she herself has offered, and that these episodes of numbness, anger, despair, etc, will become less frequent, and less intense. He feels our relationship is and was founded on something real, and that patience, forgiveness, and guidance are tenants of upstanding and exemplary men. I'm inclined to agree with him, and of course want to make my father proud, but I'm still concerned about the feelings of fear I'm feeling toward "normalcy", and the emotional distance I'm experiencing toward my WW despite her desperate attempts to reconnect and show affection.
I apologize if this post comes across as rambling, I tried to distill many of the conflicting feelings I've been having into something readable, while including relevant context. How have any of you successful R-ers navigated these surges of emotion, and cycles of thinking and feeling? Given my situation, is this normal, and/or is this something I should truly be sitting with more? Am I overthinking any of this, or not giving enough consideration to a particular viewpoint? Any perspectives would be greatly welcome.
@GotTheMorbs, I'd greatly value your input, as I know you're familiar with many of the intricacies of my specific "case", if you're around 
