SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Everyone thinks he hung the moon and I'm the one who needs help

BTDT and *still* living it.

what is btdt?

Been there, done that....

suspicious, listen to your gut. In the emails you wrote you were reaching out to him, and he simply never answered you. It's not about you. You didn't do this to him, you didn't make him do anything.

I was simply asking you to understand me and why I am the way I am.

Honey you DO understand him. You just don't like what you understand him to BE.

And the following? Is chilling. Have you ever seen "sleeping with the enemy"? Holy shit!

Saying that “oh my boyfriend and I got in a huge screaming match because I spilled water on my stove” is a total misrepresentation of the truth and you know it. I said you “should have listened to me”, very similar to “I told you so” and this wouldn’t have happened. You took offense to that, saying that I was belittling you for it when all I did was speak the truth. You got offended because you took it to mean me saying you’re not a good cook, or won’t be a good mother, or you’re messy and sloppy, or whatever else. I simply wanted recognition and acknowledgement that when I said the water was boiling over and you shouldn’t let that happen or should find a way to clean it or whatever, it was the right thing to do because look at what it led to. The entire apt smelling like garbage for days. Instead of getting worked up about it and reading into what I was saying, a simple you were right would have sufficed.

He is so defensive about your very accurate feelings that he was being abusive, he just couldn't let it go! He resorted to outright manipulation: told you that you were exaggerating, misrepresenting, dead wrong, projecting problems from your family on him, being hurtful.. omg,

according to him you are responsible for all the issues in the relationship, period.

And wasn't he unfaithful, on top of all this?

Your SO didn't give your feelings even a milisecond of play, except to belittle them. That's not love. That IS abuse. His response to your hurt about his abusive behavior was itself abusive.

When you become enmeshed with people like this, getting away is much harder than just a normal breakup. I had someone like this in my past and when I see someone getting treated with the same type of abuse patterns, I STILL see red, decades later!

You have the strength to woman-up and say exactly how you feel. Exactly what you need to say to finally let your gut mesh with your mind and your life. Tell him you don't want to marry him. You don't want to date him. You can't fix him, and any explanation you give him will only be a thread he pulls to reel you back in, make you feel like crap about yourself and manipulate. Were I you, I'd leave it as two simple sentences and, if you'd like, a request for him to leave you alone now.

((((hugs))))

BTDT - Been There, Done That

S,

It doesn't matter how good looking he is, how much money he makes, or how everyone else things the sun shines out of his ass.

The fact it, even if you agreed with him on everything right this very minute, he would find another reason not to propose.

Honey, he's just not that into you. He doesn't want to marry you. 4 years into the relationship and no proposal? If he hasn't done it by now he isn't going to. And then throw in the cheating on top of it?

All of his excuses are just excuses because he doesn't want to admit to himself that he's an asshole. If he can give you a "reason" and better yet if it can be a reason that is about something you are or are not doing ... then he's not really the bad guy.

This is all about manipulation of opinions.

But it all boils down to the same thing. He has not proposed to you because he doesn't want to.

I could point out what I see in all of this, but I'll take the easy route.

I'll point out what I don't see.

I don't see a man who loves you. I don't see a man who is willing to fight for you. I don't see a man who is willing to admit when he's wrong.

I don't see a man- just a spoiled little boy who believes the world should go his way.

All those people who think you have a problem? Their values are messed up. There's more to life and love than looks and money. Find some friends that understand that and can support you in being you, not an extension of him (or some other 'catch').

If you guys only knew him! He's wealthy attractive extremely likable.

Well we've read massive chunks of his writing and thoughts about himself, so at this point we've got a pretty good picture of raw HIM.

And he's unlikeable.

He's unattractive on the inside.

If he can put on a pretty, smiling face for others, sure it might make him attractive as long as that's all you ever saw of him.

But you've seen inside him, and that's the person you marry, when all is said and done - the inside person. That's where he fails completely.

I have a hard time believing others don't see glimpses into his dysfunction. They just aren't affected by it so can dismiss it and focus on the parts they can enjoy.

People cherry pick all the time and with no problems. When you aren't close to someone they don't have the same impact.

My mother was a monster. Seriously. She was a psychopathic malignant narcissist. She had 250 people at her funeral.

Many would mention her little "quirks" and "idiosyncrasies" . Very few saw the true horror and even fewer what she was completely capable of. My body is a literal road map of those wonderful times. Scars. Cigarette burns. Lumps even 30 some odd years later and those are just the visable ones.

Point is, these people don't look like they should. The look "human". They're not. Your "arguing" with someone that has an endless supply of military grade weapons and the ability to use them with laser precision. He's not hampered or constrained by the inconvenient things like conscience, empathy, compassion, care.

You fight by putting as much distance between him and yourself. You don't respond because he's reloading and using you words to home into your location. You go dark and run. Otherwise I hope your affairs are in order. I'm dead serious. "People" like this will kill you. Emotionally or physically. For some whatever is easier and more fun.

Please. Don't be a statistic.

I read your emails, you aren't even married yet and you both agree you can't communicate. What, exactly, will change if you DO get married? Practically each line he writes is dismissive of you and your feelings, and all about him.

IMHO, I think you should take his OWN advice and

"If you think I act abusive, or that you’re scared of me then please, please, please let’s go our separate ways."

Then again, later in the email,

"If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, please leave."

Yes, please leave.

You don't need his permission (but it seems you do sorta have it in these emails) you just need to trust your gut, as someone already said.

Big Hugs,

-JD

Yes I should have taken his advice. I sent a text saying I don't want to marry him and to stop contacting me. I think he will stay away

You've spent 4 years teaching him how to appear human, normal, caring. He is now going to use that to make sure you don't leave him. His ego couldn't handle it. It will end up your fault for not changing, accepting or rug-sweeping.

He is successful and attractive on the outside. I've lived it. I'm trying to leave it. I understand how hard it is when you've invested so much. How everyone thinks you are a fool to walk away. In my case I have to choose preserving my pride and walking with what little self esteem I can carry with me.

that he wants you to be more healthy, when you already are, shows that he doesn't even see you the way you are.

that is NO WAY to start a permanent relationship.

You. Deserve. BETTER.

A comment on not wanting anyone else right now: that's ok. It will come and it does not mean you have no chance of a baby one day. Hang in there! Time to do what's right for you, now.

--BR

He's a tool. Move on.

(((sus247))) Please take the advise of all these wise people who have BTDT. I read through your whole post. I just don't believe love had to be as hard as this. In your first post you referred to his " small asinine lies, nothing to break up over" This man is a liar, believe me you do not want to marry a liar, it is soul destroying. Stay strong and keep NC. You are young and beautiful and deserve so much more than this person can offer. FR

Those that envied you never have lived with him. Never were in a relationship with him. Let them think that he can hang the moon, and the sun and stars too for that matter. You know differently. Let them deal with his cheating, blameshifting and not taking accountability for his actions. It's easy to have people think the best of you if you do not spend time with them and have nothing more than a superficial relationship with them. Who cares. You know the real him, the true him. And I'm sure there are ex's of his that will agree with you as to his real character.

Disengage, separate belongings and discontinue all contact.

If you guys only knew him! He's wealthy attractive extremely likable.

So was the guy from American Psycho.

I know this will be the hardest time for you, trying to maintain NC.

I want you to know I'm thinking of you and that I can tell by your emails and comments that you are an amazing, strong woman who has an exciting, fulfilling, and PEACEFUL future ahead of her. Hugs and strength.

So he responded to my text saying i dont want to marry him and to not contact me anymore. It says

This all boils down to:

1. You dont trust me

2. you resent me

3. we have poor communication

4. theres no compromise on things

5. youve given up on trying to make me happy since you feel i have done the same

6. we dont have each other's back as a team/partner/future spouse should.

7. there is limited mutual respect for whatever reason (combination of all factors listed above)

8. Loss of best friend status due to resentment

9. non existent(sp) ntimate relationship (see all above reasons)

10. we cant get along even because of items above

You're saying that marriage is going to fix these problems. Do you really believe that? Do you think that if we got engaged tomorrow you would never check my email, track my whereabouts through apple, try to catch me in some sort of lie, quit resenting me for the past? All of a suden you will respect me, wont resent me. would want to makeme happy again and be my best friend? because if that is the answer , i really want to know."

WTF

I should just ignore it? Or tell him yes he's right things are doomed. Or Is this bait? Am I losing my mind?

Yes to all of the above?

Yep, that's how much he respects your request not to be contacted and that's how much he listened to your statement that you do not want to marry him.

Don't respond.

Remember how everyone said that if you give him info, he'll use it to argue, manipulate and make you feel like crap. Don't fall for it, honey. Cut the line and do your grieving so you can move on to infinitely better relationships.

eta. YES it's bait. He's still insulting you and rewriting your words, hoping you'll defend yourself. PLEASE don't respond.

You've just ended on a strong note that you can be proud of.

[This message edited by circe at 3:30 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]