Ramble...I'm sorry. Just processing thoughts, and hoping for some input, if you can get through the post.
Last night FWH came home with D papers and began filling them out at the kitchen table.
He said he L me, he had changed, and that he was tired of me and couldn't take any more.
He has been very confident lately, fighting instead of being PA. Sometimes his arguments seem to be twisted, and our perceptions of what was said and in what order do not match. He says I twist things, and at times I feel like he is trying to trap me in erroneous retelling of the events. It seems at time if he senses a weakness he will go for it to prove he is right. This makes me feel vulnerable and unsafe. This happens when we are trying to work out a misunderstanding...but we never come to an understanding because both our stories don't match, even when we were both there, saying, doing the very things that caused the argument.
I convinced him to come upstairs to discuss one of his sexual complaints. I didn't want to discuss it in front of the children. They had heard enough already. They knew what was going on, and were trying to ignore us, asking to watch a movie. Both he and I had told them Dad is asking for a D.
Upstairs he said I had to:
1. Listen to his words. Believe what he says.
2. Treat him like a friend, come along side, not attack.
3. Get anger counselling.
4. Stop blaming him.
5. Stop accusing him.
6. Stop calling him names.
7. Never again bring up any of his past failures or sins.
8. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
9. Don't discount anything he says.
I feel like the above list is a trap. On the surface it looks fine to me. But where does it end? Am I agreeing to be a silent partner, just going along with whatever he decides from now on, with no input, much less any right to disagree with him? I am not convinced this is a healthy thing to agree to 100%.
I get that he doesn't want me to bring up the past anymore. I have much bitterness about some past financial/professional decisions he made that have put us behind and now, in his 50's he has to work 70+ hours a week. I tried to be part of his decisions 20 years ago, so he wouldn't be working like that now...but he had other ideas. And he completely ignored my ideas, belittling them, over and over again through the years. Every day he is home after dark, every week he has one day off, it is a reminder to me. He is missing out on our children, since he has to work so hard. I must let it go. He doesn't like how much he is working, either. He forgets what got him in this situation, in his 50's, and that it could have been different had he let me be part of his decisions and not been so closed and defensive about his career decisions.
I have struggled with unforgiveness and resentfulness during our entire M. I had abandonment issues when we met, they went away during our M, only resurfacing after 19 years when he had the A and asked for a D. Now I constantly fear being abandoned...and it is not just me anymore, but our children I am concerned for.
I'm sorry if I am rambling. I'm broken, afraid, crying and even now I should be getting ready to shuttle our children to watch their friends who are in a piano competition, but I want to get this down, so you all can hit me with 2x4's and tell me I'm sick, wrong, deserve to be left. Or perhaps (probably not, though) that I'm not crazy.
During our M, H made a lot of decisions without me, which greatly affected our lives, and not always in a positive way. We are suffering the consequences of that today. I cannot seem to accept it and move on. It is true that I have deep wounds still because of past things. I feel very afraid, and insecure because of past behaviors. I protect myself by acting aloof and many times cold or angry.
I don't know anyone who would want to live with me acting that way. But I thought that at least the person who caused those wounds would stick around and help me through it.
I really do want to change and not be angry or afraid anymore. But I feel so vulnerable, so unsafe, like the rug could be pulled out from under at any time, like the first time 4 years ago. At least this time I almost expected it. The first time I was caught blind sided.
I'm a broken person. As I grew in our M, I became confident, trusted in myself and in the stability of our M vows. I felt like we were one, separated by death only. It was not always smooth, but I knew it was strong. With his A and then the lies until DD#2 (porn use) he broke me and now he is discarding me because I am broken and he doesn't like the sharp edges.
He says he wants me to change, like he is changing. How much? Will I forever be living with the D papers hanging over my head? "You haven't changed enough, so I want a D."
He has changed a lot. But not enough time has passed for me to know if those are real changes or temporary. I only found out about the porn use one year ago, and it took me back to a new D-Day. He says, "I'm not looking at porn anymore, I've repented and therefore you should not bring it up or be upset about it anymore."
The porn discovery affected me on a very deep level. I had been going to counselling for 2 years, believing he was 100% there for our family since he ended the A. The mind game he played to cover up his porn that night showed me a different side of him that really caused me concern. He tried to make me feel petty and stupid for being upset that he missed the entire family event, because according to him, he had been on a very important phone call with someone....from church. Why was I so selfish and short sighted? Then I discovered he had been looking at porn. It is the mind game he played with me to belittle me that traumatized me more than the infidelity with the porn.
Is he still playing mind games with me. He has me on my knees now. I don't want him to go. I don't want him to break up our family, disrupt our lives. He promised to love me until death do us part. Through sickness and through health. I'm sick...my heart and mind are sick and he helped get me there.
I don't want to rock our children's worlds. This whole thing is breaking my heart.