SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

LostSamurai posted 1/30/2014 11:17 AM

I know this is a pretty whatever statement and 2x4's and flames are coming. Of course I am a Man so it may seem that way, but from things I read on here and other places, why does it seem WW are worst than WH?

This could go in the ICR forum probably... but it just seems that Infidelity caused by a married woman is much worst. Seems like the Women go into limbo for longer period of time, they get more hooked on affair partners, and they are heavier in a fog. Speaking from my own experience. They seem to become more disrespectful, play mind games like frat boys play Call of Duty. Women seem to be more vindictive sexually and seem to be able to justify the reason for what they did more based on the marriage.

They seem to complain, about the attention or the lack of listening and trust, and then boom they are out getting all types of nasty on. Then they talk down to their man, and make them feel inferior about everything. Then they act like they don't know if they want to recover the marriage...or is this just a particular to my WW.

Can things really be that bad for a WW that they decide, to give up on the M, their family, their children, their God?

Yes, I am venting, but I want perspective. WS are always welcome.

norabird posted 1/30/2014 11:23 AM

I assure you, wayward men can be a piece of work and justify and lie and betray with the best of them. It's not a gender question--it's a character question. Some women and men have integrity; some don't, and their brokenness goes equally deep no matter their sex. Reading through these forums has taught me that BP's of both genders get equally taken for a ride.

Jrazz posted 1/30/2014 11:28 AM

It seems like WW are worse to you because that is your experience. I can assure you that gender has nothing to do with how wonderful or crappy a partner can be.

JanaGreen posted 1/30/2014 11:28 AM

Other than being hooked on the affair partner, because there was not really an affair, just a series of shitty behavior, you just described my H for the majority of the year 2012.

karmahappens posted 1/30/2014 11:32 AM

Wow

I have seen so many men act like total assholes and I have seen women do the same.

People are people.

I know we have different chromosomes, but so far I don't think asshole is one of them.

Equal opportunity.

lordhasaplan? posted 1/30/2014 11:37 AM

Asshattery is not a gender specific affliction.

somanyyears posted 1/30/2014 11:39 AM

..

..

I know we have different chromosomes, but so far I don't think asshole is one of them.

..smy

JanaGreen posted 1/30/2014 11:41 AM

Asshattery is not a gender specific affliction.

FTW

overandone posted 1/30/2014 11:44 AM

OW was an unbelievable bitch to her BH. She was away working when she got wind I'd found out about the LTA (finished by my H nearly a year before). First thing she said to her H was 'I'm entitled to half the house and half your mother's money' - his inheritance. Followed soon afterwards with 'grow up and get over it'. Lovely, eh?

No guilt throughout affair, it would still be ongoing if she had anything to do with it. No remorse for her H's pain, all his fault of course. A pathetic effort to cover her back via a short e-mail to me saying 'never meant for this to happen'. Rude reply from me, saying amongst other things she was a lying bitch, what she meant was she never meant for it to get out. It was an incredibly insulting e-mail to receive, it would have been better if she'd never said anything. Still remember more and more occasions over the years when she'd been rude to me, made snide inexplicable comments to me, weird behaviour, chasing my H in front of me and her H (wonderful thing hindsight).

When I asked for D at low point in our marriage (no clue then and H had stopped affair but things bad between us),which I later rescinded, she couldn't wait to jump in and ask why my H and her couldn't live together. H said no, didn't want to, and wouldn't do that to her H (!!??) She would happily have gone off with my H without giving a thought of the effect on hers. Took 5 phone calls/meetings to get it through her thick skull that it was over.

My H didn't get off lightly. I ranted and raved for months and still do occasionally. Difference is he takes all responsibility for the A, is disgusted and ashamed of himself, and has been beside himself with sorrow at the effects it's had on me and OW's husband. Even offered to go and see him to 'let him get it out of his system'-which I stopped him doing, as OW's H was in such a mentally bad state I think he could have killed my H, certainly done H some serious damage.

So in our case, yes the WW was definitely worse than the WH, but I certainly wouldn't generalise from this.

chetristezza posted 1/30/2014 11:45 AM

I think it depends on what you mean by "worst". If you mean that women are more prone to have left before they actually left, perhaps you're right. I believe that some women can connect emotionally differently than men so when some disconnect, it would be different as well.

From my experience only, what I have observed is some men can "side car" a relationship fairly effectively while still having a sizable wager on the main relationship. The same hasn't been true for most of the women I've seen, again my observation only. They seem to have detached completely as they ported their energies and focus over.

Sometimes that's fatal, other times not. I'm sure if you're on the receiving end of that it seems worse than if you have observed men you know not responding that way.

You may be focusing on the wrong thing, though. After a nuclear attack how the survivors respond is all kind of academic really, right? Still have the nuclear winter and the radiation poisoning. That's pretty universal for both sexes, I'd think.

It's a hell of a fallout, for sure

TattoodChinaDoll posted 1/30/2014 11:52 AM

Look at my dday. Look at what year it is. I've finally given up on ever receiving empathy, love, support, or consistency. OW was shown how much he was willing to risk losing for her in that split second decision to cross the line. I have to fight to be treated nicely. I have to fight to be listened to...not that I am. It's not a male or female thing.

cl131716 posted 1/30/2014 11:57 AM

My guess is because women are generally more emotionally connected to the AP? I think that would make it more difficult to defog from because there are actual emotions involved, it's not "just sex". I'm generalizing here, I know that is not always the case.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 1/30/2014 12:02 PM

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 12:04 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]

steadfast1973 posted 1/30/2014 12:07 PM

it only seems that way, because what my husband did to me, has no bearing on how you feel.

Trust me, he was plenty attached to his EAP. And plenty cruel while he was ignoring me for porn. (yeah, some fake shit on his computer was more important to him than I was). He was plenty foggy, when he told me he needed more attention and that I "made him sick to his stomach".

Plenty disrespectful when he chose to pay for sex, instead of making love with me. Pretty vindictive to use my paycheck to do so. More than his share of mind games with trickle truth and blame shifting, gas lighting, etc.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 1/30/2014 12:10 PM

I'm a woman, but I have been surprised at the "intensity and extremes" that women ws's go to. I know men ws's have their thing, but women's emotions seem to take them into a different layer of ???

Just an observation.

LostSamurai posted 1/30/2014 12:10 PM

Sorry if I seem to be attacking anyone or women in general but Man.

WW get so emotionally attached and then BMen have to found their emotional compass and get it back from spinning all over the place, seeing now all of us are good dealing with our emotions.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 1/30/2014 12:16 PM

This

yeah, some fake shit on his computer was more important to him than I was

This.

and that I "made him sick to his stomach.".

and this

Pretty vindictive to use my paycheck to do so

are so over the top. Cruel.

God.

ReunitePangea posted 1/30/2014 12:24 PM

......or is this just a particular to my WW.

I think your observations are particular to your WW. There are many myths about infidility that we don't understand until we are forced to deal with it.

In my particular case, my WW......did not complain about the M, did not talk me down, was not that emotionally attached to OM even though it was a 12+ year LTA, the physical sex part was an important part for her, compartamentalized it so much that is was just an on the side thing for her, thought that are M was good even during A, detached quickly from OM after DDay.......I could go on and on but many of the things my WW has done some more typical of what infidelity myths would tell you a WH would do.

Now does that make it worse or better??? I don't think there is much point in comparing, your own situation is what matters most. If you try to focus too much on the myths you will not be as observant as you should.

RealityStinks posted 1/30/2014 12:34 PM

Man, I understand where you're coming from. My WW is EXACTLY what you described. But, I think it seems worse to you because you're a man. Women will probably think differently. It's a shit sandwich either way you slice it.

I'll go out on a limb here and say that A's are more emotional for women than they are for men. It seems women like the emotional side of A's while men are after the physical side. As such, when emotions get involved, it screws with the head on your shoulders more than the one in your pants. Maybe that's why it seems WW tend to be more "foggy". I don't know. Just speculating.

Decimated posted 1/30/2014 12:43 PM

They seem to complain, about the attention or the lack of listening and trust, and then boom they are out getting all types of nasty on. Then they talk down to their man, and make them feel inferior about everything. Then they act like they don't know if they want to recover the marriage...or is this just a particular to my WW.

Can things really be that bad for a WW that they decide, to give up on the M, their family, their children, their God?

I don’t know if WW's are worse than WH's but my XWW was absolutely disgusting except she never complained about our marriage before her affair.

In fact, she was very reassuring to me about how much she loved me and how lucky and happy she was. After a couple D days, she became an evil, lying, nasty bitch with a mean streak of arrogance. To her, I was suddenly at fault for everything. She treated me as if I was the one who cheated on her. She would justify everything she was doing with a crazy warped and twisted thought process. She re-wrote our entire marriage in her mind to justify what she was doing. Her memories of our years together were now unrecognizable to me. At the time, my mind couldn't even comprehend her selfish entitled attitude, behavior, and lack of empathy. She acted like a teenager rebelling against her parents…and I was her parent. She took advantage of my forgiving nature and strung me along for years, giving me just enough to keep me from filing for D. She would shut down or become defensive every time I needed to talk or ask her questions about her affair…Stonewalling. Everything I found out was from digging, snooping or from OM’s wife. One day I had had enough. I tried to talk to her and get some of my questions answered and as if on cue, she became defensive. She finally said the words I had become so sick of hearing “I don’t know what I want”. I opened the drawer to my desk and pulled out the D papers, and dropped them on her lap and said, “I done with you”.

She had put in no effort to R and acted as if she was doing me a favor by staying. She would sit around crying about the loss of her married, cheating OM and was still secretly trying to contact him as well. The fog lasted for years and even 1 year post D, she is still seems to be in it. She tried to contact her XOM three weeks after our D was final and guess what…he dumped her. She seems to have placed a real high emotional significance to her OM and their affair. I seems like…if she couldn't have him, she didn't want me either.

Her affair totally messed up her mind. She is not even close to being the same person as she was Pre-A. She stopped going to church as well and everyone around her, our children included, became secondary to her needs. Since the D, I am told she doesn't sleep anymore. She has been taking so many prescription sleep aids that they are no longer effective. I think this is all permanent…the new normal for her.

Women, in general, from what I've seen and read, seem to place a much higher emotional significance to affairs and because of that, the effects are much deeper and last longer. For men it is usually more physical.

[This message edited by Decimated at 12:47 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]