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Help please, I found him on Ashley Madison

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inmisery1 posted 11/22/2013 14:41 PM

I just found my husband pic on Ashley Madison, I'm trying to hold it together. I started shaking like a leaf when I saw him. He says he wants to R, I sent him a message using a fake profile to see if I get a reply. I'm trying to keep from exploding. If he replies, I'll set a date to meet him. Surprise! If he doesn't answer, maybe he means it this time.

Jrazz posted 11/22/2013 14:45 PM

There's nothing good about him being on there. There's not a question you could put to him that you can't answer yourself.

If you go ahead with the sting operation, be prepared for this EXACT response:

"I knew it was you. I was testing you to see if you were spying on me. You're the one with the problem."

He's showing you who he is. I'm so sorry. What do you think you are going to do about this when you confront?

Sending hugs and strength.

Brandon808 posted 11/22/2013 14:47 PM

Sorry you're going through this. Please, please talk to a lawyer asap. Take screen shots of his profile. Protect yourself first.

painfulpast posted 11/22/2013 14:52 PM

I think there's a way to see when someone joined that site, if I remember.

And Jrazz is so right - that's EXACTLY what you'll hear. So, if he answers, send a friend that he doesn't know in to be 'the date' at first, just to see how he responds, and THEN walk out. He'll still say it, but it will mean nothing and you'll both know it.

inmisery1 posted 11/22/2013 14:55 PM

You're right, might as well confront now

Tred posted 11/22/2013 14:57 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that. Jrazz is right. If he has an AM account, that means he probably has at least one secret e-mail account.

tushnurse posted 11/22/2013 20:38 PM

I would skip meeting up get your screen shots and head directly to an attorney. He is not on there just for fun, or cause he's bored. Time to protect yourself and get tough. Any reason for this is just a lame excuse. He is someplace he has no business being.

You deserve much much more. Time to demand it.

(((and strength )))

seriouslylostit posted 11/23/2013 07:42 AM

What you do is set up a fake account and with the fake account just say "oh wow I know you .... You're (name) and I'm going to tell your wife"

He is bold to put his picture on there and that's what he gets.

Then claim this person printed out for you. If he presses hard on who it is, claim somebody from his work. Let him think his work thinks he's a whore.

seriouslylostit posted 11/23/2013 07:53 AM

WARNING - when I was investigating on AM looking for my now Ex, I came across a guy with his picture and got curious and asked wtf? He said he would say that a friend put him on there as a joke if discovered!

KatieG posted 11/23/2013 08:00 AM

OMG, I bet you're shaking now, I know that feeling!

I wish I had the presence of mind to engineer a meeting or catch him out. If you can calm down and think straight you can find out more.

When I was in TT I stupidly created a profile on AM and then when we had DD I told my WBF. He was curious and set up an account too. I found him and sent him a message - of course by that time he knew it was me. He couldn't message me back without paying a fee, I managed to do it for free. So if he replies he has paid money.

You could keep the dialogue going to get more information about his motivation. All that takes strength I know.

[This message edited by KatieG at 8:01 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

steadfast1973 posted 11/23/2013 08:12 AM

I found the same thing when WH was in his EA fog... he claimed he was bored, and just using it for the "spank bank". From experience, I know that it very well may start that way... but trust me, the fog gets thicker, and they get bolder.I swept it under the rug... now I am sitting two weeks out from Dday#2, kicking myself for it.

I also like the idea of saying "Hey, I know you!" Put the fear of God in him. I changed my WH's profile... (he was logged in when I found it, save password and all...) It said, "I'm a selfish asshole who only cares about himself, looking to get laid. But you should know my wife is a crazy fucking internet ninja with FBI skills that WILL find you." Not that it worked. He just got mad at me for snooping... stupid fog... I hate that he had to hit rock bottom to clear it. (also.. pardon my's laden with profanity...)

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:19 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

realitybites posted 11/23/2013 08:17 AM

What is your plan when you confront? I ask because so many times a BS rushes in and gets no answers or lame answers like the above.

You need a plan? What are you going to do if he is still betraying you? Are you just going to confront and cross your fingers and hope he spills....what? What are your drop dead deal breakers?

I say lay low, keep digging. This lets you find more dirt and it also gives you time to get a plan together.

hurtsobadinside posted 11/23/2013 08:40 AM

inmisery1 ....I am soo sorry for the emotional pain you are going through...I send you strength and hugs to get thru this.

My recommendation is for you to install
a "key-logger" on your home computer (assuming thats the computer he is using)

you will get screen shots and know every sign-on name and password he uses in any email account he has and the entire content of what he types etc.

again...sending you strength..... i know our pain

me: 58-FS
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA-maybe 10yrs?) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 26 yrs
in "R"
and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (didnt know what i was going to do?)
I contacted AP's faithful wife who knew nothing, we stayed in contact to monitor their every move.
Broke NC multiple times, final NC July 2012.
Fog, denial, blame shifting, issue avoidance,rub sweeping, TT you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful

tryingagain74 posted 11/23/2013 23:37 PM

AM is where my ex found his AP.

Honestly, I wouldn't bother with espionage. When a person joins AM, I don't care WHAT excuse he/she gives-- that person has joined a site where he/she has made the DELIBERATE choice to cheat. I'm not trying to compare pain here or say that one way is worse than another, but it's just not quite the same thing as spending time with a co-worker and letting inappropriate feelings evolve. It's a person not being around anyone else where there is cheating potential and coldly DECIDING, "I think I'm going to have an A. I just need to go somewhere that guarantees a partner."

If I were you, I'd print out his profile and then give a copy to him when you serve him with D papers. He clearly isn't taking R seriously, or he would never have put up a profile or left a profile up there. I think it's time you showed him some consequences.

I'm sorry that you've joined our special subset of BSs that can thank AM for helping to facilitate the A.

Getting to Happy posted 11/24/2013 17:35 PM


I hope your doing okay today.

Wishing you peace and clarity in the days ahead.

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