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"After the Affair" by Janis Spring

tessthemess posted 2/25/2017 09:51 AM

My fwh was loaned it by his IC. He hasn't begun reading it yet (just got it yesterday).

Opinions?

Unhinged posted 2/26/2017 08:54 AM

Excellent book!!!

annb posted 2/26/2017 16:51 PM

Start reading it yourself.

IMO it places some of the blame on the betrayed.

I read several chapters and then dumped it.

The best book for your WH would be How to Help your Spouse Heal from an affair.

theakronborg posted 2/26/2017 20:14 PM

Our MC recommended it as well. At her suggestion we bought 2 copies. We read sections on our own and set aside time to discuss. We read it right after dday and it really helped us to find a way to talk to each other. I was pleased that so much of it was useful even though WH didn't have an affair, but has used prostitutes throughout our marriage.
I also go back and reread it quite often.
Definitely recommend both of you reading it.

Eta: I didn't find it blamed the betrayed but it did ask both people to look at the patterns in their relationship to see where changes could be made going forward. I thought she was pretty clear that nothing the betrayed did justified cheating. But then g that wasn't an issue for us so maybe I didn't pick up on it. If anything, our issue was that WH had no idea that we had marriage problems -Reading the book I kept thinking I could relate to the WS point of view!! But of course I didn't cheat because NOTHING justifies cheating!!

[This message edited by theakronborg at 8:21 PM, February 26th (Sunday)]

tessthemess posted 2/27/2017 00:46 AM

Annb- my Fwh has read How to Help, he is actually rereading it right now to see if the jot notes he originally put in still stand up or whether he was still foggy. I'm 1/3 into After the Affair now, I'm actually liking it so far. First chapter I think will be useful.

cantaccept posted 2/27/2017 08:55 AM

I like this author very much. It was the first time I came across the subject of personality disorders. That was enlightening!

Her other book, How Can I Forgive You?, was very helpful for me. It gave me a perspective on forgiveness that I could live with.

GuyInPain posted 2/27/2017 09:32 AM

As a BS I'm currently reading this book & have found it to be excellent. Extremely insightful & helpful. I wish I could persuade my fWW to read it, but she regards SurvivingInfidelity.com & reading this book as a crutch on my part & refuses to go online & or read in order to get more insight into her behavior. Basically she is so ashamed that she doesn't want to dwell on her adultery, which is what she thinks reading would be. I still hope to persuade her otherwise. But 'After the Affair' is a lifeline.

tessthemess posted 3/23/2017 13:33 PM

After reading it all I can attest that it was fantastic, especially for recovering codependents like myself!

Unhinged posted 4/3/2017 20:17 PM

Read her next one, about forgiveness. It's equally awesome.

Itsanewday posted 4/18/2017 10:42 AM

Excellent book and now reading How Can I forgive You? Also excellent.

DarkHoleHeart posted 6/15/2017 05:11 AM

Finished this book. It's the only good one about infidelity I found translated to my native language (my WW doesn't read English). My WW is currently reading it but haven't found "anything new" in first two (?) chapters (I guess, most of it I told her myself, and chapter about what causes affairs was not concentrating on thrill/fun driven affairs).

The author does place some blame on BS. There are multiple occurrences stating that "Bob had an A because Alice was doing/not doing this and that" (it is also possible that it was lost in translation and author didn't really use such exact wording)
So, before WW started reading it, I said that I completely reject any responsibility for her affair (she doesn't try to blameshift anymore, said that what she found/was looking for in affair was not what was missing in our M).

Chapter about internet-based infidelity is quite strange, I don't know what to think about it, really. It looks like author does not consider e.g. participating in porn chat rooms and masturbating to it infidelity.

Overall impression is good, I would recommend it.
But NOT Just Friends is probably better.

moralhighground posted 6/16/2017 18:03 PM

MC recommended this to us, too. To be honest, I was way way way too raw to handle the first few chapters at that time. I agree that it regularly points out all the things BS should have been doing to prevent the affair, and it comes across as pretty blamey without expressly SAYING it was the BS's fault. It definitely made me uncomfortable, which is NOT to say that it didn't contain any good information, but it definitely made me anxious when it suggested that interacting sexually with people online was not necessarily infidelity. I agree that everyone sets the boundaries in their own relationship, but this is DEFINITELY something to check with your spouse before you do it because I'm gonna go out on a limb and say 99% of them are gonna feel that's cheating, myself AND my WH included.

tessthemess posted 6/20/2017 12:15 PM

Well, WH just began to read it! Ha, only took six months.

BlueIris posted 6/26/2017 21:48 PM

I didn't like it - didn't even donate it, just threw it in the trash. IMO, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was much, much better.

I second the recommendation for HTHYSHFYA, but it was NJF that we read initially and which really 'woke up' my H to what he'd done and what lay ahead for us both.

throwawayabay posted 7/18/2017 21:06 PM

Would this book be helpful for BSs who are not reconciling, and instead just trying to move forward and heal?

limitedenergy posted 9/19/2017 15:09 PM

I found this to be a good book with practical advice. I didn't get the impression that cheating could be the BS' fault, like some of you did. Maybe I read it differently. I think the author was trying to help the BS acknowledge their own behaviors that may have made the marriage less desirable for one or both. I don't think that is the same thing as blaming the BS or causing the A.

I can acknowledge that in my own M I had a lot of resentment towards my H that built up over years. We talked about it in our last MC session. It was like a cycle. He would be irresponsible (drinking, spending $), then I would feel resentment, he would interpret that as me not loving him, then he would be even less responsible, and on and on...

One thing I didn't like about this book was that the chapters are really long. I get interrupted a lot while reading, so long chapters make the content difficult to process.

cantaccept posted 9/20/2017 20:32 PM

I found "How Can I Forgive You" by this author much more helpful. The only chapter in After the Affair, that was extremely brief and relevant to me was about personality disorders.

Her definition of forgiveness in the book really helped me to not expect too much of myself.

Hephaestus2 posted 9/25/2017 17:25 PM

After the Affair is my favorite book about dealing with infidelity.

The book is very clearly written and well organized. It is thorough and even handed. A self help book should be insightful and compassionate and it is.

Sadly, the impetus for Dr. Spring to write After the Affair was the discovery of her husband's affair with their baby sitter. At the time, there were very few books that dealt with infidelity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yvAEKyiLos&t=370s

If someone could cheat on a person as intelligent, insightful, and compassionate as Janis Abrahms Spring, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Lily12 posted 10/2/2017 13:00 PM

I have been reading this book. I found it quite useful in understanding how I, as the BS, contributed to our relationship issues. I am by no means saying that I caused the affair because I did not do that and have no responsibility in his actions to engage in an EA. I have, however, been able to own the fact that I was not meeting my partners needs.

That being said, this book also helped me understand my WH's feelings. Again, I don't condone anything he did and I'm still quite hurt and angry with him. I also am better able to understand why he seems to be confused about his actions. I have asked him to read it to see if he can gain some clarity on his own internal struggles that led to the A.

[This message edited by Lily12 at 1:01 PM, October 2nd (Monday)]

GrowthMindset posted 12/30/2017 19:52 PM

Both of her books were recommended to me yesterday by MC. Glad to hear that it has good reviews here.

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