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Hindsight

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bigbearsfan posted 5/4/2017 13:31 PM

YHGTBKM,
Trust me, don't allow her to go on this trip on your dime. Why should you let them have a big getaway and then you kick yourself down the road that you paid for their BS.
Your going to let the OM get a free vacation off of you? WTH! Think about it, a free trip and free pussy all provided by you!
You want her to suffer and revenge. Nothing would be more gratifying than the day before her trip you hand her divorce papers and tell her trip with her boyfriend will not be funded by you. You want drama, that will bring it. Her world will come crashing down and the fireworks will fly!
This way, you will not lose face and it won't hurt you in court!

Alchemy posted 5/4/2017 14:36 PM

I have this urge to go full revenge mode on her and cancel credit cards before she lands and text her that I know everything, but I am worried how it will reflect on me during divorce proceedings?

What will this accomplish? They'll use his credit cards and she'll reimburse him later for the cost of her room, meals, etc., which she will be allowed to do out of her half of the marital assets.

IIWY, I'd focus less on revenge and more on getting the best possible D terms. And, yes, if the court thinks you've acted badly, it will likely hurt you. Don't give your WW the evidence she needs to play the "victim" card.

Ponus18 posted 5/4/2017 15:15 PM

First of all, I'm sorry very you've found yourself here.

I see you're getting lots of different answers on this one - I'm not sure there is necessarily a right or wrong answer. I think folks here are giving good reasons why they'd handle this one way or the other.

My personal view is that I love the idea of letting her get on the plane and then texting her the bad news that she's been caught red handed and cutting off the credit cards. That would be some flight, huh. I'd just make sure that the flight takes off first. Literally, if it were me, I'd watch the plane leave the gate, and then hit "send" when it's barreling down the runway.

I'm a lawyer myself but not a matrimonial lawyer, so take this with a big grain of salt, but I just don't see the risk in your divorce proceedings. Is a judge going to reach a different decision on asset share and alimony because you cut off her credit cards as she was jetting off to espana with her enamorado? I just don't buy it.

Let me tell you a story - when I found out that my now xWW was having sex with half the town, I filed for D but then I treated her very nicely throughout the process. I did everything by the book. For example, to this day I haven't told her mother what she did because I feel bad for her mom and don't want to cause her unnecessary pain. She's also in frail health now and lost her husband - I just don't want to make her even more sad. I also haven't told my xWW's 2 close girlfriends that she had sex with their husbands because I'm only 75 percent sure - I just haven't been able to confirm it enough to blow up their worlds.

BUT, I'll tell you one thing I did do. We had to go through with our son's bar mitzvah because it was coming up soon after I filed. We agreed to tell him after his big day (I wanted to tell him sooner but my xWW's psychologist convinced me it would be very detrimental for him - I think that was probably a mistake but what do I know. I'm just a dumb lawyer). Anyway, my xWW emailed me and asked me what song I thought the band should play when she and I got introduced to the guests at the party - so I sent her a long list of like 20 songs about cheating - "you're cheating heart," and songs like that. And I said "I would think any of these would be appropriate so feel free to pick whichever you like." An hour later my D attorney emailed me with a forwarded email - my xWW had forwarded my email to her lawyer, who forwarded it to my lawyer saying that my email is not helping matters and then my lawyer forwarded it to me telling me I should refrain from sending emails like this. You know something? Sure, from the lawyers' standpoint maybe that made some sense, but honestly after finding out about her cheating with all those men over the years, on my dime, behind my back, while I was taking care of the kids, it felt pretty damned good. And my "naughty" email behavior ended up making zero difference in my case. But today, 3 years later I gotta tell you - it feels pretty darn good.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I'm envious that you have such a great opportunity to stick it to your soon to be xWW. I think you're getting a lot of comments here because we all fantasize about doing something exactly like this.

It's understandable blowing it up before or doing the airplane text plan, but man do I hope you do the latter and report back here. I personally think you'll back on it in the years to come and feel pretty damned good you did.

Ponus18 posted 5/4/2017 15:28 PM

I just wanted to add: what I would suggest specifically is that you go ahead and get your papers ready to file and then text her the moment the plane leaves the gate and tell her that you hope she has a wonderful trip with her boyfriend, that her credit cards have all been cancelled and so you hope her boyfriend brought enough Euros to pay for you both, that the marshal will be at the airport awaiting her return to serve her with her divorce papers, not to bother calling, emailing or texting because you shan't be responding and that you wish her a wonderful flight and rest of her life.

YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 18:08 PM

Thanks everyone. The venting helps a lot. It's been tough watching her lies progress. I guess I wanted to see if she was just stringing him along or that it wasn't as bad as I ultimately know it is.

We have one daughter, 14, who told me (independently) that she feels abandoned by her mother. I take it that her mother was preoccupied most of the time.

She has no knowledge of what's going on. She just knows that things aren't the same as they used to be.

As I was older when we met and married I was already established and made her sign a prenuptial agreement that has me sitting sound financially in the event of divorce. My lawyer advised me that I would be responsible for any and all expenses incurred while she is on the trip. I have decided to cancel all the cards and empty the joint account, except her deposits less her spending of course.

My lawyer suggested that I be amenable to wiring enough funds to allow her to survive. She suggested $12$12$24 a day would be ample.

Her Spanish boy toy has no money, she or rather I have paid for his flight and a bunch of other things.

It will be a rough awakening for her, living in a 650sqft apartment - her closet is bigger than that.

It will be tough breaking the news to my daughter.

YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 19:21 PM

Just an FYI, my STBEW is looking at a forfeiture of spousal support/alimony due to a "fidelity clause" in our prenuptial agreement.

She is literally going to leave the marriage with next to nothing. I get kinda warm and fuzzy thinking about that. I wonder if SBT will keep her around when they don't have my money to spend?

She leaves next Thursday. Hell should be breaking loose by Friday and she is scheduled to come home on the 24th. I am changing the locks and security at the house and am taking my daughter to Maui for an extended May long weekend.

sam1 posted 5/4/2017 19:23 PM

YHGTBKM

Good for you man. Im post divorce 3 months and i also had a similar situation but a very young child. 3 to be exact. I went shock and awe and kicked her out of the house and changed the locks. The OM was also a loser with no money.... i gotta beleive some of this is due to out WW feeling like they are in control because they are superior to the AP. The AP needs them and showers them with whatever they want to hear. As soon as i contacted the AP other woman he dropped her like a hot potato. Now shes sitting in a 10x10 room at her parents house. A little bit of karma....now reality is setting in and remorse is coming. But.....im financially untied....always will be and im in control of what i choose to do with my future. I also came in with a prenup nd left financially sound with the house and all the contents. No alimony and state guidelines for CS. Its horrible to go thru but i do not regret shock and awe. I filed and she was out of the house within 2 weeks of dday. I dont need a marriage document to reconcile.....however its not a marriage when she fd another man for 5 months. Prayers for ya bud....i say give her what she deserves

Adlham posted 5/4/2017 19:30 PM

YHGTBKM good for you!
I'm sorry that you find yourself here but there are plenty of people to support you and plenty of tools at your disposal.
Take care of yourself.

OrdinaryDude posted 5/4/2017 19:40 PM

Just an FYI, my STBEW is looking at a forfeiture of spousal support/alimony due to a "fidelity clause" in our prenuptial agreement.

She is literally going to leave the marriage with next to nothing. I get kinda warm and fuzzy thinking about that.

I think you just made my year brother, finally a WS getting what they deserve...too often we see them getting alimony after they cheat and it sickens me.

It should be law that infidelity automatically means zero support.

OrdinaryDude posted 5/4/2017 19:47 PM

My lawyer advised me that I would be responsible for any and all expenses incurred while she is on the trip.

So are you going to let them go, or are you going to cancel the tickets?

Jeaniegirl posted 5/4/2017 19:50 PM

A pre-nup with a cheating clause. Perfect. Right before she leaves, hand her enough cash for food everyday she's to be gone and then cancel all the cards immediately. Not enough for Spanish Fly (the boyfriend), just HER. Tell her it's food money in case some places won't take cards. I would send the text that she will get when her plane touches down in fantasy land.

YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 19:58 PM

@Sam1...good to know that I have similar company. Thanks for your support and advice.

Sharkman posted 5/4/2017 20:03 PM

I don't know. Instead of canceling her ticket I'd almost want to surprise her that day that you're going with her.

Granted, it might spook her out of the trip but her reaction would be delicious

What kind of forensically pure data have you provided your attorney ?

YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 20:10 PM

@ordinarydude.

Yes I am letting her go. I need the time she will be gone to get my affairs in order. Plus I want her to think she has really got one over on me.

She has a domestic stop before going to Spain so I can't drop the bomb on her before she leaves or even when she is sitting on the tarmac as she Will jump the next connector back.

vatoloco posted 5/4/2017 20:11 PM

YHGTBKM
My admiration for the way you handled this horrible situation in which your wife has put you. Only acts well advised legally and then uses all your strength, your wife deserves no mercy, has placed you in a terrifying place.
A lot of strength and talk with your daughter that by age can understand very well what happened. Just one question: in these years you will not have been unfaithful? Do you think this is the first time? Greetings and strength for you and your daughter.

Alchemy posted 5/4/2017 20:15 PM

My lawyer suggested that I be amenable to wiring enough funds to allow her to survive. She suggested $12$12$24 a day would be ample.

121224 = 3456.

Do you mean $12+$12+$24 a day?

YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 20:22 PM

@vatoloco, I've been faithful. I can't say for certain about her. After all this I can't be certain of anything.

YHGTBKM posted 5/4/2017 20:27 PM

@Alchemy,

Yes, $48 dollars a day. I am going to Western Union her $1000 euros and then I am done.

vatoloco posted 5/4/2017 20:54 PM

Forgive friend, I express myself poorly, the question was: what were you sure your wife had not been unfaithful before? Do you trust it was not before?

sassylee posted 5/4/2017 21:12 PM

Will you be able to recoup 50% of the marital funds spent on the affair back?

[This message edited by sassylee at 9:15 PM, May 4th (Thursday)]

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