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The OW is not the problem!

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Safeguard posted 9/27/2013 20:45 PM

We hear so much about the OW here. "The other women made him do it", mentality seems rampant. Poor, weak WH's just could not stand up for us against the femm'e fatal.

HELLO?! Your husband was looking to have an affair, or else he wouldn't have been in one!

Is no one else sick of the scorn,that the OW gets, while the WH get's the "gift of reconciliation".

Ick! They both did the exact same thing to you. They are both the same. Oh. Except that your WH really knew you. knew how much you loved, and sacrificed,for your family...(not that he shared THAT with ow!

I just don't get it.

openedupmyeyes posted 9/27/2013 20:50 PM

Amen! Truth!

SisterMilkshake posted 9/27/2013 20:55 PM

I just don't get it.

Although a lot of affairs have a lot in common, they are all not exactly the same. Whilst I hold my FWH fully and wholly responsible about what he did, the OW was predatory and continued to fish for at least 8 years after my FWH ended the affair.

Is no one else sick of the scorn,that the OW gets,
No, I am not sick of the scorn that the OW's and OM's get. I have been here for over almost 3 years and I get and understand the scorn that these BS's feel for the AP's. They deserve every ounce of it.
They are both the same.
No, they are not.

Grace Under Fire posted 9/27/2013 20:57 PM

I never believed the OW made my husband have an affair. But I certainly was thankful I could come to SI and vent some pretty venomous words about her and have people understand my anger.

My husband got to listen to me vent for hours upon hours. That was part of the "gift" of reconciliation. The OW? Didn't have to hear it. So I came here instead. And am eternally grateful for the folks who listened and didn't judge me while I cycled through all the stages of recovering from infidelity.

TheGarden posted 9/27/2013 20:59 PM

My WH's AP was a very close friend of mine. She knew her behavior would be a betrayal, that it would damage my marriage, and that it would hurt me. And she didn't even have the moral character to apologize to me after the A came to light.

If WH had never been involved at all, and her betrayal was something else of a similar magnitude that didn't involve an affair with my husband (let's say she stole a lot of money from me or deliberately sabotaged my career), I would still be really damn angry and upset with her, I would still feel utterly used and thrown aside by her, I would still be mourning the friendship and my trust, etc.

So yeah, sadly, the OW really does matter in my case.

Broken1Again posted 9/27/2013 21:04 PM

Sorry, no I'm not "sick" of the scorn the OW/OP get. I think for the most part most of them deserve it. If they knew he/she was married then WTH??? They get off almost scott free. The spouse that chooses to stay and R does not. They are still living the aftermath of the A years later. What is the OP living?

I'll never forget when I was pregnant with my 2nd, WS had an A with a person that I thought was a friend. I kicked him out. He immediately went to stay with her. I remember we only had one car at the time and he took it and would put a lock on the steering wheel so I couldn't come and get it. One day my 2 year old had a fever I showed up at her door because I needed the keys to the car. Enough was enough. I was pregnant and had a son who was sick. WS could F off and drive her car. She answered the door and looked at me with disgust like I was the OW.

I almost beat my WS with the Car lock that day right in front of her. I was so mad. After when we tried to R she got invited on a company trip by her ex (whom she left for my WS) found out we would be there too and had the nerve to call my house to "apologize". ONly so it wouldn't make the trip uncomfortable for her. Oh I gave her a piece of my mind.

So if you think that I am sick of the "scorn" OW/OM get here? ummm...NO! Hell NO! If they didn't know WS was married, well that's a different ballgame altogether. But most of them do and then they talk Smack about the BS as though they are better then us? And what about OW/OM who are the aggressors? Don't even get me started on that.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 9:07 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Gr8Lady posted 9/27/2013 21:07 PM

I agree, no one held a gun to anyone's head and forced an affair. It takes two to tango

It was a choice. A bad choice, but a choice

Lucky posted 9/27/2013 21:09 PM

HELLO?! Your husband was looking to have an affair, or else he wouldn't have been in one!

Uhmmm NO. He wasn't looking for an affair, and YES, he was preyed upon by an OW who wanted my life.

Scorn? Tough shit if they get it, just as Mr Lucky got it from OW' s BS
(He really didn't though, BS laid the blame squarely at OW's feet)

hobbeskat posted 9/27/2013 21:12 PM

The OW was one of my best friends. She knew how much I love my WH, she was at my hen night and my wedding only 5 months previously. She was the one who had a crush on him for 2 years and didn't tell me. I reserve the right to blame her, too. He is guilty- more guilty. But she is too.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:12 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

Safeguard posted 9/27/2013 21:13 PM

Grace, I(loved that show btw!),
I get it if OW was a friend, who knew you. Sista's just Don't Do That!

I am talking about the , "Oh she was 20yrs younger, thinner, better vocabulary, and he succumbed... after all
I did gain a pound after seven children and didn't meet his every sensual desire
and he was alone, drinking, with the "wrong" friends...

I can FORGIVE WH... (After I put him through hell for several yrs, as "proof that he does, in fact, love ONLY me). But the OW was just a HO. No redemption for that Bitch. You lured my poor defenseless husband to cheat on me! Why that's emotional rape! She should rot in prison!


[This message edited by Safeguard at 9:16 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 9/27/2013 21:14 PM

"The other women made him do it", mentality seems rampant
I don't agree with this at all. As I have said, I have been here for almost 3 years and this is not the rampant mentality here. In fact, if a member tries to put all the blame on the AP's , we gently remind the poster that isn't the truth. Sometimes not so gently. We explain both the WS and the AP's are both 100% responsible for their own choices.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/27/2013 21:16 PM

Wow. Whats going on with you tonight Safeguard? You sound very upset.

It also sounds to me like you are reading a different board than SI.

stillhurting3610 posted 9/27/2013 21:18 PM


I understand part of what you are trying to say in regards to some that may try to or it may seem based on their words that they are placing all or most of the blame on the OW but I don't think it is because they leave the spouse blameless.

I think many of the posts below reflect why the scorn is so rampant here. As one poster stated they never got to vent to or share their feelings of blame on the OW. They never had their say for lack of a better term so here is where they vent and blame.

As many of the other posters also comment both here and other threads, the OW/OM in most cases knew the WS was married and many pursued them. Not to say the spouse was not to blame as well but when someone knowingly does something like this they do deserve the scorn and blame.

Some posters have identified the OW/OM as a friend or a person that they had a level of trust with, this is an equal betrayal.

While I by no means leave my WH blameless, I actually lay most of the blame on him for breaking my heart and trust. I blame him for putting me on the emotional roller coaster and the long painful journey back to some type of peace. I am still searching for that.

But I most certainly blame the OW in my case for many things, maybe not the breaking my trust or going against vows of marriage, but she has plenty to be blamed for. She knew my husband was married. She pursued him, she sent many messages of hate to me to show their affair when he was not leaving to be with her. She put all regard for another human being aside to pursue what she wanted.

She stalked me and infiltrated my life in many ways. To this day I have never engaged in any conversation with her. I have taken the high road and will not do some of the many things I would love to do and say. It would not matter.

I guess I said all of this to say that I feel you are mistaken in stating you comments in this thread. The beauty of this wonderful sight is we all can come here and share our pain our frustration and our vents. I don't believe we feel the OW/OM was some femme fatal and our spouse some weak soul who fell prey.

I think most would see it for what it is a spouse that is open to an opportunity and in most cases like a lion seeking out the weak one in the herd many OW/OM seek them out as easy prey.

I mean no offense when I say all this I just felt strongly about your post and had to comment.

Gajit posted 9/27/2013 21:18 PM

My WH said "it just happened".
Yeah, like our 25 years together "just happened"!!!
It is a choice and BOTH are to blame!
They are POS scumbags that need to be kicked to the curb by real, honest, loving people!

brknwmn posted 9/27/2013 21:23 PM

Is no one else sick of the scorn,that the OW gets, while the WH get's the "gift of reconciliation".

No offense but this makes you sound like you are an OW/OM. Anyone who has been in the shoes of a BS has the right to feel sick at the thought of the OW/OM...regardless of if they know the BS or not, if they know about a serious relationship they should have enough self respect to back the fuck off

quoting hobbeskat

He is guilty- more guilty. But she is too

my FWH is definitely guilty, but she knew about me... and I called her & told her about herself. she felt no remorse so excuse me for disliking her....the only reason why my FWH is getting "the gift of reconciliation" is because we have history together. that OW is just a blip in time (one that rocked my world) had she apologized...i would've tried to forgive her...but she didn't feel bad and it seems like you don't either...but I'm just making an assumption that you are an OW/OM or a WS trying to defend their OW/OM

if i'm wrong please feel free to let me know.

Lucky posted 9/27/2013 21:24 PM


How insulting. And nice of you to spew your anger at a hurting BS in JFO a bit ago.

OldCow18 posted 9/27/2013 21:26 PM

I blame WH completely for this. It is his fault absolutely. He is the one that broke his vows TO ME. I don't feel OW made him do a damn thing, he sought this out all on his own.

Unfortunately, he wasn't alone in his "crime". She absolutely deserves blame as well. She was an "accomplice". In my case she was a friend (with friends like that who needs enemies...). My issue is with WH, but that does not mean OW walks away scott free. Just my 2 cents.

Safeguard posted 9/27/2013 21:27 PM

Forgive me Sister, I am NOT "reading a different board than SI. LOL.

I "Get It". most people NEED to believe, The Devil made their partner screw them over.

I'm just saying. No Sir. That's not how it it is. Some people get that, and others need to believe in Alien forces. I get tired of the BS. That is all.
Carry on.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 9:28 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

stillhurting3610 posted 9/27/2013 21:28 PM


I could not have said that better myself.

I also caught the post in JFO and was quite taken aback and found this thread and had to comment.

My first thought was similar to what brknwmm stated but I saw the long profile an thought maybe not.

Either way I thought it was uncalled for and out of left field.

Holly-Isis posted 9/27/2013 21:33 PM

You don't think that the BWs (and BHs too) look at the person sleeping next to them and know full well their spouse was, for a time at least, their enemy?

When you have affection for someone, it's easier to focus anger elsewhere. That doesn't mean you don't have any at all. It doesn't mean you don't hold them just as accountable. It just means there's a safer place to focus your anger while you work on the issues with your spouse and deal with that anger bit by bit rather than all at once.

Like Lucky, I know xOw1 wanted my life. She told me, I just didn't take her literally. None of that would've mattered if MrH had just said no or had boundaries strong enough that he wasn't ever alone with her.

All that said, once I knew the whole story all the pieces suddenly clicked into place and I saw how she methodically drove a wedge between us. Encouraging arguments, saying one thing to him, another to me...she was sneaky and had a goal.

I'm not sick of the OP getting bashed. I'm sick of people that tell BSs how they should feel and where their focus should be. It's one thing if a BS keeps accepting mistreatment from a WS but looks to the OP to stop the behavior. It's completely different when it's a BS trying to process it all, whether in R or D. We all go through stages in dealing with this and vilification of the OP is usually one of those stages.

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