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Hindsight

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YHGTBKM posted 5/16/2017 12:44 PM

@thatbpguy;

I appreciate the thought. I have been very careful what I am saying and the manner in which I say things about my STBEXW in relation to my daughter.

I am also using this as a teaching moment, letting her see that every action has a consequence.

We've already had the discussion about what will most likely happen. That she will be forced to choose between me and her mother (in terms of primary residence) but I have reinforced that she is not choosing who loves her. That I will support her decision no matter what.

Of course I know that her life revolves around this house, being able to walk to school, being near her friends etc, and I am counting on those things as an equaliser.

I have also have the fact that our housekeeper has been looking after her as a suedo parent since she was born and has been a real emotional support during this, when she can't talk to dad.

wordsofwisdom posted 5/16/2017 12:47 PM

YHGTBKM, I wish you could use this GPS information in your future fight for the custody. Do you record your phone conversations?

Also, I see no point for you to let her talking to you every day – she has a zero respect to you, and I think it should be very toxic for you to listen to her and get your daily dose of lies. I remember that one of the most therapeutic decisions I made very early on my way to divorce was to redirect our your attempts to reach me to my attorney.

In your case, the only reason for your wife to contact you is your daughter.

Lalagirl posted 5/16/2017 12:48 PM

I'm not sure what it means - it takes two to create betrayal...ygtbkm has no ownership in this betrayal...the marriage, yes - but not the betrayal...

Agreed.

She has however forgotten to turn off her phones location device which tells me they moved on from Barcelona, North where she attempted to use the credit cards to book into resort and then obviously paid cash at a very nice 4*. They have since started moving NW towards what I assume is loverboys home town.

THIS is why you must continue on with your plans. You've consulted with an attorney, your ducks are in a nice row. Regarding your DD, she will be okay. I am sure you're being as gentle with her about this as you possibly can.

STBXW doesn't want to lose her cushy lifestyle that financed her liaison(s) - of COURSE she wants to talk...she's that twisted...she will say anything that she thinks will change your mind about D.

Unbelievable.

thatbpguy posted 5/16/2017 12:48 PM

I am glad to see your care and love for your daughter.

I am also finding it humorous your WW is unaware that you can track her on the GPS.

YHGTBKM posted 5/16/2017 12:50 PM

You lost me there thatbpguy.

I didn't create betrayal. If my STBEXW felt like there was a problem, it was her obligation to speak with me about her concerns. The notion that the way to fight perceived betrayal to to engage in actual betrayal is insulting.

desertwells posted 5/16/2017 12:51 PM

I think too many BS grasp at the emotional aspects and forget that the WS is not the person they fell in love with, so the nuclear option shouldn't be considered as hurting the one you love, because that person doesn't exist.

The woman I loved died the moment she chose to betray me.

Agreed! 'Dead to me' comes to mind. That and 'I overestimated who you were during our marriage, but you'll underestimate who I am during our divorce.' I was not about to be played. (again)

Having said that, your battle is not your daughter's battle. She is 50% of your wife's DNA. Please don't make her feel bad about that, even if your WW has been a complete douche with her lately. She doesn't need to know details or be a confidante. She will figure things out on her own in due time and form her own opinions from her experiences with her mother. People are correct when they say that it can backfire down the road. It sounds like you have the funds to get her into IC. Her world has completely been turned upside down too- if she's willing to go, I'd be right on that.

OrdinaryDude posted 5/16/2017 12:56 PM

I tell her that her flight home is guaranteed and that she needs this time to reflect on her life.

This is very good, especially that your daughter will see that you still have some compassion for her mother.

desertwells posted 5/16/2017 13:00 PM

That she will be forced to choose between me and her mother (in terms of primary residence) but I have reinforced that she is not choosing who loves her. That I will support her decision no matter what.

Perfect.

Stevesn posted 5/16/2017 13:07 PM

YHGTBKM

Have you thought to hire a PI in Spain to watch them for a few days and report back?

Not sure it's necessary but it would be interesting the pictures you would get.

thatbpguy posted 5/16/2017 13:09 PM

That's a fair point that it should be that when a marriage has issues that the two work it out, but so often it doesn't happen. There are always reasons people betray and I am challenging you to consider why she did so on you. Don't mistake it for providing her an excuse, but apparently she felt the need to do so.

Western posted 5/16/2017 13:13 PM

you are doing well and yes it's very important that you continue to track her.

Words are cheap. Actions are paramount.

After what she did, it would be over for me too. However, her continuing on this affair would also make me double down and not be nice to her in any resolution.

Let her have Carlos. You deserve so much better. let her think about that when she is living in a small brick rancher in Spain and you are living the high life with a woman who loves you and treats you with respect in your retirement mansion.

She chose this, you didn't. And also I don't always believe that marital problems are 50/50. Somtimes they are 80/20, 90/10 plus infidelity is always 100/0.

Not sure about your marriage but in a serious tone, she fucked up royally and her wanting to discuss things while she roams the Spanish countryside with her fuckbuddy is a nogamer.

Keep on your course and finish this thing out.

You are right about your daughter. She chooses her path but don't let that change how you protect yourself. Protect yourself !!!!!

Lalagirl posted 5/16/2017 13:29 PM

There are always reasons people betray and I am challenging you to consider why she did so on you.

WHAT?

The reason is because she friggin felt like it. She's broken and flawed. YHGTBKM provided for her emotionally and financially. Are you saying that he is somehow to blame for her infidelity?

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:32 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

nlwsrw posted 5/16/2017 14:08 PM

Lurking with intriguing interest....thatbpguy...the decision to betray, cheat, gut, castigate, chastise, admonish a BS by the self-interested actions of a WS is solely the WS's option....adultery, infidelity is never a justification for their action.

If the WS has issues that they feel are intervening in the marriage...then bring it forward or seek desolution and find another partner.

Infidelity has NO defense in my book...none.

Mrhealed posted 5/16/2017 14:25 PM

YHGTBKM,

Seems like you have all you need, so why do you want a time line knowing she is lying?

I live in Spain, Madrid, and on N from Barcelona are the high end hotels, restaurants, etc. On one side the Mediterranean see and the other the pirineos... So all that area is very turísticas and very expensive. Your WW isn't there because is cheaper, she is the in a honeymoon with OM.

I know you are ahead in tus situation UT be Vera carefully once you face her, IMO she just want a bigger bite of your money to be with OM, of course OM is investing on her right now hope no to out his hands on your money.

You are doing a great job! Just try to not talk to your WW at all

M1965 posted 5/16/2017 14:26 PM

"Just as it takes 2 people to make a marriage, it takes the same 2 to create a betrayal. Food for some deep thought."

My take on it is that it certainly does takes two people to make a marriage, but it only takes one to destroy it. If that is not the case, then this forum has more than fifty thousand members who really ought to stop whining, because they brought the betrayals that broke their hearts and turned their worlds upside down on themselves.

"There are always reasons people betray and I am challenging you to consider why she did so on you. Don't mistake it for providing her an excuse, but apparently she felt the need to do so."

There are always reasons why people burgle a house. Perhaps the owner has nice stuff. Maybe the burglar-alarm is easy to disable. Maybe the home owner accidentally left their door unlocked. However, whatever the home-owner may or may not have done in regard to the security of their home and property is totally unrelated to the burglar's deliberate and considered decision to do something they know is wrong. And in this case, the WW lied, lied, and lied again. Even to her daughter, face to face. Which is a 100% cast-iron indication that she knew that what she was doing was wrong, that it was something that she should not have been doing, and that she did not want her daughter or her husband to know about it. When a person decides to not communicate with their nearest and dearest, and to actively lie to them and deceive them, the only action the victims of that deception can take is to develop psychic powers, because silence, lies, and infidelity do not fix anything. As this thread illustrates!

When a person feels the need to lie to their spouse and child to go on a European tour with their 'secret' lover (though she said she was going "with the girls"), I don't think their motivations or their morality require a lot of consideration. Selfishness, a lack of responsibility, poor morals, a duplicitous nature, and a monumental sense of entitlement and ingratitude for a luxurious life spring immediately to mind. Is YHGTBKM somehow to blame for any of those elements in his WW's character? I don't think so. And apparently the WW says she is staying in a "flea-bag motel", despite staying in a four-star hotel. Lying and betrayal come so easily to some people, don't they? Even after they have been well and truly busted...

Having said that, if YHGTBKM had not provided his WW with a nice life where she didn't have to work for a living, and always had money to spend, she would have had a lot less time and funds for seeing her boyfriend. So he is guilty of that, I suppose.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:30 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

desertwells posted 5/16/2017 14:33 PM

There are always reasons people betray and I am challenging you to consider why she did so on you.

Umm, no, just no.

I agree that your marriage, unbeknownst to you, was deeply flawed. Clearly, or she wouldn't have been having an affair. But she purposefully left you out of the loop on that one- probably because she was weighing her options / having her cake and eating it too.

But other than not having a better spider sense ;-), never take responsibility for her betrayal.

That's. Completely. On. Her.

william posted 5/16/2017 15:16 PM

It does take two to betray a marriage. Ws and ap.

It's weird she called wanting to "explain" and yet is STILL on Vaca with om. That's weird. I'd have thought most people would race back to try to salvage or do damage control. Words over actions - her actions say she's not too invested.

I'm sorry. Even if you are done I know that hurts :(

sassylee posted 5/16/2017 15:19 PM

Ugh! Thatbpguy - have you done any reading here at SI at all? YGTBKM's WW cheated because she's selfish, conflict avoidant, entitled, immoral, and dishonest. She has behaved this way I'm sure, because of some FOO issue. We don't GIVE our waywards reasons to cheat. She had options - divorce, counselling, mature adult conversation - I suspect she wanted the marriage as she didn't choose divorce, she chose to cheat in the down low - she wanted both. Betrayed spouses have NOTHING to do with infidelity - just as we have no control over their faithfulness...

Curious9 posted 5/16/2017 15:25 PM

I don't have much to add. The others here do a great job of bringing a wealth of information to these issues. I just wanted to say I respect you for the way your handling this. I think your daughter will come to see what a truly great man you are for handling this in a respectful way.

I know when things went down for me I made to many mistakes. I can only say after going through this with three different women that the sooner you stand up for yourself the better off you are in the long run.

Good for you.

C

thatbpguy posted 5/16/2017 15:41 PM

Woof!

Tough crowd around this place.

As a 'wounded and disabled' veteran of the BS club I know full well what I speak of. And I will let it rest there.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 3:42 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

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