Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Hindsight

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23

sassylee posted 5/22/2017 08:23 AM

His money vs their money...I get what's being said and how the way I said it was wrong.

In my sitch - we are a pay cheque to pay cheque family. As a teacher, my employer withholds a portion of every cheque to return to me in July so I don't starve during the summer. It's a significant amount. My H bought his ow a bag a pot as a birthday present when my money came in. I was furious - that he took money I earned and spent it on her. It would have felt different if he'd done it with his tips or his pay - even though my money was his and his money was mine...

I have to wonder - a SAHM to a 12 year old - I'm going to venture a guess that the child is not homeschooled and ygtbkm mentioned a nanny...I doubt in his situation H and W were contributing equally to the family. So maybe legally it's their money - but the wife sounds like an entitled taker even if we call the hard earned dime family money.

[This message edited by sassylee at 8:24 AM, May 22nd (Monday)]

longsadstory1952 posted 5/22/2017 09:13 AM

The Y man has been radio silent for 8 days. We live in a community property country. The courts will sort it out for him.

There are others on this site that need help. Just saying.

Lalagirl posted 5/22/2017 09:50 AM

Y has an attorney; he has explained more than once how he has been advised by said attorney and has explained the entire situation.

IMHO, this has turned into a legal debate and Y is likely not interested in that.

In addition, his STBXWW is coming back to the states on the 26th; he is probably quite busy preparing - emotionally and legally. I think it's safe to say that he's conferring with counsel on a regular basis.

Y...if you're still reading - just sending a hello and hope that you're doing well. In spite of you likely being busy as hell, hope you have some time for some respite before the shit hits the fan. Continuing to send positive thoughts and strength.

13YearsR posted 5/22/2017 11:20 AM

I hope he's at Disneyland or in Hawaii enjoying time with his daughter before the shit hits the fan.

YHGTBKM posted 5/22/2017 13:42 PM

Just checking in and getting caught-up. I appreciate everyone's concerns and comments. As for legalities, and what advice newer people should follow, I would suggest that everyone, seek legal council to be sure that the steps you are taking are sound.

For the more fainter of heart people here, I have not broken any law and have not stranded/deserted her. She had enough money to live, albeit in a more frugal means than she is accustom. I have consulted with a lawyer prior to each and every step I have taken, albeit some advice I have ignored or chose to go further than she would have liked but everything to-date has been manageable.

My STBEXW has long ago, given up her rights to my property, and in-fact we would not have been married or cohabited at all with out it. Furthermore, I have satisfied legal requirements for temporary housing, while in transition, for her.

I have everything I need and I am ready for the arrival of my wife this Friday.

As for current circumstances, she is now alone, and has been reaching out to fiends, lamenting her mistakes and situation. I have been forwarded some texts and information, all of which is further evidence of her unfaithfulness.

This week will be interesting to say the least.


Lalagirl posted 5/22/2017 13:53 PM

As for current circumstances, she is now alone, and has been reaching out to fiends, lamenting her mistakes and situation. I have been forwarded some texts and information, all of which is further evidence of her unfaithfulness.

Oh, I'll bet she's lamenting her ass off. Having Fantastyskittlerainbowfartland close before the season is over is a huge fucking disappointment.

Sorry, I'm normally not the snarky type, but she deserves every hit that comes her way.

How are YOU doing? How's DD?

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:53 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

YHGTBKM posted 5/22/2017 14:46 PM

@lalagirl,

I am doing well thanks. My daughter is angry at her mom and a little uncertain of the future.

We had a discussion on what would probably happen when she returns and she understands that it will never be the same.

Our relationship has grown stronger which has been a great by product. She has said that she wants to stay home with me. She told her mom the same thing which caused hysterics, which her reply was "this is all your fault so stop crying", perhaps she has more of me in her than I could have known.

Alchemy posted 5/22/2017 14:50 PM

Oh, I'll bet she's lamenting her ass off. Having Fantastyskittlerainbowfartland close before the season is over is a huge fucking disappointment.

I wish one could "like" posts on this site. I'm sure yours would get quite a few, LaLagirl.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/22/2017 14:59 PM

Oh, I'll bet she's lamenting her ass off. Having Fantastyskittlerainbowfartland close before the season is over is a huge fucking disappointment.

^^^^^Like button pressed!!

I'm glad that you've been upfront with your DD but you all are still in the early days of this shit storm. It's hardest on the children who can't divorce their parents and I'm in no way suggesting an immediate rapprochement between the two of them (your DD and your STBXW) but ultimately she needs both of her parents. It's a long way off, but it's important for you to keep in mind on some level.

My kids were in various stages of anger with their father for a long time, again, therapy really helped them discuss that in a neutral setting. It would serve your DD well to be able to have that space as well.

Ponus18 posted 5/22/2017 15:06 PM

Not surprised re: DD.

I held off on telling my then 12 year old son the reason we were divorcing, and he split time 50/50 between our homes when she moved out (when he was 13). I told him the truth about his mother a few months ago (he's nearly 16 now) - not every single detail - she had dozens of affairs and it wasn't necessary for him to know all. But he knows that it was more than one anyway. Bottom line is literally the next day he was due to go to her house, which was a few days after I told him the truth, he texted me within 10 minutes of arriving to say he wanted to leave there. He hasn't slept at her house since - 2 months and counting.

She is devastated I'm told. Karma's a bitch ain't it...

And my son is very happy living with me and just seeing her for lunch or dinner here or there. And my son and I are as close as ever.

Stevesn posted 5/22/2017 15:07 PM

YHGTBKM

As many here I co tinue to be impressed by you.

So glad you have had this time with your DD. It will definitely pay off

I was just wondering how do you now know WW is now alone? Did you hire someone to watch her?

Take care.

WhatsRight posted 5/22/2017 16:22 PM

Thinking of both of you as Friday approaches.

anoka posted 5/22/2017 17:10 PM

I have been forwarded some texts and information, all of which is further evidence of her unfaithfulness.

Who is helping you gather up evidence like this?

I know that you are still holding a lot of shit in right now. You are keeping a cork on most of your emotions so that you are able to function and do the things you believe are right for you. I applaud your actions to this point and admire your courage.

And you are working on healing whether it feels like it or not. As you sort through this emotional bomb in the coming weeks & months you will know that you took the path you strongly believed was correct. You will know that, even in your time of great need, you were there for your daughter. You held up during the tremendous emotional pressure your WW's betrayal caused and did the right things. As you continue to truly detach from her you will begin to find your way toward healing and peace. Find a good counselor, and be kind to yourself.

MickeyBill2016 posted 5/22/2017 17:40 PM

She told her mom the same thing which caused hysterics, which her reply was "this is all your fault so stop crying", perhaps she has more of me in her than I could have known.

You (and your wife) have raised a very wise and observant child.
I am sure that when W returns there will be a litany of reasons, excuse, apologies, justifications for her actions flowing from her mouth.

Just print out what your DD said on 50 3x5 cards and hand one to your WW whenever she breaks down and cries or if she pleads for R.

Good luck on Friday...maybe you aren't the one who needs luck....

rambler posted 5/22/2017 20:46 PM

As far as the home and possibly other pre marital assets you are more than likely fine.

If your WW gets a good attorney you have opened yourself to custody and maintenance issues.

rambler posted 5/22/2017 20:46 PM

As far as the home and possibly other pre marital assets you are more than likely fine.

If your WW gets a good attorney you have opened yourself to custody and maintenance issues.

rambler posted 5/22/2017 20:54 PM

Drumlins

Good research but I am not talking about what OP has done in the last week.

OP knew of the affair for four plus months. During that time he did not confront nor prevent the affair. He willing allowed her to cohabitate. E did not lock her out. He did not cancel the credit cards. He allowed her to meet with him at least twice a week during this time.

If he had sexual relations after he knew she had the affair, he will have a big issue.

Drumstick posted 5/22/2017 22:24 PM

Rambler,

I don't want this thread to continue to devolve into legal discussion. So, I am going to say the following, and let it be.

First, his daughter is at, or close to, the age in most states where she decides what parent she wants to live with. So, unless YHGTBKM is an unfit parent, the court will likely take her opinion into consideration. As noted just above, his daughter has already said she would like to live with YHGTBKM.

The maintenance issues you mentioned should be covered in the pre-nup. Many times this will consist of a one-time payout, especially in the case of infidelity, and this payout will should be in line with what the WW would statutorily receive, minus the punitive amount taken away for the infidelity. In fact, if you look a few pages back, YHGTBKM mentioned that his STBXW will walk away with this one-time payment, without additional maintenance. This one-time payment was agreed to when she got married.

As for the forgiveness, it matters little that YHGTBKM found out a few months ago about the infidelity and continued to cohabitate with his WW. Condonation, or forgiveness, is an affirmative defense to a divorce filed under adultery.

YHGTBKM is not going to file under adultery, he is going to file no-fault, which doesn't give a shit about the reasons for the divorce, or any affirmative defenses to the divorce. No-fault divorces care about equitable distribution of the marital assets, and divide those marital assets equitably, according to the statutes, unless the parties have agreed to divide marital assets differently, such as by contract (e.g., a prenuptial agreement). So here the marital assets will be divided according to their pre-nup, which according to YHGTBKM will be a one-time payment due to her infidelity. She cannot raise an affirmative defense to the infidelity, and she will have to walk away with more or less what she contractually agreed to. In the instance she bitches, I'm sure YHGTBKM can sweeten the pot a little for her to make her go away.

As far as the facts are concerned, over the course of the last four months I see YHGTBKM learning that she cheated, confirmed her cheating, gathered evidence to enact the infidelity clause, and then enacted his right to divorce. Just because she continued to cohabitate with YHGTBKM, he failed to cancel credit cards, failed to lock her out, etc., means little because he was in confirmation and evidence gathering mode. Unless you walked in on your wife, I'm sure you understand it takes time to gather evidence of cheating. I'm sure you also understand that gathering enough, proper evidence to meet the evidentiary standard in a court of law takes time, and four months of faking it is not a long time in the scheme of things.

Trtroles posted 5/23/2017 06:45 AM

You are my hero.

Lalagirl posted 5/23/2017 07:24 AM

her reply was "this is all your fault so stop crying",

OMG, I love your DD and don't even know her!

It's sad, however, that your DD has to "parent" your STBXWW as if talking to a petulant child. But it is what it is, and your DD handled it beautifully and tactfully. I'm sure your DD will have much more to say to her in due time.

I'm pretty certain that your DD can live with whomever she wishes given her age. I sure hope so, for I fear if custody were awarded to her mom, she may run away.

Keep on keeping on, Y...may you have some semblance of peace over the next couple of days as you prepare for her highness to come home. Maybe you should sage-smudge your house for good measure

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy