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Hindsight

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TimSC posted 6/1/2017 15:59 PM

After the the constant lies, deceptions, planning, and physical betrayals for months on end, I cannot imagine how some husbands can even consider wanting to continue a marriage with a cheater.

You have set the example of how to handle a cheater in my book. Well done. Also very well done with the way you have explained the situation to your daughter. She seems to take after her Dad.

How long does final divorce take where you reside?

Tigersrule77 posted 6/1/2017 20:22 PM

Y, it seems you are taking this quite well, all things considered. The focus of the forum seems to be on your STBXWW's reaction. I know like many others, I was curious to hear how it would go.

How are things going for you? Are your friends supportive? Any thing that you need for yourself?

In my experience, at times, it is easier to focus on others and just "get by", but it didn't help me heal. It's OK to focus on yourself, not just your daughter.

TimSC posted 6/4/2017 20:35 PM

Are you still here? Any changes?

YHGTBKM posted 6/4/2017 23:10 PM

So the results of the past week were very satisfying and a little infuriating.

The divorce will proceed uncontested. She gets the condo and the cash settlement ($220K). The cash payment was based upon a figure of $50k per year of marriage which put her at $800k, less the value of the condo. A funny part was she forgot her jewelry and gifts, which in the terms of the dissolution are now technically mine. She remembered them the day after and was told by my attorney that she should appeal to my good nature...lol. I guess she figured that she didn't need to differentiate "her" property from what she was getting from me.

I haven't decided what to do with them yet, but I am thinking of selling them and giving the money to my daughter. She mentioned that she was being nice and she could be entitled to a lot more and that I could even be prosecuted for illegally baring her from her house. I asked her if she would care to renegotiate, followed by these words; trust, deceit, abandonment, risk, theft, shall I go on? She hung her head and didn't say anything further.

I thought I knew everything that she had to say about her involvement, sexually and romantically with Carolos, but I was wrong. They first started having sex in July of last year, which means almost a calendar year, I though it was much shorter. I guess I missed a number of red flags. They had unprotected sex from their first tryst (I have been tested and I am negative). She arranged for them to have sex with a prostitute in a threesome. They also had a few MFM threesomes with a friend of his, again unprotected. She estimates that she spent some $30k on him over the year, which I deducted from the payout.

She admitted that she had sex with me after having sex with him in the same day, which made me physically ill. She admitted that they exchanged "I love you" and had made plans to live together. I learned that most of these plans were prompted by Carlos but she bought the plans, hook line and sinker. Sex in cars, my house, my bed, overnight stays in my house while I was away, sneaking him in after my daughter went to bed. Quick resort stays (1 -2 days) while I was away for work.

She said that she had no real reason for it, other than she was mad at me for being away so often and she liked the attention. she said that she wasn't attracted to him, and that the sex was mediocre (then why continue?)

We met at my attorney's office to finalize the docs and review the go-forward action plan. For example, what happens with my daughter when I travel etc. Then she dropped a bomb and said she would forego the entire settlement if I agreed to continued communication and 1 date night per week. My answer was how do you want your money, which solicited hysteria.

I did quite a bit of reading and came to the conclusion that this might not be an isolated incident so I decided to mess with her a bit after everything was signed. I said that I trusted her implicitly over the years but this incident has caused me to re-evaluate the past and that I found some "inconsistencies". She looked like a deer caught in headlights after dark. She stammered and stuttered and I reached for my files (like I was going to pull out some damning evidence) and she practically blurted out that she had a previous EA and one other PA a number of years ago, that she ended after she realized how much she loved me (awww).

She ended it a classic statement that it didn't mean anything to her, but I countered with I don't know what they mean to you but I know what they mean for us.

My daughter choose to stay with me but would like to spend every other weekend with her mom. A bit of a proud moment when she said straight faced, that these weekends were to be about her and her mom and if their time was going to be shared (with another male) then she would rather stay home.

So that is that. 16 years and starting over at 51, but I feel good about myself. I can look myself in the mirror when I shave in the morning and see a man looking back at me. Stay strong.

meridian posted 6/5/2017 00:31 AM

Nicely done ! 😀 Is he still hanging around ?

Shockedmom posted 6/5/2017 00:43 AM

Glad you were able to update. Sorry to read about additional infidelities, you are well rid of her.
Your daughter seems to be very mature for her age, I hope she continues to find her strength from you. Please allow her to visit with a therapist, her mother betrayed her as well.

Ponus18 posted 6/5/2017 06:10 AM

Welp, I can't think of a single thing you've mishandled in this mini-journey of crap these past few weeks. You've gotten yourself out of infidelity, improved your relationship with your daughter and saved a boatload of money thanks to good planning and negotiation. And not for nothing, but your story has helped an awful lot of people around here in the example you've set.

Obviously the new news about your special STBXW sucks but it must also solidify your decision. She's obviously a broken woman. I should know - she could give my XWW a run for her money (when yours hits 20 AP's come talk to me).

I'm 48 and started over at 45 and life is good! You'll find a nice, faithful woman who appreciates you and your life will be a gabillion times better. Mark my words.

I hope you stick around here and weigh in for others who will be coming along, as they always do. I think your advice and help would be particularly valuable.

Congrats again on the positive outcome.

Sanibelredfish posted 6/5/2017 08:20 AM

Well done, YHGTBKM. Best wishes finding happiness again.

Trtroles posted 6/5/2017 09:09 AM

Your life just started. Successful man,good job,house,respected,nice daughter--women are going to love you.

Dont feel bad about yourself.You should be happy because you get rid of a cheating wife.

wordsofwisdom posted 6/5/2017 10:42 AM

Glad to see you are doing great given your conditions, and sad to see your daughter has such a perverted mother.

But well, I wish you let it go and move on, YHGTBKM, and find someone in the same league, at least in terms of emotional and intellectual maturity.

Exit Wounds posted 6/5/2017 11:18 AM

Congratulations! You have my respect.

Sharkman posted 6/5/2017 12:34 PM

You are an inspiration to others coming here seeking help.

Stevesn posted 6/5/2017 14:47 PM

Great job Y. For you and your daughter.

Did she happened to say how it went down on the airplane when she realized what you had said to her and that you knew?

HopeFloats2272 posted 6/5/2017 15:05 PM

Holy shit. She's got some nerve saying she "could be entitled to a lot more..." You were more than generous considering the circumstances. I wish you peace and happiness. You deserve it.

anoka posted 6/5/2017 15:23 PM

Thank you for the update. You continue moving on the path toward healing and I think you'll be surprised how quickly you detach from WW and how much you love your new, fresh start in life.

It's really kind of strange that she still talks about the sex as "nothing special" and that the affair "meant nothing" to her. Usually the scorned WW - once she realizes it's over - is happy to toss every nasty thing possible at BH. Like how wonderful the sex was and how she's happy she is free to take up with as many other men as possible. Women know where to go to hurt a man's ego and can hit there hard as retaliation. At the time she told you these things was she still clinging to hope for more money or a chance to reconcile?

Whatever, I know there's a part of you that is badly hurt by what she did. Like I said, keep putting one foot in front of the other, literally and figuratively, and I'm confident you'll be find in not time.

[This message edited by anoka at 3:27 PM, June 5th (Monday)]

CharliB posted 6/5/2017 15:29 PM

YHGTBKM

I don't know what they mean to you but I know what they mean for us
.
That about sums up how i feel about my STBXH's affairs after finding out on Monday. It was much worse than I thought it was too! I feel for you going forward. This will be a tough one to get past.

YHGTBKM posted 6/5/2017 21:38 PM

I wanted to say that this (my reactions and stoicism) hasn't been all sunshine and roses. There has been an inordinate amount of drama, ranging from her friends, to her family and parents, blaming me for this predicament, blaming me for not caring, blaming me for ruining her life, blaming me for ruining my daughters life, all the while forgetting that I (and my daughter) were the victims.

I did and said somethings to these people that changed their perception of her (a daughter, a sibling, a friend) forever. Irrevocably.

I was ruthless towards a woman I once loved. A woman who bore my child. A woman who betrayed me so significantly that she brought out my lack of empathy for people.

I failed to mention that my STBEXW fell off the rails and stalked me (camping out in front of the house) break and enter (climbed through a window at night) and threats of custodial kidnapping, all of which are hanging over her head in terms of law enforcement, but all of which helped my position.

Last night, Loverboy even called me an scripted call where he told me it was all his fault. I am not sure what he or she thought would come of this tactic? I threatened to sue him for alienation of affection and see that he was deported....not my best.

Just know that as this has progressed I have made some mistakes, tactical and strategic, but I knew my position early on and that drove me towards and end goal.

wordsofwisdom posted 6/5/2017 22:46 PM

YHGTBKM, just want to send you my vibes of strength and kind attitude. And I wonder: do you have a family member or a friend to stay with you for a couple of weeks before the dust has settled down? I suspect your wife will change her attitude to more aggressive, destructive and desperate once she finds out that her "nice" tactic does not work.

I remember how important it was for me to find people in the real world who supported me – one was my good friend, another was my brother. They didn't change the way I acted – I also very quickly progressed to divorce and minimal possible contact – but help of these dear people changed the way I felt about myself and my decisions. And, to a large extent, they shielded me from toxic feedback of her support circle. Please think about it. I have no doubt you are phenomenally strong and mature, but it does not mean you don't need help from people that truly love you and full of trust in you.

YHGTBKM posted 6/5/2017 23:27 PM

@wordsofwisdom;

Honestly I haven't told anyone of my close friends about this as it is extremely embarrassing.

Further, I refuse to be pushed out of my marriage, my family life, my money and my house.

She is obviously grasping at straws and is acting/thinking irrationally. Her secret world, one she thought I would never find out about, has come crashing down on her head.

She has obviously been in communication with Carlos and that goes against her sworn word that hasn't had anything to do with him since Spain. Lies after lies, and at this point I cant really believe that her 'confession' was all of the story.

Morbid curiosity says I want to know the truth but practical side of me is already well beyond caring.

M1965 posted 6/6/2017 03:58 AM

YHGTBKM,

You have stuck to your values and position with admirable resilience.

There has been an inordinate amount of drama, ranging from her friends, to her family and parents, blaming me for this predicament, blaming me for not caring, blaming me for ruining her life, blaming me for ruining my daughters life, all the while forgetting that I (and my daughter) were the victims.
I did and said somethings to these people that changed their perception of her (a daughter, a sibling, a friend) forever. Irrevocably.

You summed the whole silly circus up perfectly: WW's fan club are ignoring the fact that you and your daughter were the victims here, but thanks to your strong and decisive action, you are victims no more. Your daughter could not have a better father and protector than you, and I think she has come to realise that.

I failed to mention that my STBEXW fell off the rails and stalked me (camping out in front of the house) break and enter (climbed through a window at night) and threats of custodial kidnapping, all of which are hanging over her head in terms of law enforcement, but all of which helped my position.

Document everything, install a couple of security cameras if you do not already have them, keep all recordings relating to her trying to break into the house or camping out outside it. If she keeps on with the irrational behaviour, take out a protective order against her and let her know that she may be the subject of legal action if she continues. I am sure your lawyer can give you the best advice on how to proceed. And, if appropriate, let your daughter know, particularly the threat of custodial kidnapping.

Last night, Loverboy even called me an scripted call where he told me it was all his fault. I am not sure what he or she thought would come of this tactic? I threatened to sue him for alienation of affection and see that he was deported....not my best.

Be very, very careful with anything like this. You can be set up, deliberately provoked, and recorded. If the guy tries to make contact again, tell him you have nothing to say to each other and put the phone down. Anyone in your position would feel like saying quite a lot to a guy like that, who feels it's fine to intrude in other peoples' marriages and families, but I have one piece of advice. DON'T !!! You never know what is being recorded (particularly with calls that sound scripted), so if he tries to contact you again, tell him you have nothing to discuss with him, and he can communicate with you via your lawyer. And talk to your lawyer about getting a protective order against the guy too, which will effectively block the use of any recorded phone calls in court if he was violating a protective order to contact you.

She is obviously grasping at straws and is acting/thinking irrationally. Her secret world, one she thought I would never find out about, has come crashing down on her head.

She has obviously been in communication with Carlos and that goes against her sworn word that hasn't had anything to do with him since Spain. Lies after lies, and at this point I cant really believe that her 'confession' was all of the story.

Morbid curiosity says I want to know the truth but practical side of me is already well beyond caring.


Given the fact that your wife is in an irrational, possibly revenge-seeking mode, it might be an idea to have a private investigator monitoring her. It doesn't sound like she will go quietly, and as you know only too well, knowledge is power. Stage 1 of this process, the busting of the affair, is complete. Stage 2, dealing with your wife in the lead-up to divorce, is now in operation. Talk to your lawyer, and be prepared to take out protective orders against both your wife and Carlos to limit their avenues for contacting you and trying to get you to say or do anything that they can use to their advantage. You should also explain the situation to your daughter, and warn her that her mother may start asking a lot of questions in an attempt to damage you. It's not a pleasant thing for your daughter to be caught between you, but until the divorce is finalised, who knows what your wife may try?

You say that you have made some mistakes and errors, but I think your actions and resilience are a textbook example for others to follow. You have done a much better job than you realise.

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