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Hindsight

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sassylee posted 5/16/2017 16:14 PM

...apparently not...

thatbpguy posted 5/16/2017 16:17 PM

That was heartless...

sassylee posted 5/16/2017 16:27 PM

You don't have an understanding of infidelity if you assign any amount of responsibility to the BS...unless you held a gun to the WS's head and ordered them to cheat...

Now - perhaps you're holding on to that belief because it allows to feel you now have some control over your spouse's fidelity - now that I do the dishes, she won't cheat...but that's only a facade since there is NOTHING you can do to stop a partner from choosing to cheat.

vatoloco posted 5/16/2017 18:12 PM

FRIEND YHGTBKM
I admire him for his firmness in this terrible situation that he has to live, but what surprises me most is the bad attitude of his unfaithful wife. How can she continue in Spain, very calm with her lover? I think any person with common sense, before the discovery, would immediately have taken a plane to return.
His wife is a serial cheater, there is no other explanation, besides continuing to lie even when it has been discovered.
My greetings to you and take care of your daughter that in her she will find the tranquility of spirit in front of so bitter moment.
greetings and hugs

thatbpguy posted 5/16/2017 19:06 PM

vatoloco, that has shocked me as well. I would have thought she'd be on the first plane home and working to R as best she could.

I have to admire YHGTBKM. He's just watching her continue the betrayal and balancing a 14 year old daughter who may be wondering why mom isn't back as well.

vatoloco posted 5/16/2017 19:40 PM

Friend thatbpguy

That just amazes me, she continues to party with her OM and has the impudence of asking her to speak to clarify things to her BS. If this story had told me anyone would not believe it.
It is seen that she wants to continue the party and trusts to return to her husband that was only a mistake, an accident, as all the cheaters say.

thatbpguy posted 5/16/2017 19:45 PM

Agreed. This is far far worse than I ever thought. I feel poorly for the daughter. At 14 this can be devastating. How can the WW ever make amends for this?

wordsofwisdom posted 5/16/2017 20:32 PM

vatoloco, it seems she is (and probably was) just a gold digger.

breadfruit1 posted 5/16/2017 23:41 PM

She has however forgotten to turn off her phones location device which tells me they moved on from Barcelona, North where she attempted to use the credit cards to book into resort and then obviously paid cash at a very nice 4*. They have since started moving NW towards what I assume is loverboys home town

It is amazing that in spite of the fact that they now know that the affair is no longer a secret and that her access to credit cards and money has been cut off, that she is still the one paying for stuff with her limited funds? Is her AP that clueless, or financially strapped that he has not stepped up to the plate to be of assistance in caring, being considerate or just plain and simply gentlemanly knowing he is part of the reason all this has happened? I hope she is at least paying some attention to his attitude.

She went really low in her choice of an AP and this speaks volumes about her own self respect and self esteem. I can see how AP might see her as a means to an end with regards to a divorce settlement where he is just salivating for her $$$ settlement. Well unbeknownst to him YHGTBKM took care to prevent all of this happening with an iron clad prenup.

breadfruit1 posted 5/16/2017 23:43 PM

She has however forgotten to turn off her phones location device which tells me they moved on from Barcelona, North where she attempted to use the credit cards to book into resort and then obviously paid cash at a very nice 4*. They have since started moving NW towards what I assume is loverboys home town

It is amazing that in spite of the fact that they now know that the affair is no longer a secret and that her access to credit cards and money has been cut off, that she is still the one paying for stuff with her limited funds? Is her AP that clueless, or financially strapped that he has not stepped up to the plate to be of assistance in caring, being considerate or just plain and simply gentlemanly knowing he is part of the reason all this has happened? I hope she is at least paying some attention to his attitude.

She went really low in her choice of an AP and this speaks volumes about her own self respect and self esteem. I can see how AP might see her as a means to an end with regards to a divorce settlement where he is just salivating for her $$$ settlement. Well unbeknownst to him YHGTBKM took care to prevent all of this happening with an iron clad prenup.

Shotintheheart posted 5/17/2017 01:29 AM

Sounds like Monolo wanted a sugar mama. Since you aren't paying for their fling anymore, he'll salsa his way into someone elses vank account. Your daughter will know the truth.

Welcome. My apologies for having to be here. You are amoungst friends and fellow emotional and psychological amputee.

I see the affect of this on your daughter is a sore spot. I hope I can offer comfort and assurance. My parents split when I was 3. My dad was rock solid. A disciplinarian, a hard ass and OCD, but we could count on him. No lies, took care of us, even a sibling whoms bloodline he questioned. Mostly he never spoke ill of her to us. Only stated facts. I love my mom. But she made some poor choices in the early years. She also verbally ran him.into.the ground at times. There was about a 5-6 yr period we could barely bring ourselves to spend 1/2 at her place at Christmas (in our 20's).

Point being, throughout our angsty teenage years, threats to our boyfriends,never buying us the right shampoo, we knew he was our rock. With your daughter being 14, the natural teenage angst that comes with it coupled with this divorce is going to be a rough ride. She will remember your integretity I promise

[This message edited by Shotintheheart at 2:12 AM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

Trtroles posted 5/17/2017 02:47 AM

You are my hero.

You and your daughter deserve so much better.

Cheating wife lost a good husband. She can have her loverboy.

Lalagirl posted 5/17/2017 06:20 AM

Well unbeknownst to him YHGTBKM took care to prevent all of this happening with an iron clad prenup.

And as soon as he is made aware of said iron clad prenup, he'll throw her under the bus so fast she won't know whether she's coming or going.

As Shotintheheart said:

Sounds like Monolo wanted a sugar mama. Since you aren't paying for their fling anymore, he'll salsa his way into someone elses vank account.

Western posted 5/17/2017 06:51 AM

when does she return to town, Y ?

Have you started to make the preparations for when she tries to walk into your house ? Did you speak to your attorney about shutting her out ?

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/17/2017 07:22 AM

Wow. Just wow.

I'm also concerned about your DD in this. I'm glad that you've been honest with her but you need to find some professional support for her as well. She will have a lot of feelings stirred up in this that she is still too young to really cope with. Therapy will give her a safe space and crucially one that is not associated with either of her parents so that she can discuss what's happening.

My kids were 12, 14 and 16 on DDay 1, --13, 15 and 17 on DDay 2 when I filed. I dragged the younger two into therapists offices during our year of trying to stay together and throughout the time of the divorce process. My oldest resisted but this year he has also seen a therapist and the difference is huge.

Normally kids grow up and slowly realize that their parent's aren't perfect and grapple with that reality. In one fell swoop your daughter has had the scales forced from her eyes and that is a difficult moment. And to have a dramatic family break up on top...well. It's a lot to contend with. Absolutely continue to be honest with her and allow her to answer questions but please be careful to not embellish with your feelings towards your STBXW.

DarkHoleHeart posted 5/17/2017 07:30 AM

please be careful to not embellish with your feelings towards your STBXW.

I know that it is generally not recommended to communicate your real feelings to the kids, but doesn't it kind of sends them message "It's quite OK, daddy was not hurt, they just divorced" (not that "just divorced" is not painful enough)
It looks like kids should know that what their mother did is a bad bad thing.

AffairofPast posted 5/17/2017 09:41 AM

YHGTBKM,

I have a question to all, "Why are you surprised the WW is on one hand "crying/begging" to the BS & partly DD that she wants to come home & explain vs. she is full bore with OM on vacation and still continuing the A, as if getting caught means nothing at all?

I will say because most betrayed are in a rational state, and the Wayward's are in a Affair Fog state. No one here will be able to rationally explain away the actions of someone who is in every sense is "Nuts" at least at present is temporarily insane.

Just reading the posts I have about the WS doing stuff knowing it's slowly killing the BS, and not showing any real feeling or caring what harm they are causing.

Hell I have experienced it myself, the WS for the most part are never really that clever; it's why most get caught. They are too blind to the feeling they get from the affair to see what is really going on around them.

Sorry to say your WW will continue the A because she has nothing any more to loose. She will/has rationalized this in her head that what she is doing is justified. Forget she also knows that she is making a conscious decision to lie to her H and DD.

When, she comes back. She will first say it was a mistake. When that doesn't work, She will lash out at you, and tell you "state what ever reason" is why she deserved the A, because you weren't there.

When you don't buy into that, this is when it will turn bad. You have done well now, but you need to be prepared. The person in front of you is not the person pre-A. Protect DD from this, your W will use her as a pawn, without any regards to future damage she is causing. She is fighting for her lively-hood, desperate to keep the comfort she expects.

You don't need to respond to this, but just because it looks from posts you have it together, I have been there, you are human, remember you are still processing this, and even after D, you will still go through a range of emotions that you will not be able to control.

BTW IMO, it's obvious OM is a self-centered, amoral douche bag; he will throw her away when the gravy/money train ends. He has done this before, he will do it again. No thought should be wasted on him, he's a player, nothing more. Your wife is about to receive are very hard life lesson.

twisted posted 5/17/2017 10:42 AM

YHGTBKM,
truly one of the more bizarre stories in awhile. When is she expected home? I'd love to hear this story. Do you think she understands about the prenup? Do you think she thinking she might as well enjoy the vacation and will try to patch it up later with you, or is she thinking it's over, enjoy myself, and get a big settlement later?

Maybe she's just having one last blaze of glory before she takes her inevitable crash.
Do you think she has stashed away a little seperate bank account somewhere to pay for this, or does Carlos have any money?
Trying to make sense of it, either she thinks she can fix it, or is counting on a divorce settlement, or is thinking Carlos has mooney.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/17/2017 13:02 PM

I

know that it is generally not recommended to communicate your real feelings to the kids, but doesn't it kind of sends them message "It's quite OK, daddy was not hurt, they just divorced" (not that "just divorced" is not painful enough)
It looks like kids should know that what their mother did is a bad bad thing.

There is a huge difference between "Mommy has done something to hurt daddy very badly. She has had a boyfriend and that is not acceptable in a marriage" to "Mommy has been fucking some guy for a few months and is now on holiday with him fucking him some more."

By all means explain that your wife has been unfaithful and that is not acceptable to you. All kids need an explanation of why a marriage/family has broken down and in the absence of one, will fill in blanks that they've some how contributed to it. It's imperative to tell her that basic fact. But, no you do not need to give sexual details and anything inappropriate to have in her head. Be prepared to answer questions that she may have but try to keep out your own feelings and opinions other then the basic facts. It is vital that your DD has someone who is truthful with her, but no kid really wants the sexual details ever and you do not want to pit her against her mother because both parents are important to children, as they should be.

That won't mean that she won't be angry, she almost certainly will, and she may go through a period of acting out on that, but that's why IC is so important.

YHGTBKM posted 5/17/2017 14:09 PM

@twisted;


She is due to arrive home on the 26th. She understands the prenuptial agreement as it has been updated over the years (really a post nuptial at this point). I'm not really sure what she is thinking. I guess she is relying on my previous unwavering trust in her and that she will be able to talk her self out of this situation. Who really knows, I thought I knew her, but obviously not.


There is no big settlement. She gets a one time payment and support for recurrent training in her profession (nursing) which she will make a very good wage. She is only 37 (just turned) so she has ample time to support herself.


My lawyer is suggesting a "top up" payment to her retirement plan would have good optics, so I am considering it.


As for her vacation, I think there are two issues; one she's been caught so the damage is done; two I won't let her come home (at least pay for it) and even if she did, I will not see her. She knows me well enough that I will not acquiesce in this at all.


Loverboy has no money at all. His reported income was below the poverty line, so his motives are obvious, to me at least. He has a bachelor apartment in a rougher part if town. No vehicle, lives month to month. A real keeper. What see saw in him is beyond me. He is glad with a ponytail, has a gut, no obvious muscle.


The very fact that she chose to sleep with someone so vastly below my standards for what she should be dating makes my skin crawl.


She may have hidden away some money. Looking over bank statements, she has spent more money than usual and had some larger than normal withdrawals but not enough that would set anyone up for any length of time.


It will be interesting to see what her weeks old rehearsed story will be.


I've made it clear that I will not see her in person until after she provides a written confession c/w timeline.


My daughter and I will be in Hawaii when she returns so I will have a couple of days to review her Shakespearean story and formulate a response.

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