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Hindsight

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YHGTBKM posted 5/12/2017 17:22 PM

Everbody can go home because, Apparently this all was a mistake and an accident...lol

She didn't like it when I said "You mean you mistakenly deceived me for months and accidentally slept with another man for months".

My lawyer suggests placating her for a full written confession in her office, even going as far as suggesting that reconciliation is possible to meet that end.

For my part reconciliation will not be offered for four simple reasons; 1.) I cannot trust her ever again; 2.) I am not a runner up in my own marriage; 3.) I have more self respect than that and 4.) She's not the same woman I married.

thatbpguy posted 5/12/2017 17:28 PM

My lawyer suggests placating her for a full written confession in her office, even going as far as suggesting that reconciliation is possible to meet that end.

For my part reconciliation will not be offered for four simple reasons; 1.) I cannot trust her ever again; 2.) I am not a runner up in my own marriage; 3.) I have more self respect than that and 4.) She's not the same woman I married.

It seems to be the only thing a written confession is good for will be invoking the infidelity clause in the pre-nup.

As to R, all 4 of those are sound reasons. Besides, she belongs to her lover now. He is tasked with caring for her as she has given herself to him.

And this is just an opinion, but when a woman has a unique disposition such as she has with you, faithfulness is paramount. Maybe more so than in a normal marriage with us paupers where we are around all the time. And trust is indeed gone forever. And who would want to spend their life monitoring a wife?

Western posted 5/12/2017 18:39 PM

YHG,

you handled this like a champ. Textbook and I loved it.

I agree that she can never be trusted again and that divorce is the only option.

Just make sure your attorney is the real deal.

What she did to you is disgusting and she deserves no respect at this point.

Fight on and keep us posted.

IMO, awesome job.

And btw, I think you are in good shape on the legal front regarding your actions on the day of her departure except in two areas. 1) She has legal standing in your house so she can come back and even take the locks you just installed off if need be. 2) She can come back and file a false DV complaint against you in retaliation.Trust me, it happens all the time and have been facilitated by our PC society and judges fear of liability because they feel there is more liability in denying a DV order and having someone get hurt than there is in falsely denying someone their property and home for a year. I could be wrong because I don't know the legalities in your state. Your attorney will. Again job well done

Talk to your attorney about both issues before she gets home and buy a var to wear on your person when she gets home.

The hell with her. She deserves no respect

[This message edited by Western at 6:51 PM, May 12th (Friday)]

Ponus18 posted 5/12/2017 18:48 PM

YHG - I've been following this thread and just wanted to add a few things:

First, you obviously handled yourself with class and grace in a difficult situation. And you've set an example for many other people here - I hope that will be some solace to you. I expect that people will refer to what you've managed to do here under the toughest of circumstances - I think this will become legendary.

That said, someone made a great point that I hope you know that not lost in this is that you've lost your marriage and have been so terribly wronged. While we cheer for you and how you methodically took control of the situation, we know this is not a TV show and that this is the real world. So while at the same time that many of us are living through you and wishing we had done as well, you also have our support, just as we support all who come here for help.

I would also add that I waited to tell my son about his mother's infidelity until he was nearly 16 and I too was very worried. He reacted in a very similar way as your DD and I can tell you that he's been doing great in the couple of months since. Kids are so resilient. And I have a sneaking suspicion that you'll know just how to handle it.

Kudos to you for all you have done here. I hope you'll keep posting here and allow us to continue to help as you go through this process, which as I'm sure you know has only just begun.

M1965 posted 5/12/2017 18:48 PM

Everybody can go home because, Apparently this all was a mistake and an accident.

Do you remember how a complete series of "Dallas" ended with Bobby Ewing stepping out of a shower, and the entire series that preceded the shower turned out to be a dream? Maybe you'll step out of your next shower and find the same thing.

In fairness, it was a huge mistake for your WW, but an accident? I wonder if she has told her boyfriend that he is a mistake and an accident. Who accidentally boards a plane with a mistake? How does a mistake apply for a passport? Sorry, I'll stop, but it's all just so ridiculous.

She didn't like it when I said "You mean you mistakenly deceived me for months and accidentally slept with another man for months".

How dare you allow the truth to spoil a perfectly ludicrous excuse? You're a bad, bad man.

My lawyer suggests placating her for a full written confession in her office, even going as far as suggesting that reconciliation is possible to meet that end.

For my part reconciliation will not be offered for four simple reasons; 1.) I cannot trust her ever again; 2.) I am not a runner up in my own marriage; 3.) I have more self respect than that and 4.) She's not the same woman I married.

Getting a full written confession is a very good idea, but it has to be completely legally squared away with no promise of reconciliation. Your reasons for rejecting reconciliation are 100% wise and watertight. I read many stories in the forum where dazed, broken spouses pursue reconciliation with people they should be running away from at high speed. It is so sad, and you can just tell that it won't work.

You could view this as you granting your WW the freedom to be with her boyfriend all the time, with no hiding or deception. And you have given him the opportunity to get down on one knee and propose to her. She wanted him enough to lie to you and cheat with him for months, she ought to be happy that they can be together 24/7, 365 days a year. Strange that now she faces that prospect, she is saying it was an accidental mistake...Go figure.

Chicky posted 5/12/2017 21:13 PM

I appreciate the concerns, but understand, I am the President & CEO of a company that employs over 1100 people worldwide, if I make decisions based on emotion and without all the facts, people lose their livelihoods.
I cancelled my credit cards, of which she is an accompaniment, which I am well within my rights. Not to mention, I could be held liable for any damages that she/they cause now that she knows that I know.

She has money and there is a reasonable assumption that his family can provide free or compensated accommodations.

She has her return flight, at a pre-assigned date, which she can alter if she pays the fare difference and change fee, so she isn't trapped by any means.

I was counting on this time to get my life back in order but have prepared for the possibility that it maybe reduced.

As for the house, she has no rights to it. It was mine long before we met and she signed her rights to it away before we got married. I wasn't about to throw away everything I built without some sort of protection.

YOU Sir, are my new hero. BRAVO!

Jeaniegirl posted 5/12/2017 21:23 PM

I need to go back through the thread as it appears there has been a confrontation? Has she left on that trip yet?

Chicky posted 5/12/2017 21:28 PM

Oh yeah, you need to go back and read. Start on page 4, 6th post from the top.

HeavyE posted 5/12/2017 22:42 PM

Friend: Welcome.

You have played your hand very well. As long as your attorney has been advising you along the way and you have been honest with them the entire time, I see no issues. I'm sure a lot of our members wish we were so lucky to be able to pull this off.

I can understand you being very protective getting her to sign off on the property and a pre-nup with an infidelity clause. It is sad that this even was a thought but I am not in your financial stature and power.

You must have a wonderful PI involved. Getting all the details you needed on whom, their address, the fact that her girlfriends know, even getting one of them to agree to attest to it.

I applaud you for being brave in discussing this with your daughter. I can only imagine how difficult it was. I hope you both have a wonderful vacation in Maui.

Please don't take my remarks as being a smart ass, as I can promise you I am not. I am just very impressed by how you were able to take care of everything with out blowing your cover. You must have veins of ice.

Please tell me your user name initials mean You Have Got To Be Kidding Me? Wouldn't want to waste all the hours I have spent watching detective shows to go to waste.

Peace to you and your daughter my brother.

YHGTBKM posted 5/13/2017 20:36 PM

I was so focused on the steps I was taking that I never really had time to decompress but I am suddenly regretting being so harsh.

I've read numerous threads here where those who've been cheated on say "I don't know what to do" and I have been astonished at that statement because it seems obvious but now I can see the angst.

She wants to come home and tell me her side and I am beginning to waffle.

I don't think seeing her right now would be healthy.

Western posted 5/13/2017 20:51 PM

don't waffle. Are you kidding me ? Harsh ? She went to Europe to have a romantic vacation with her Spanish boyfriend at your expense and you took aggressive steps to to tell her that was not acceptable.

What in God's world could she tell you that would make things better ?

What lies did she dream up to tell you when she was in a panic over the loss of her security ?

You are a CEO of a major company. She sees her $ train going away on the tracks. Don't get sucked in. Stay the course.

Otherwise, you lose.

this is as major a case that I have seen here in two years.

Stay strong, dude

Think with your mind, not your head. Had you gone to Europe with your girlfriend, what would she do ??

[This message edited by Western at 8:52 PM, May 13th (Saturday)]

sassylee posted 5/13/2017 20:52 PM

YGTBKM - you're waffling...about what exactly? Are you thinking you might want to explore the potential for reconciliation? Remember - as decisive as you've been, this is a woman I assume you loved up until you discovered her betrayals. It's impossible to turn off those feelings on a dime. Your self-respect and adrenaline fueled your plans to wreck her Spain vacay - and probably masked your "love" feelings.

I suggest you sit with your feelings. Reflect on whether you think you can R...you will need to see your W eventually - when you do, you can hear whether she's remorseful. You can listen to her plans for reparation. Maybe use this time to read here about what is necessary for successful R. The book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal..." has a list of actions a successful rebuilder undertakes to build the new marriage. Create your list of non-negotiatables in order to even consider R.

Infidelity hurts, its trauma. All your planning occupied your mind and now that it's done, your left with the hurt...it's completely normal...

[This message edited by sassylee at 8:54 PM, May 13th (Saturday)]

ChamomileTea posted 5/13/2017 21:13 PM

What you're seeing right now is damage control. She hasn't had enough time to start feeling remorseful. Remember that the difference between regret and remorse is whether she's empathizing with herself or with you. Typically, it takes some time for a WS to walk that mile in their betrayed spouse's shoes.

Just days ago, she was scampering off for an overseas tryst. She's been caught out shock and awe style, so even if the words are pretty, there hasn't been enough time for real remorse to sink in.

Listen to your attorney and don't do anything that endangers your fidelity clause. Watch and wait. There's a thread somewhere here on the difference between regret and remorse. Hopefully somebody with better search skills than mine can bump it for you.

DeWittle posted 5/13/2017 21:17 PM

She wants to come home and tell me her side and I am beginning to waffle.
I suggest contacting your lawyer first, so you don't do something that may be considered forgiveness by the courts. (Re fidelity clause)

In the mean time, is she spending the rest of the vacation with her BF?

YHGTBKM posted 5/13/2017 21:18 PM

@ Western. Thanks for that. I am being cried at two ends and now her parents are trying to intercede.

I've decided to take my daughter to Disneyland for a few days and then continue on with our original plans.

I feel badly for my daughter as she truly is a mommas girl and any waffling I would consider would be for her. I just know it won't work now that I know she can't be trusted.

YHGTBKM posted 5/13/2017 21:23 PM

@camomile tea; no reconciliation is not possible. My daughter wants her mom to come home and for me to forgive her.

She can't understand why I can't just bring her home and listen to her.

YHGTBKM posted 5/13/2017 21:29 PM

@DeWittle; it's not happening. I will not allow her even through the door. This was her house and she threw it all away over a "mistake, accident, just sex & somebody who doesn't mean anything to her".

I have the advantage and will not relinquish it.

longsadstory1952 posted 5/13/2017 21:29 PM

Of course you can let her explain. As long as you are prepared for deflection and blame shifting. Otherwise, what is there for her to talk about? Unless she has a credible story about alien abduction, it will come down to she found a boy toy because you worked to hard to provide a nice life for her, so it's all your fault.

Marriagesucks posted 5/13/2017 21:46 PM

Sometimes I get so caught up in the course of action I can't see the sidelines.
Being a CEO in a large company I imagine you deal with outside pressures and problems most days. Dealing with an emotional problem like this I'm sure has thrown you for a loop. All I can say is stay the course and have fun with your daughter at Disneyland, and try to relax even if it is only for a couple of days.

ChamomileTea posted 5/13/2017 21:48 PM

I feel badly for my daughter as she truly is a mommas girl and any waffling I would consider would be for her. I just know it won't work now that I know she can't be trusted.

Fourteen year-old girls are really emotional... and opinionated. I remember that stage well. You'll want to reassure her that this is between you and her mother, and that you both still love her and that she's still going to have a great relationship with both of her parents. There's going to be an underlying fear that she'll be expected to choose sides. Put that fear to rest.

You might have to be a little firm about it (girls can be obstinate at that age), but firmness is authority, and authority can be reassuring when it's wielded correctly. Be sure to listen to her thoughts and be sympathetic. That helps her feel secure and heard. But over all, this is too big of a problem for a teenager to solve, so don't let her pull it onto her own plate.

Hope that makes sense. It's a balancing act between letting her know who's in charge and allowing her room to share her feelings.

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