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He wont propose because I dont view health as importance as he

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5454real posted 4/19/2013 12:14 PM

Jumping in late.

Run, not walk away from this guy. I've only read the first and last page of this, and quite honestly, there is nothing in the middle that could justify trying to fix things with this guy.

Just from those two pages, I'm reading NPD/emotional abuser.

Just run. Continued contact with this jackalope is dangerous to your mental health.


StillGoing posted 4/19/2013 12:21 PM

I'm sorry if this is a 2x4 but why are you looking at old emails from this guy and not blocking his texts or just deleting them unread? The door is still cracked there, shut it somehow.

suspicious247 posted 4/19/2013 13:20 PM

I have no idea what I'm looking at old emails for. I really can't say. I can speculate that I'm still in some state of shock. And Maybe still reviewing the damage. I'm not putting that articulately I'm sure

annb posted 4/19/2013 13:37 PM

Hi, chiming in here late as well.

You have gotten some great advice, I think you know what you have to do....let this man go. There is no way you will be able to move forward until that door is shut tight, sealed, and on lockdown.


Mousse242 posted 4/19/2013 17:26 PM

Block his number from your phone. Period. Get yourself off this crazy train.

suspicious247 posted 4/20/2013 07:18 AM

Today is my 3 yr dday anniversary :(

This should empower me, not make me sad

windowsnotwalls posted 4/20/2013 07:23 AM

Today is my 3 yr dday anniversary :(
This should empower me, not make me sad


Hugs to you on your painful reminder day. Perhaps it's both empowering and saddening?

Either way, I know I struggle with the feelings all coming back like it has just happened on memorial days. Be kind to yourself today. Do something special for yourself. Try to reclaim this day so that next year you can say, April 20th was the day I __________ for myself. So, strength to you today. You're doing great.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:23 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

suspicious247 posted 4/20/2013 08:18 AM

Thank you Windows. What a wonderful idea. I will make it my goal to make new memories today....

I expect to hear from him today. He's painfully aware of this day. I remember this day more than I remember the day we met, or our first date, first ILY's, everything.

He will probably surmise that all of this was bc of this day and once it's over I will come crawling back.

circe posted 4/20/2013 10:39 AM

I have no idea what I'm looking at old emails for. I really can't say. I can speculate that I'm still in some state of shock. And Maybe still reviewing the damage.

I get this, I really do. I used to reread my journal and my emails to my friends over and over to recall the anger, work through the feelings, remind myself why I left if I was ever getting nostalgic or wonder if I made a mistake, let the facts truly sink in, in a way they couldn't when I was in the middle of the emotional storm. It's a way to work through things emotionally. And I think to a certain extent - and at certain times - it's healthy.

I think there are a few dangers though. One is that you might find yourself rereading a passage from an old argument and get so worked up, or find some obvious flaw in his logic, or a lie that was exposed later, and in the heat of the discovery you're tempted to break NC to show him evidence of how wrong he is. That would be disastrous. So please, please guard against any moments of weakness or anger. Maybe go through the old emails during IC, or with a caring friend. Not alone, and never while drinking or vulnerable!!

Another con is that you're trying to heal, and there's a fine line between processing your emotions by looking through the evidence and re-traumatizing yourself. I think maybe giving them a reread and then putting them away for several months might be helpful? Maybe your IC can advise you about that since she knows you IRL and I can only go by my own experience, which might not match yours. But I think of it like the recent marathon bombings, or destructive hurricanes - you watch the footage to convince yourself it's real, absorb that it really happened, inform yourself... and then you turn off the news because from that point forward it's just repeating the trauma. There are still beautiful things in the world, and if your world becomes the ugliness you might miss all of the love and happiness that is still out there.

I love the idea of you doing something wonderful for yourself today. I hope you do! You really deserve it!

circe posted 4/20/2013 10:43 AM

He will probably surmise that all of this was bc of this day and once it's over I will come crawling back.

Another of the many benefits of living a healthier and happier life now? You no longer have to anticipate how he will feel, what he might think, how he might twist things or what he might expect from you. No more! It's no longer important because you're no longer subject to it. This is an awesome, liberating thing!!

suspicious247 posted 4/20/2013 13:09 PM

So im like incapacitated. It's 2 pm my time and I have not left the house. I'm frozen. I'm crying as I type this. What in the world is the matter with me? My roomates parents are in town and staying with us and I've been holed up in my room since 7 last night. What in the world. This hurt is nothing new I don't know why it's so hard today. I'm like playing victim here and I'm annoying the hell out of myself. Ughhhh

suspicious247 posted 4/20/2013 13:15 PM

I have read this thread in its entirety twice today. And some posts even 3 or 4 times....

Circe I think you predicted this in your previous post. I'm reliving trauma and can't stop. I don't know why

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 1:21 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 4/20/2013 16:24 PM

Hi Susp.,

Since today is tough for you, and you have reread this thread twice, do you think it might be helpful to post a list of all of the things you have learned from this experience. In other words, put it out there for everyone to see.

1. My xWbF was more abusive than I ever realized

2. I realize that he turned things around in ways that were manipulative.

3. Etc.

It's a thought. I did something similar for myself, and it has proven helpful for me to reread occasionally. --much healthier than for me than rereading anything my xWW ever wrote.

You're doing really well, even though the last 24 hours have been very hard. Obviously this anniversary of your DDay is bringing up many bad feelings, many of which you probably don't want to relive right it creates this "stuck" or immobilized state. Understandable.

Best to you.


suspicious247 posted 4/20/2013 22:36 PM

So i went shopping today. i bought 3 purses and 4 pairs of shoes. then i went to friends house.

[This message edited by suspicious247 at 8:30 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

suspicious247 posted 4/20/2013 22:40 PM

Forgive me for having such a dramatic moment. I'm getting on my own nerves

Kalliopeia posted 4/20/2013 22:53 PM

maybe you could come over to the "I can relate" forum section and post on the narcissistic relationship (NPD) thread. Your story sounds similar to many of ours over there. the abuse an NPD can hand out is very very damaging.

alphakitte posted 4/21/2013 08:35 AM

Suspicious, I lived with a man like this for 17 years, and 48 years later, I still love him. He is my father. He only got worse, over time. It was so bad for his wife that she chose not to treat cancer, but to die from it in order to be free. She was my mother!

Dear, please, you don't need to know anymore about this man, or why he is so horribly broken. You must take every step to guard your heart from any weak moments and any consideration of talking to or communicating with this man about anything!

Count any of your belongings in his possession as gone, including your roomates mattress. Block him in all forms of communication!

It is so very telling that even after all your pleas he has disrespected EVERY ONE of them! Make note that he considers therapy for the two of you, but isn't in therapy for himself. He considers your togetherness as broken enough to require therapy help, but not himself? So telling that he thinks you are the broken part of the togetherness, and not him.

in closing, I've had to learn to erect and maintain EXTREME boundaries in order to deal with my father's manipulations! That's no life for a lover and spouse as my mother's choice of dying was less painful than living with father.

ugh! posted 4/26/2013 13:38 PM


I have been following your thread but haven't commented - I wanted to check in on you - how are you doing?

suspicious247 posted 5/2/2013 07:31 AM

Hi everyone. Just wanted to post an update. Things had been pretty uneventful with the x. Sent another text about how we owe each other counseling after all the years we've spent. Then yesterday was his birthday. As I had been planning for a while, I did not wish him one. This morning I get two texts from him one saying "thank you" then one about an hour later saying

"The one person I was most looking forward to hearing from on my birthday, didn't reach out. Not even a simple happy bday. Unless the fake facetime from the night before was supposed to be my head nod acknowledgment in some weird way. I must be a horrible person and didn't deserve it. How fitting"

Guys I won't say I've been in a good place. I've been sad and grieving. I feel like a mean person even though I know I'm trying to do the right thing by keeping my distance. As time goes by I feel my heart getting softer. But my brain knows this is not a healthy situation for me. It's hard rectifying the heart and the brain....

StillGoing posted 5/2/2013 07:36 AM

He sounds like a whiny, entitled prick there. He isn't a man, he's a boy stomping his foot because he isn't getting what he wants. So he shits all over you once more in a text knowing it will hurt you.

Sorry you are hurting. I really think you should find a way to block him. It just peels the scab a bit every time you read that stuff.

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