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My reco is to distinguish between healing and the disposition of your M. You need to get grounded again, and that means starting to process the grief, anger, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. That will help you think more clearly. Your posts make me think you've done that. A good IC can help.

Understand that your healing has to include integrating your experience into your life story. Your W did these things, and ignoring that is to lie to yourself, which is a terrible idea. Honesty is the best policy, especially with yourself.

IMO, love is a prerequisite for R, but it's far from sufficient in itself.

You're 5 months out, which is still the beginning of healing. Both R and D are possibilities. I understand you want a quick solution; I certainly did - that's where the 'soon' part of my ID came in. But it simply takes a long time to find out of R will work. I wanted an optimal answer to the stay/go decision. I realized I was making a decision that would affect decades of my life, so I thought the decision deserved the time and effort it would take to come to a long term conclusion. You're younger than me, so you have even more reason IMO to take the time you need.

IMO, the M can't be fixed on it's own. You have to heal you. Your W has to heal herself. Together you heal the M, but that works only if you both work on your own healing.

My reco is to focus on yourself. Figure out what you want. Figure out how you'll know if R is or is not working, and share that with your W. If she agrees, you can start R. If she doesn't agree with you on what R will be, and if she doesn't come up with alternatives that work for you, R will be a no-go. If your W falters and doesn't get back on track, R will be a no-go.

If you really do want R, figure out how you'll live a good life after D. That way you choose between 2 ways to win.

In most ways, I was at my lowest point when I was 5 months out. You can assure yourself that you will live a good life again, despite your W's infidelity. This is a blow, but you can survive and thrive.

*****

With CSA in the mix, my reco is to require your W do serious IC. I also recommend requiring her to sign a release allowing her IC to talk with you.

My reco is to distinguish between healing and the disposition of your M. You need to get grounded again, and that means starting to process the grief, anger, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. That will help you think more clearly. Your posts make me think you've done that. A good IC can help.

Understand that your healing has to include integrating your experience into your life story. Your W did these things, and ignoring that is to lie to yourself, which is a terrible idea. Honesty is the best policy, especially with yourself.

IMO, love is a prerequisite for R, but it's far from sufficient in itself.

You're 5 months out, which is still the beginning of healing. Both R and D are possibilities. I understand you want a quick solution; I certainly did - that's where the 'soon' part of my ID came in. But it simply takes a long time to find out of R will work. I wanted an optimal answer to the stay/go decision. I realized I was making a decision that would affect decades of my life, so I thought the decision deserved the time and effort it would take to come to a long term conclusion. You're younger than me, so you have even more reason IMO to take the time you need.

IMO, the M can't be fixed on it's own. You have to heal you. Your W has to heal herself. Together you heal the M, but that works only if you both work on your own healing.

My reco is to focus on yourself. Figure out what you want. Figure out how you'll know if R is or is not working, and share that with your W. If she agrees, you can start R. If she doesn't agree with you on what R will be, and if she doesn't come up with alternatives that work for you, R will be a no-go. If your W falters and doesn't get back on track, R will be a no-go.

If you really do want R, figure out how you'll live a good life after D. That way you choose between 2 ways to win.

In most ways, I was at my lowest point when I was 5 months out. You can assure yourself that you will live a good life again, despite your W's infidelity. This is a blow, but you can survive and thrive.

*****

With CSA in the mix, my reco is to require your W do serious IC. I also recommend requiring her to sign a release allowing her IC to talk with you.

WT2, wow.

Do you feel you may be Codependent and if you could shake that and find a loyal women who is CONTENT WITH YOU....that you would be glad you left?

That hits the nail on the head. I’m definitely codependent. I do think a lot about one day finding a faithful woman. I know nothing in life is certain, but I’m certain I didn’t make my wife become a serial cheater and I’m certain I’d never pick this wrong again.

That hits the nail on the head. I’m definitely codependent. I do think a lot about one day finding a faithful woman. I know nothing in life is certain, but I’m certain I didn’t make my wife become a serial cheater and I’m certain I’d never pick this wrong again.

You absolutely didn't make her a serial cheater! Never question that.

I'm sure you'd not pick this wrong again should you find the courage to leave.

Please forgive this rant, but until she manages to get genuine help about being molested, nothing in her life is going to work properly. I cannot stress enough, what rape of a child does to their brain. It may not be penetration. It may not be anything more than a fondle, but it is so life altering to that child that they never again trust anybody completely. They get angry at their parents because they should’ve protected them. They get angry at the sex of the person who did it. If it was a male then all men are suspect. If it was a woman the same issue. Please please understand she needs EMDR immediately. It’s very short term therapy to go digging for those memories and pull them out into the sunshine where they can be worked through and talked about. You are not a wimp for holding on because I think you recognize she is a victim. I suggest all of you watch the movie Spotlight. It is the true story of Catholic priests, molesting children, in their care. What you get is a taste of what an adult deals with when it happens to them. (I also suggest for any of you who have been molested or have someone that you love has had it done to look at videos done by Marilyn van Durber who was a Miss America and was molested from the time she was five until she was 15 by her father. She had a dissociative episode in her 40s where she was completely paralyzed. That’s the damage that’s done to a child). I beg you to make sure she’s in therapy right now. I wouldn’t worry about a marriage counselor. This is beyond anything you can do anything about except support her and push her until she gets to someone who can help her heal.

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[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:16 AM, Friday, October 23rd]