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Hindsight

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YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 01:35 AM

Hindsight. Hindsight tells me that I should have piqued my interest when she said, nonchalantly, “I think I want to take Spanish lessons.” This announcement came on the heals of weeks and weeks of dancing classes; Salsa, Flamenco and of course the late nights that go along with them. The same dance lessons, that she would go twice weekly to, getting herself all dolled up, make-up, sexy clothes and heels, a new wardrobe that I funded. I remember saying once (and thinking more than once), you haven’t put this type of effort in for me in a long time. She laughed it off saying if I wanted her to dress up, then I would have to take her somewhere. This is the same woman that used to put make-up on to go to bed and a far cry from the comfy clothes and no make-up I got everyday. I reminded her that she got to go on numerous vacations with me, and never once looked like she does for these dance lessons.

Honestly, I never even questioned anything. Even when she came to me months later and said that the girls were planning a trip to Spain and would it be Ok if she went. It seemed like a nature progression and I trusted her, so why not.
16 years of marriage and I never had to question myself over any of her decisions, or where she was going, what she was doing and whom she was doing these things with, because I trusted her.
I would be lying if I said that I never had fleeting moments where I questioned what was going on but I was happy that she had something, anything to do with herself and the “friends” that she was meeting, and I trusted her.

D-Day for me and me alone, came when she was getting out of the shower over 4 months ago. She asked me to look up something for her on my phone, but my phone was dead so I headed downstairs to use her computer. She asked where I was going and I told her I was going to use her computer because my phone was dead, and as I was half way down the stairs and she screamed “No” and came flying down the hall and stairs to beat me to her computer. She told me that I couldn’t see her computer because she was looking for an extra special birthday present for me a didn’t want me to see. I knew something was up but I played along like I didn’t….but I knew it then and there.

I hate to admit it but, I googled “Steps to take when you suspect your wife is cheating” and found a bunch of useless information. Most of them were about feelings, coming to grips with your feelings and confronting your spouse with your suspicions…seriously what good is confronting your spouse when you only have suspicions and you have already been lied to on a daily basis? I decided that I need to gather evidence. I bought a digital voice recorder, I downloaded the car’s GPS locations for the past 6 months, I installed text recovery for her phone and key logger for her computer. I was not ready for what these things told me.

The GPS told me that there was one location she was visiting on Tuesday and Thursday nights and some daytime hours as well (when she was supposed to be volunteering). The VR I slipped into her purse before her Spanish lesson told me that I didn’t need an interpreter to understand what was being said. The text recovery for her phone told me she had more things to say to him in the last 8 months than she has said to me.

I literally had no idea it was going on to this extent. The planning, the intimate conversations, the professing of love. All I can think about is her being with him, having this level of intimacy and then coming home to me and acting like the loving wife.

In one conversation, she mentioned that I had changed recently and that she suspected that I was catching on. He calmed her down and told her that they were being careful and she should not worry to much. They continued with the plans for a Spanish holiday using the bank of me.

She goes on her trip soon. You should hear the lies, we are all going her to see this and we are all planning on having dinner here and we are going to spend one day and night in this little village (his hometown), and all the while thinking that she is putting something over on me.

So now I am wondering what to do? I have this urge to go full revenge mode on her and cancel credit cards before she lands and text her that I know everything, but I am worried how it will reflect on me during divorce proceedings?

My attorney says I should confront and try an amicable dissolution but I want a bit of shock and awe. I mean I had to endure it so why shouldn’t she?

Just for clarity,reconciliation is out of the question, I am not interested in lowering my self-respect. To those that have been through this, how merciless can you be without having it affect you in court? What should I do? Confront now and manage the fallout?

OrdinaryDude posted 5/4/2017 01:55 AM

Hey brother, welcome to the club that nobody wants to be in, sorry you're here.

You definitely have a different situation on your hands, and you seem set on D, which is fine if that's what you want.

I'm not sure what I would do...I would want to wait until she is on the plane to text her that I know everything, and that the marriage is over...and then cancel all credit and debit cards, phone plan too, just to let her swing in the wind while trying to figure out how to get home from Spain.

However, I would also want to keep her from spending any money on the trip at all, and use that for the lawyer.

Basically, you need a lawyer ASAP, and start to separate yourself from her, emotionally and financially.

Get new bank accounts at a different bank, put a freeze on your credit to stop any new debt.

Also, read The Tactical Primer... http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Eat, sleep, stay sober.

YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 02:08 AM

thanks OrdinaryDude. I have a lawyer and I also "poisoned the well" and had consultations with other top lawyers in my area.

She is telling me to tell her what I now, and get it over with, which seems anti-climatic.

I have fantasies about cutting her off or sending a car to pick them up from the airport after they get back and instead of coming home, dropping her off at his shithole apartment.

I guess I want her to suffer as I have. It has been tough play acting like nothing is wrong.

Adlham posted 5/4/2017 02:18 AM

Honestly, I would cancel her ticket.
Separate your finances first though.
I certainly wouldn't wait for her to leave for the airport and her trip. I would rather eat the cost of the ticket.
But I have a very short fuse and little tolerance.
It's good that you have been talking with an attorney.
I'm very sorry that you find yourself here.

OrdinaryDude posted 5/4/2017 02:18 AM

Do you know the OM?

If so, is he married? Have a girlfriend? Etc ?

If he is married or in a relationship, try to find a way to contact his spouse and let them know what you know.

Since she suspects, and you are fairly certain there will be no R, I would have your lawyer file D papers and have her served before the trip...don't let her run off and enjoy it on your dime.

GoldenR posted 5/4/2017 03:09 AM

I like your plan. A lot. Go for it.

NoMercy posted 5/4/2017 03:49 AM

About the LAST thing I'd do is fund her little European holiday with her scuzzy boyfriend.

And what kind of bottom feeders are these two that they think it's OK to use YOUR money for their secret vacation? This guy is SUCH a loser - how low down on the food chain must he BE if he needs his 'girlfriend's' husband to pay his way around Spain?

That's actually gag-worthy.

Yeah, I'd definitely freeze all further activity on the credit cards (you know, because it's your new budgeting strategy to save for retirement..lol) the day she leaves for her little get-away. I'd also temporarily 'drain' the bank account (just withdraw most of the money and hide it in your house for a few days), so her debit card becomes worthless, as well. It can always be re-deposited at a later date.

Once you're protected, I'd text her when she lands letting her know you know exactly what she's up to and have already been to a lawyer.

Not only will that ruin their lovefest (there's nothing like a bucket of ice cold water thrown on you), but when they discover they don't have the money to stay at their hotel or to even eat, it will be up to Casanova to find a way to foot the bill.

I'll bet you'd love to be a fly on the wall to watch this blow up in their faces. I know I would.

I don't think cutting off the funding for her affair holiday would affect your divorce proceedings at all. What's she going to do - tell the judge you unfairly cut off her credit cards so she and her illicit boyfriend couldn't go souvenir shopping in Spain?

I love the scorched earth approach.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/4/2017 03:54 AM

and then cancel all credit and debit cards, phone plan too, just to let her swing in the wind while trying to figure out how to get home from Spain.

I absolutely love this.

Better yet, cancel the ticket, cancel the credit card, and her phone, and drop her at the airport as if nothing is amiss. "Have a great trip, honey!!". Then go dark. She will want to blow up your phone when she can't get past the ticket counter. Imagine her dismay when her phone doesn't work... No contact except through attorneys.

Yes, I want to live vicariously through you. If you do this, you will be in competition with TurnOtherCheek for best shock and awe DDay.

I'm so sorry you are here. You sound incredibly strong. Your wife is a fool. Strength to you.

Adlham posted 5/4/2017 04:00 AM

I so totally second what WhoTheBleep says

historyrepeats posted 5/4/2017 04:06 AM

I'd let her take the flight and while enroute cancel everything. My level of anger and coldness depends on the level of deception and betrayal. But I'm cold that way.
Since you know you don't want to reconcile, the trip could also be an opportunity to take care of business, tie up loose ends and prepare for the end. Be ready for lots of crying or blaming things on you. Good luck.

Mrhealed posted 5/4/2017 06:59 AM

YHGTBKM

Welcome, I am sorry you are in this situation.

If D is the way, then you should try to get and use the more leverage you can.

Some questions first:

Do you have any children? This may change the whole strategy

Does she have any income? This may affect alimony

When the trip is supposed to happen? The timing is very important so you have time to put your ducks in a row and have a strategy.

If it won’t affect your D case, what you can do is to let her know that you are aware of the Affair once she is on the plane, using a letter in her purse or asking to deliver to her once in the plane (the idea is that she cannot get off), this way you will have 10 – 12 hours to blow her world: expose to her family, your family, friends, etc. This is important as she may try to rewrite the Affair thing making everybody believe that she is a victim of your insecurities and nothing was going on. If OM has a wife and is not in the trip, may be the best time to let her know. Also to file for D documenting all money and debt, so when the D is set, al money spend in the trip, and OM, will be for her to pay solely.

Anyhow, the idea is to have a plan, an strategy and focus on your goal, not in revenge or punishment.

Remember that the opposite of love is not heat, is indifference, and if you have decided to D this may be your goal.

I believe OM (Other Man) is using her as a sperm urinal and to buy him tings, so I believe once he finds out you are aware he will drop her in a blink. I think he is just trying to get all he can before she gets tire of him or you find out, that’s why he said to her to don’t worry too much. I believe is not the first time OM does this kind of things.

When confronting, very important never revealed your sources. Never reveal how much you know.

itsreal posted 5/4/2017 07:06 AM

I am no expert but I would be careful letting her go away and then cancelling cards/etc. That could ultimately affect your case in a D from acting impulsively and in such a way that put her in danger in a foreign country. She could play that up and parlay it into ugliness that she extracts/creates/makes up from your relationship and hurt you in the end when settling the D.

I like the idea of cancelling it all but not saying anything and then as she is lacking or about to leave, tell her everything you know and that all has been cancelled. If you are certain of D you could even give her the papers then...

mharris posted 5/4/2017 07:32 AM

I would blow it up before the trip.

Sanibelredfish posted 5/4/2017 07:47 AM

Put me in the column of blow it up before the trip, and really like the approach below for shock and awe.

I like the idea of cancelling it all but not saying anything and then as she is lacking or about to leave, tell her everything you know and that all has been cancelled. If you are certain of D you could even give her the papers then..

Your WW will be all excited to be going to Bone Town (or it's Spanish equivalent, Hueso Puebla perhaps?) with Rico Suave, and she'll have that yanked out from underneath her (pun intended), but she'll also be served with D papers so that she'll immediately understand she's losing the life she had that enabled a trip to Spain. Oh, you'll see tears and hear, "I'm sorry!!!", repeatedly if you stay in contact. But, if I were you I'd go somewhere else for a week with my phone turned off. Good luck blowing this up!

NewLife1973 posted 5/4/2017 09:12 AM

Shock and awe sounds best. Good luck!

wk55hn posted 5/4/2017 11:56 AM

Follow your attorney's advice.

wk55hn posted 5/4/2017 11:58 AM

Who is the guy? How did she meet him?

Smillie posted 5/4/2017 12:29 PM

You want to get the best financial settlement out of this. Proof of affair might reduce alimony. If your lawyer thinks you have enough to divorce on grounds of adultery, then I would just tell her you know, cancel the trip and tell her you want a divorce. If you can expose to his employer then great (sounds like he might be self employed though), and tell her parents.

[This message edited by Smillie at 12:31 PM, May 4th (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 5/4/2017 12:43 PM

you will be in competition with TurnOtherCheek for best shock and awe DDay.

You should read her first thread.

I'm so sorry - no matter what you do or don't do, the damage by her to you is done.

Be careful of false "remorse"...

Keep posting here...stick to your guns. We are pulling for you.

desertwells posted 5/4/2017 13:23 PM

I agree with WhotheBleep!!!!

Absolutely don't let them take this trip on your tab!

(But sorry you're in this club.)

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