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Hindsight

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Smillie posted 5/12/2017 11:31 AM

She is definitely going to need some free booze on that flight.

YHGTBKM posted 5/12/2017 11:43 AM

I appreciate the concerns, but understand, I am the President & CEO of a company that employs over 1100 people worldwide, if I make decisions based on emotion and without all the facts, people lose their livelihoods.

I cancelled my credit cards, of which she is an accompaniment, which I am well within my rights. Not to mention, I could be held liable for any damages that she/they cause now that she knows that I know.

She has money and there is a reasonable assumption that his family can provide free or compensated accommodations.

She has her return flight, at a pre-assigned date, which she can alter if she pays the fare difference and change fee, so she isn't trapped by any means.

I was counting on this time to get my life back in order but have prepared for the possibility that it maybe reduced.

As for the house, she has no rights to it. It was mine long before we met and she signed her rights to it away before we got married. I wasn't about to throw away everything I built without some sort of protection.

Lalagirl posted 5/12/2017 12:10 PM

I applaud you. Of course people have different opinions and concerns. You cleared those concerns up nicely.

Onward. Take care of biz, and your DD. Do something fun with her...it will give you a bit of a respite as well.

thatbpguy posted 5/12/2017 12:30 PM

I'm really interested to know what she has to say for herself after all this and if she stays with her boy toy.

Also, have you informed your daughter. I think she needs some honesty. I told my then 13 year old about her mother. She was hurt, but we talked it through. She thanked me for telling her.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 12:31 PM, May 12th (Friday)]

mouthkeptshut posted 5/12/2017 12:51 PM

Wow. Can't wait to hear what she has to say about this. Masterfully played.

YHGTBKM posted 5/12/2017 13:00 PM

@ everyone. I do appreciate the questions and words of advice. Sometimes I get so caught up in the course of action I can't see the sidelines.

@thatbpguy. Honestly that conversation with my daughter was the hardest conversation I have ever had. It surprised me how mature she was about it and the support she has shown me...all at 14. She confided in me that she asked her mom if she was having an affair but was assured that she wasn't. I told her that it was unfair of her mom to put her in this situation.

My STBEXW has been contacting us both and wants to come home and "explain". She has been blaming me for being away (I travel continuously between my companies locations) this isn't something new. I rejected her claims and told her she needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with me or her daughter.

anoka posted 5/12/2017 13:11 PM

Well done sir! This has brought tears to my eyes because I was a cowardly pussy and agreed to come home to my WW and son after a month. That was decades ago and I am still filled with regret and self-hatred for my chicken-shit decision.

If there is a heaven I will get a chance to correct that decision.

We were in our early 20's and our financial situation was, basically, paycheck-to-paycheck so I would not have had the kind of leverage to do the things you are able to do. However, there are things I could have done to blow up our relationship to the point where any attempt at reconciliation would have been impossible. I think I would have done those things just to insure that I didn't fall back due to my insecurity. There is so much about what you are doing that feels so right to me. The payback has to feel so fucking good - I'm so envious!

Not that it would be a bad thing by any means, but by going this far to punish her and destroy your relationship are you trying to cement your decision and path forward? Like scorched earth policy to insure that even if your resolve weakens, there's no turning back.

[This message edited by anoka at 1:14 PM, May 12th (Friday)]

Sanibelredfish posted 5/12/2017 13:17 PM


My STBEXW has been contacting us both and wants to come home and "explain". She has been blaming me for being away (I travel continuously between my companies locations) this isn't something new. I rejected her claims and told her she needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with me or her daughter.

I'm sure that'll be some explanation; I believe they call that blameshifting around here. You've seen through that already though so hopefully she gets it sooner than later too.

Were you still planning to leave town with your DD? It'd be funny if she left Spain to come home early and you were nowhere to be found. I wonder if she'd try to get in the house or just go to the Motel 6. Given her apparent entitlement, that'll be a tough pill to swallow.

ChamomileTea posted 5/12/2017 13:18 PM

Be careful. You've got a fidelity clause in your pre-nup and you don't want to do anything which can be construed as tacit forgiveness by the court system. Keep in close contact with your attorney.

My fWH already knew that if he could stay in the home for 30 days or get me back into bed with him, I wouldn't be able to use adultery as grounds in my state. I found that tidy bit of research on his PC. Not that I was smart enough 30+ years ago to get a pre-nup, so applaud you on that score. At this point, I don't think anybody should get married without an ironclad contract.

MickeyBill2016 posted 5/12/2017 13:20 PM

If things were so bad then she should have either tried with your M or filed for D on her own instead of having an affair. But that would take integrity so maybe not. She was so casual about the A that your D suspected...cheater and stupid.

Might be good for you and D to take a trip, to take a breath before things start getting tense. Don;t be there when she returns, but have a friend or discreet security guard watch the house.

Let her come "home", go to Carlos' or Motel 6, get her lies in order and you return in a day or two. No need to be there when she comes back, let her stumble around on her own or with Carlos if he hasn't checked out yet.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:22 PM, May 12th (Friday)]

wordsofwisdom posted 5/12/2017 13:37 PM

I keep my fingers crossed for a smooth divorce process. With your self-awareness, self-respect and integrity you will be fine never mind what.

Sharkman posted 5/12/2017 13:40 PM

So her explanation is that she has told to go find a new man since you travel.

Sounds fair. She clearly has an issue with having guys who are not around 100%. Since you are not going to quit your job she should be relieved that she can be with Carlos all the time now.

You should be 180'ing. Why even discuss it with her at this point?

twisted posted 5/12/2017 14:01 PM

This may end up in the SI Hall of Fame, it certainly should.
You obviously have taken the time to cover your yourself legally, and I commend your on that, well played, YHGTBKM. Very well played.

In hindsight, the only thing you left out was to pay a fellow passenger to record her reaction on the plane. That had to be the longest flight ever.

She "wants to come home and "explain"?
I can't wait for this one! Please excuse all of us that have been so closely following you through, what we all realize, is a tramatic and most difficult point in your life. Some of us are re-living a bit of a fantasy of how we wish we could have done the same.
Best of luck to you and daughter, and I hope you will update from time to time.

thatbpguy posted 5/12/2017 14:28 PM

YHGTBKM: "My STBEXW has been contacting us both and wants to come home and "explain". She has been blaming me for being away (I travel continuously between my companies locations) this isn't something new. I rejected her claims and told her she needs to be honest with herself before she can be honest with me or her daughter."

I can somewhat appreciate 'reasons', but to use those as 'excuses' shows a total lack of remorse. And if there are reasons, those are worked out as a marriage goes along and allowances are made. That's part of communicating as adults.

Basically, she is trying to blame shift and weasel out of this. In short, she isn't willing to face herself.

Were it me, I'd just keep her away until she is ready to fall on her sword, admit all without excuses (I would accept reasons) and go from there.

And what about her lover?

StillStanding1 posted 5/12/2017 14:33 PM

Glad to read that you had an open discussion with your daughter. Please keep the lines of communication open with her, and do your best not to involve her in the drama of it all.

My children were profoundly impacted by the discovery of their father's A. The fact that your DD suspected and confronted prior to this tells me she is quite astute and mature. However, she is still a child at a very impressionable age when it comes to relationships, so please consider my earlier recommendation to get her into IC or at least talking with an uninvolved adult.

My WH is also a company president and CEO. Except he was the wayward Infidelity can happen to any of us. Good for you for your prompt and decisive response. I have no doubt you will survive this all quite well.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 4:21 PM, May 12th (Friday)]

thatbpguy posted 5/12/2017 15:07 PM

It would to have been interesting to surprise her in Barcelona by showing up, announced, with your daughter at their hotel. Maybe even had her folks with you....

WhatElseToDo posted 5/12/2017 15:52 PM

Isn't that rich? She didn't mind your role as a President/CEO of a global company when it was paying for her lifestyle, now she wants to penalize you for it? I can appreciate that it is difficult to have a spouse who has to travel often for work, but that's life. Doesn't give someone a right to betray their entire family. She's just floundering now because she knows she fucked her whole life up. Good for you YHGTBKM.

If you do decide that you're willing to give her the gift of R at any point (I know you said this was off the table, but feelings can change), make sure you get a post nup to doubledown on the prenup, offer additional protections for things accumulated during the marriage, and maybe add some additional assurances in terms of custody.

Curious9 posted 5/12/2017 16:03 PM

I think the only thing that would have topped it off for me is have someone filming her when she received your text about the AP. The look on her face would have been priceless. :)

Great job on handling this. Its clear your a man of action. Good for you for taking action and taking care of yourself. To often you see the BS lose out in every direction when infidelity happens. Its nice to see the table turns once in a while.

C

M1965 posted 5/12/2017 16:39 PM

YHGTBKM,

Speaking personally, I join the others here who have applauded you for getting your ducks in a row and letting your WW blow herself out of the water.

She is going to come home and "explain" herself? Explain?!?!? What kind of pathetic excuse-making will that be? You work hard to provide for her and your daughter, but because that means that sometimes you're not around, your poor, neglected WW couldn't help falling under her dance instructor, lying and deceiving you, and arranging a totally bogus holiday with "the girls"? Wow. As another poster said, that is going to take a very special explanation. Since when has cheating been a way to improve a marriage? She could have spoken to you about wanting to see more of you if she really wanted to be with you, instead of spending so much of her time with the OM.

Strange how until she was royally busted, she wasn't explaining a thing. In fact, at the airport, she was taking selfies of her and "the girls", but "the girls" obviously must be vampires, because although they were all around her, they did not show up in the photos.

And in case anyone here thinks I get some kind of vicarious sadistic 'delight' in this, that is not the case at all. I have been reading stories in this forum since the beginning of 2017, and I have seen so many good, decent, loving people absolutely destroyed by the disgusting lying, deception, and callous disregard for their feelings shown by wayward spouses that it often feels like there is no justice in the world when it comes to infidelity. And then a scenario like this comes along, where for once - and it really is an incredibly rare thing to see - a betrayed spouse has his ducks in a row, all the legal arrangements in place, good legal advice, and because of that, he isn't yet another helpless victim of a callous, selfish betrayal. So many victims of infidelity are left shattered, distraught, confused, heartbroken, and depressed, that when a case like this comes along, and it is the wayward whose world is turned upside down because of their own horrible actions, I can't help feeling, "Good, you deserve that, you brought it on yourself".

Is this a victory? No, of course not. A marriage and family is breaking up, and that is sad to see. My heart goes out to YHTBKM and his daughter because of the betrayal his wife has inflicted on both of them. The element that I feel 100% positive about is that for once a victim of betrayal has turned the tables, protected himself, and made a lying cheat the victim of their own actions.

Maybe some people wouldn't pin a merit badge on me for feeling that way, but I know what I went through, I know what I see others going through on the forum, and this is how I feel.

YHGTBKM, I applaud the way you have protected yourself and your daughter from your wife's destructive actions. I know you will be hurting, and your daughter too, but I know you will find the strength in one another to move forwards and heal.

Oh, and one final thought, which I think is very important:

Get yourself a VAR and record every conversation that you have with your wife about her actions. If such recording is not submissible in court as evidence in your state, then you must have your lawyer with you when anything to do with the marriage is discussed. Your wife will not like that, but frankly, who cares? You must continue protecting yourself and your daughter.

I'm very sorry that this has been done to you, but inspired and impressed by the way you have protected yourself.

[This message edited by M1965 at 5:01 PM, May 12th (Friday)]

anoka posted 5/12/2017 16:49 PM

I agree you should record your conversations with her but I wouldn't use a VAR. I'd just pull out my cell phone, put it on record and say "I'm recording everything - do you still want to talk?"

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