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Hindsight

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StillStanding1 posted 5/17/2017 14:45 PM

I am sitting here shaking my head. It is hard to fathom what your WW was/is thinking. Unfathomable. You have my respect for the way you've handled this. She's screwed up her life in epic proportions. I'm just sorry that you and your DD will suffer as well. Infidelity has an enormous impact on the whole family. I'm glad your DD has your housekeeper to talk to, but please, I know you can afford the best IC. Please consider it. My kids suffered emotional fallout for years post-Dday. Even though they appeared to be and said they were "fine". It's a lot to process and will shape her thinking about relationships going forward. Your WW has betrayed her too. I know your DD will experience many conflicting emotions. It will help her to work through them with a professional. Much better than the input from teenage friends who she will likely look to for support.

A slight t/j for other JFOers: it should be taken into consideration that this OP learned of the infidelity 4 months before posting here. One reason I believe he was so successful in executing his response, is that he had adequate time to investigate and plan. I know not everyone can put on a "game face" while not disclosing their discovery, but I think this is a textbook example for how it can be beneficial. Food for thought. If you can hold off confrontation while you cement your findings and get your ducks in a row, you may get an express ticket out of infidelity. This doesn't make the pain any less, of course. Infidelity is a deep wound. End t/j

Best to you, YHGTBKM and your DD.

thatbpguy posted 5/17/2017 15:00 PM

In addition, by keeping his WW completely at arms length (as opposed to attempts at R), he controls it better for his DD. There will be consistency and that will provide stability. Very well handled indeed.

twisted posted 5/17/2017 15:04 PM

YHGTBKM,
The only logical answer is she knows she's toast, so she might as well enjoy it for another week while it last.
Again, I commend you on your patience and handling of an ugly situation in your life.
I think you are the envy of every betrayed spouse here.
Be sure and update us as to her story (if she has one), I can't wait to hear it.

wordsofwisdom posted 5/17/2017 15:15 PM

YHGTBKM, I understand your desire to go nuclear and try to punish your soon-to-be ex-wife. I understand your anger.

But my personal experience and my knowledge tell me that the best way to proceed is to stop seeking justice and focus on yourself.

I don't mean to stop taking care about technical aspects of your divorce and future custody. I mean your emotional focus – the focus which is now gravitating towards your wife instead of turning around your own emotions – emotions of a betrayed but honest man who begins of his new, single life. Please don't let this emotional trauma unaddressed.

I wonder why do you need her written confession? She lacks honesty, and her honeymoon will not make it any better. I promise you: it will be not what you expect, and you may feel differently about it than what you expect of yourself now.

Your wife is gone, and your marriage was killed by her betrayal.But you have a wonderful daughter. You have a job you adore. You have your life to live ahead of you. Try not to poison these precious gifts with revenge and anger. While being stuck in this situation technically, I wish you can start moving forward deep down your heart.

Send you my best wishes.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 3:19 PM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

twisted posted 5/17/2017 15:22 PM

If I understand correctly, the written confession would make the divorce / infidelity prenup clause a slam-dunk. Quick and as painless as possible.

keptmyword posted 5/17/2017 19:04 PM

But here is something I have learned in my 60 years. Just as it takes 2 people to make a marriage, it takes the same 2 to create a betrayal.

Let's be clear here.

There is nothing about a marriage, no problem, no issue, no "thing", or any aspect that renders an adult, married woman or man incapable of knowing fundamental right from wrong.

No one, I repeat, no one, is compelled by any other to betray trust.

Lalagirl posted 5/18/2017 09:13 AM

Let's be clear here.

There is nothing about a marriage, no problem, no issue, no "thing", or any aspect that renders an adult, married woman or man incapable of knowing fundamental right from wrong.

No one, I repeat, no one, is compelled by any other to betray trust.

Truth!

thatbpguy posted 5/18/2017 09:19 AM

Let's be clear here.

There is nothing about a marriage, no problem, no issue, no "thing", or any aspect that renders an adult, married woman or man incapable of knowing fundamental right from wrong.

No one, I repeat, no one, is compelled by any other to betray trust.

I penned those words very poorly. Not really what I meant. That said, so many people jumped me for it I decided to let them just be there. I, as much as anyone here, am all too well acquainted with being betrayed beyond measure and with little reason. So I decided to take the beat down from the self righteous like a man. I suppose I deserve it.

So my apologies for such a poor rendition of my thoughts. Feel free to blast away.


[This message edited by thatbpguy at 9:21 AM, May 18th (Thursday)]

william posted 5/18/2017 10:44 AM

Why not just hire a private we to track them for a day or two. Isn't hard to track people in Europe where we have to hand in passports when we stay in a hotel. Any decent pi has access to or can get access to that data. I know a few in Europe due to job connections and this would be an easy 500 euro job for them. Photos, hotel registrations, you name it.

For that matter wouldn't her texts qualify?

Why a "confession" paper? Just to help you assimilate it?

keptmyword posted 5/18/2017 11:55 AM

So my apologies for such a poor rendition of my thoughts. Feel free to blast away.

Thatbpguy,

I didn't comment with the intent of blasting you or beating you down on your comment.

I honestly really worried that you may have felt some responsibility in the betrayal you experienced.

One of the key points that got me through this shitshow is knowing that there is nothing I did to compel my XWW's betrayal and that I did not deserve it - no one deserves to have their vow-given trust betrayed.

I hope you are certain of this because, even though I don't know your story, I know you did not deserve to have your trust betrayed and you are not responsible for your XWW's behavior.

Apologies if it seemed I was coming down on you.

End of thread-jack.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
YHGTBKM,

I've been reading.

Well done sir.

You have maintained your integrity and held fast to your values from the moment you were blindsided with this discovery.

To me, one of the most painful aspects of this betrayal is how it affects any children involved.

Many times, children will watch the betrayed parent abandon their values and dignity while mired in emotional pain, fear, and anger.

You have maintained calm, your integrity, and your authenticity.

And, you have done it all in front of your daughter.

As incredibly painful as this very likely is to her, what she has seen from you during this incredibly difficult time will serve her well during her life and the hard times that we all encounter.

My best to you and your daughter.

It will get better.

sassylee posted 5/18/2017 12:29 PM

Bpguy - self righteous or simply experienced members who know newbies are reading here and should not be encouraged to assume any responsibility for the affair? I don't read that as sanctimony, and you might want to examine why you do...

wk55hn posted 5/18/2017 12:48 PM

In a longer-term marriage with no significant issues, usually the breakdown is the routine-ness (even a new vacation spot 3-4 times a year becomes routine as opposed to the excitement of puppy love).

I had a similar on a somewhat smaller scale, and I saw this time and again here, where the "attraction" was the zeal of being chased, and the engendered feeling of being "adored" and/or "cherished" and/or the lavishness of the attention. Also, largely in big talk and not much action. My wife sent rent money to my loser. I used to tell her I can't decide which I was more angry about, that she betrayed me, or that she picked such a loser to do it. If she already had me, but I wasn't enough, and this guy was the one she wanted, what the heck did she think about me? Fortunately, I never lacked for self esteem, but still a bit of a shock with the comparison.

But the truth is, we complimented her, and said the right things, but not every single time we spoke (like other man) and after 18 years, spouses don't chase after each other that way, or at least I've never seen it. The affair partners and the cheating spouses in many of these affairs, feed off each other until they start to believe their own shit.

The guy in my situation, I think he cared for my wife, but definitely he was working an angle, too. I looked into his background and he wasn't a scammer, just a dope.

As for my wife, she wanted to believe in Santa Claus, so she didn't think of the guy as just an old unkempt poor fat man like everyone seemed to.

midnightschild99 posted 5/19/2017 16:41 PM

Bump

Deserta posted 5/19/2017 17:19 PM

YHGTBKM
To be honest I did not read all of the posts on this thread and don't know if anyone pointed out to you another member with similar circumstances. Go to the profiles (any) and search for TurnOtherCheek.

She is a strong professional woman that also went nuclear on her spouse when she discovered his affair. Travel was involved.

WhatsRight posted 5/19/2017 22:00 PM

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. I'm also so sorry for what your daughter is facing.

I have to honestly say that I don't understand the action of facilitating her journey abroad and cutting off her funds, as opposed to just "disabling" the trip.

It just seems vengeful. And a bit controlling. You have been betrayed in a horrible way. But your actions seem a bit like...as if to say, "I may not be able to control your decisions, but I can punish you in a particularly harsh, premeditated way".

I also don't understand the constant reference to (my words) "taking her to the cleaners" financially. This all just sounds like basic, raw, revenge.

Don't get me wrong. Her behavior is reprehensible, and she is going to pay the price (no pun intended) by losing your love, and her marriage. This "that will show her" attitude seems unnecessarily harsh.

I am thrilled for you that you are so successful and financially comfortable. I'm sure you have worked very hard for what you have. But if you have so much, why is it so important to be so bent on "cutting her off". This is your daughter's mother, and even though you seem to have a lovely relationship with her, and have handled conversations with her very well, I fear your actions may have gone too far in her eyes, if not in yours.

I must say that I agree with what Bigger has said - mostly regarding the significance of sending someone off across the globe unprepared. And to seem to enjoy it so much.

Also, I have to add that I want to support you in your pain and your journey to survive this horrible situation...which you did not ask for or deserve in any way. But there seems to be a big focus on spite here.

And I love this site. I spend way too much time reading and posting here. And I am a bit surprised at the cheers and "Way to go"s from the majority of posters.

I read here that some of the "cheering you on" comes from others who, looking back, wish they had handled their experiences differently than they did. I understand that. I do. I guess I am just more comfortable with stories of...."What crazy stuff did you imagine you would do to your WS?" than with this level of actual consequence. And the joy it seems to bring so many. To be so joyful at the demise of someone's life. There are lots of WS here who faced well deserved consequences for their choices, but they are still people, and do not need to be completely vilified.

I wouldn't blame you in the least if you absolutely do not consider R. She is going to lose her good husband, her marriage, her stability with her daughter, and her extent of lifestyle. She deserves that, if that is what you choose.

But all this trip drama seems simply....I don't know......mean.

I realize it is an understatement to say that I am in the minority here, so I will stay away so as not to spoil the communications.

I just wanted to offer another view. I hope my opinions have not been offensive. That was not my intention.

My best hopes and prayers for you and your daughter through this hard, hard experience.

sassylee posted 5/19/2017 22:20 PM

I get it Whatsright - OP has provided what's sounds like a very comfortable lifestyle for his W and she uses his finances to fund a lavish trip with her AP with his money...the difference between OP and the many other freshly betrayed BS's here is that OP has the financial means to do what others only wish they could do.

The important thing to note is that he has not left her destitute in Spain - he ensured she had enough money to food and reasonable accommodations - he simply decided he wasn't going to fund her intended 5 star hotel plans with AP. Hes decided not to pay for AP's sight seeing and spa treatments.

Why shouldn't he allow his W to reap the consequences of her choices? Why should he continue to fund her selfishness once they D? She knew about the pre nup - there's no trickery in that...would you want your husband to live lavishly one your hard earned dime so he can keep sleeping around?

OP has decided to not wait for Karma to make her eventual visit to his WW - he booked her in advance...

[This message edited by sassylee at 10:21 PM, May 19th (Friday)]

WhatsRight posted 5/19/2017 22:42 PM

I understand.....I do.

And I'm not judging. Yes, I agree that she has to face consequences for her actions. What she has done is reprehensible.

And it's true - he did not leave her penniless.

I am not trying to criticize - I feel so bad for him and his daughter.

I just feel sad to see so many people "rejoice" in another's pain, even when it is deserved.

I appreciate your comments.

GoldenR posted 5/20/2017 00:37 AM

I think that everything that's happening to YHGTBKM's wife is deserved. I mean, she funded OM's trip to Europe with family money, for Christ's sake! Let her see what life would be like living with OM without Y's money, even though she is still using, yes, Y's money. And she could've come home immediately upon finding out. Did she? Nope...She chose to stay with OM and struggle financially, all the while texting & calling about her "mistake" and "accident."

Barf.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 12:38 AM, May 20th (Saturday)]

pennyx posted 5/20/2017 05:57 AM

I think that YHGTBKM is being most generous with his hard earned money and his love which his WW has so cruely spent and abandoned.

Perhaps not his intention, but the test of her remorse could have been her cancelling her trip at the point of discovery and coming home to try to repair. Aparently WW isn't too bothered by his actions. WW didn't even care enough to discontinue her tryst and continues her acts of abuse and cruelty toward YHGTBKM and their daughter.

She is perpetrating crimes that she will not suffer from punitive action through our courts systems. I think he went above and beyond gereousity. She already knew with the pre-nup there would be consequences if there was infidelity. So in reality, she accepted that and deserves what she gets. He cut her off just like she cut him off with her AP.

YHGTBKM's actions weren't even that of indifference. He did not abandon her, he gave her a stipend to survive. She always had the option to change her ticket and turn around and come back. "Mean" - I think what she did was malevolent, atrocious and depraved.

tooanalytical posted 5/20/2017 08:07 AM

Just a quick thought on Deserta's comment

"TurnOtherCheek is a strong professional woman that also went nuclear on her spouse when she discovered his affair. Travel was involved."

IMO, neither TurnOtherCheek or YHGTBKM went nuclear on their spouses. It is the wayward who nuked the M. What is different about them is that didn't stand around confused in the rubble that was their M. While many BS choose to rebuild in the rubble, they chose to walk away and find a better foundation to build their life upon.

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