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Hindsight

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theaterguy posted 6/9/2017 23:39 PM

Y, how are you doing?

TimSC posted 6/13/2017 15:54 PM

Y. Did the poly reveal more than the current affair?

Western posted 6/24/2017 04:30 AM

bump

Used2bhappy10 posted 7/4/2017 14:50 PM

Absolutely amazing and tragic story. Hugs to your daughter, kudos to you for being true, articulate, and smart as hell to as to all your actions, particularly when emotions run at their very highest.

One thing I read the other day is that affairs run one of two categories: Ones of omission, others of commission.

OMISSIONS LIES: I didn't tell you I have a secret friend, I didn't tell you about the nights in the hotel, the fancy dinners, the gifts. What you don't know, won't hurt you...

COMMISSION LIES: are planning, extending events, trips purely for the sake of the affair, buying expensive gifts. True theft, planning, plotting of all innocence from sacred vows and relations. She commissioned lies, for years.

Having orgies with multiple people is a deal breaker for me allowing any child to be in her care. I would contest and go into private sessions with the judge, allowing only supervised visitation rights.

[This message edited by Used2bhappy10 at 7:36 PM, July 4th (Tuesday)]

MidnightRun posted 7/4/2017 18:20 PM

Just read the entire thread.

Indeed, she's far from the woman you married.

You and your daughter are wonderful

Your stbexw is a freak.

Snoopdog posted 7/6/2017 12:50 PM

What a shameful piece of work this woman is! Thank heavens your daughter has you as this is very definitely a life altering experience for her, as well as you. Take care of yourself and that bond with your daughter. You will never be off track by doing that.

YHGTBKM posted 7/15/2017 16:09 PM

Hello Everyone,

Firstly, I didn't bother with the polygraph, it did not seem like it would make a difference. We did agree that there would be a reduction in the compensation amount due to the earlier deceit.

My goal throughout this entire ordeal was to regain a measure of control. I took decisive steps to ensure that I had control over my actions, my wife's actions and how all those instances affected the life of my daughter and my life.

Although I took these steps, and basically threw my wife out of my life, she just wont go away.

First there were calls, trying to have conversations with me like nothing happened. Then there were unannounced visits, trying to insert herself back into our lives. The more I tried to placate her the more she increased these events. The more strict I got, the more emotional she became. I tried to be somewhat understanding for my daughters sake but finally broke when the intrusions became too much and cut her off completely. Then she got devious. She tried hurting herself and blaming me. The police were involved. Fortunately the documented history had them and other authorities believing me.

Then she contested the entire agreement on the grounds of mental distress. Although she doesn't have a case, we have been in and out of proceedings many times. I am not really sure what her intent is, other than keeping me in her life, even though this is just driving me further away.

As a family, we use to spend the summer at the cabin. I wanted to continue taking my daughter there as it is a special place so we made plans and left on the long weekend. My STBEW just happened to be staying in the same small town. This was a new level of crazy and I am not really sure how to handle it. When I first found out about her affair, I was angry, then embarrassed, then vengeful, then sad, and now really concerned. She seems to have taken a step over the line that I am not sure she can come back from.

I have been advised that a restraining order should be my next step but I am not sure how that would affect my daughters relationship with me or her mom.

Anybody been through something like that?

OrdinaryDude posted 7/15/2017 17:01 PM

It sounds as if an RO may be the best option at this point, though I would consult with your attorney on it.

Whatever you do, endeavor to keep yourself detached from her and whatever mess she makes for herself.

It's ok to want to be compassionate, but only do so once she is compliant to the terms of your settlement, and is leaving you alone.

She needs professional help, and that's not something that you can make her do, she has to want it.

Adlham posted 7/15/2017 17:32 PM

Restraining order is a must at this point. For the safety of both you and your daughter.

I know you are worried about how it may impact your daughter but this woman sounds desperate and dangerous. Trust me when I tell you that is a real bad combination.

In addition, for the time being, I urge you to include supervised visitation for your daughter. I know how painful it sounds for me to suggest to you. I have lived it. It sucks. But your ex is super unstable right now and at her most dangerous. You can explain it gently in a way that puts the onus on you and your ex by simply stating it is in the best interests of all three of you to ensure there are no false allegations of anything from either parent.

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. I really am. But I prefer to err on the side of caution and safety when it comes to kids.

ChamomileTea posted 7/15/2017 21:51 PM

When I read your latest update, my immediate recollection was of the post where you described your WW's plan to seduce you back into the marriage. Clearly, that hasn't worked, hence the increasing desperation.

I'm in agreement with the the previous posters. If you need an RO to make her stop, get it. And don't feel bad if it interferes with her parenting relationship because if being a good mother was her priority, that's what you'd be seeing. Instead, you're seeing her madly attempting to circumvent the consequences of her perfidy.

TimSC posted 7/16/2017 12:14 PM

A crazed cheater who goes full blown stalker after throwing away an amazing life and stable family is more common than you would think. Her original plan was to seduce you back - that failed. Then trying to get the police involved with false charges (also not uncommon) failed.

Have you talked with your daughter about all of these control tactics? I hope she understands that her mother is upset because of the consequences of her infidelity.

The woman is focused on herself and will emotionally trash anyone to get what she wants. She is totally off the rails. Be prepared for anything.

MidnightRun posted 7/22/2017 17:23 PM

Hindsight,

You're dealing with an extremely unstable person.

She is deeply delusional.

Her fantasy--thus herself--has been completely torn asunder.

Not to frighten, but this can take a dangerous turn.

Did you get RO?

Keep us posted.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:42 PM, July 22nd (Saturday)]

Wool94 posted 7/22/2017 23:34 PM

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me.

I just figured your name out..doh...

nothirdchance posted 8/2/2017 13:11 PM

YHGTBKM

Dude I have to say this. YOU ARE MY HERO

I've read all your posts through this entire fiasco and you were simply brilliant. You stayed level headed even with the few stumbles you said you had.

During my WW's 7 month EA and PA, the only consolation I had was the day I presented her with phone records I discovered by accident. The expression on her face was something I will never forget and always treasure. BUSTED!!!

The first chance she had, she texted her AP and told him what I had and that I was thinking about giving them to his wife. He BLEW up and demanded that she delete everything from her phone. Which of course she did.

She couldn't understand his anger. They had professed their love for each other. He was in a sexless, loveless marriage that he was only staying because of his daughter. She couldn't understand why was he so angry???? (oh he was on vacation with his family at the time. I'm sure this late breaking news bulletin had quite the impact on his happy little family vacation)

Anyway from that point on he pretty much cut my wife and his communication off. Poor little WW she found out the man who told her he loved her really didn't and could dump her like yesterday's trash without a second thought.

BTW I did eventually accumulate plenty of evidence that I shared with AP's wife.

Sharkman posted 8/2/2017 13:40 PM

Hello Everyone,
Firstly, I didn't bother with the polygraph, it did not seem like it would make a difference. We did agree that there would be a reduction in the compensation amount due to the earlier deceit.

My goal throughout this entire ordeal was to regain a measure of control. I took decisive steps to ensure that I had control over my actions, my wife's actions and how all those instances affected the life of my daughter and my life.

Although I took these steps, and basically threw my wife out of my life, she just wont go away.

First there were calls, trying to have conversations with me like nothing happened. Then there were unannounced visits, trying to insert herself back into our lives. The more I tried to placate her the more she increased these events. The more strict I got, the more emotional she became. I tried to be somewhat understanding for my daughters sake but finally broke when the intrusions became too much and cut her off completely. Then she got devious. She tried hurting herself and blaming me. The police were involved. Fortunately the documented history had them and other authorities believing me.

Then she contested the entire agreement on the grounds of mental distress. Although she doesn't have a case, we have been in and out of proceedings many times. I am not really sure what her intent is, other than keeping me in her life, even though this is just driving me further away.

As a family, we use to spend the summer at the cabin. I wanted to continue taking my daughter there as it is a special place so we made plans and left on the long weekend. My STBEW just happened to be staying in the same small town. This was a new level of crazy and I am not really sure how to handle it. When I first found out about her affair, I was angry, then embarrassed, then vengeful, then sad, and now really concerned. She seems to have taken a step over the line that I am not sure she can come back from.

I have been advised that a restraining order should be my next step but I am not sure how that would affect my daughters relationship with me or her mom.

Anybody been through something like that?

I'm quoting a very important part of your message for the benefit of a few of our newest friends posting here. It's something that many need to take to heart (and it's completely understandable why it's difficult to do so)

Hotdog posted 9/26/2017 08:24 AM

Hey YHGTBKM! How are you and your daughter doing? Hopefully your XWW's irrational actions have ceased.

Broken1Again posted 9/26/2017 11:58 AM

I don't know how a restraining order works, or how long it is enforced for. I understand your concern over how it will affect your daughter and her mom. I believe in most cases they are forever? Unless you apply to have it lifted? I'm not sure though. Maybe that is something to find out, because maybe a temporary restraining order could be in order until she gets her ducks back in a row. She's lost it and I think that is something that can happen, but I believe she can "find it" again too.

Not sure what kind of tom-foolery she is causing and if it's affecting both you and your daughter physically or just you? BUT you have a daughter to raise and set an example for. If your daughter had a hubby doing what your Ex is doing to you what would you tell her? I know it might not be that simple because you are dealing with your daughter's mother, but you are also dealing with your daughter's future perspective of how relationships/breakups should be.

Your wife has lost it and someone needs to be the sane one for your DD.

Prayers for you and your DD, and for your X, so that she can pull it together and be the mother your daughter deserves.

Western posted 9/26/2017 12:13 PM

no restraining orders aren't forever. They are always time limited 6 months one year 3 months etc... except in enormously rare cases. In my entire carer, I have only seen 2 permanent protective orders.

TimSC posted 10/14/2017 12:14 PM

How is your daughter doing? I would guess that your STBXW's tactics are driving your daughter away.

When is D final?

YHGTBKM posted 10/27/2017 00:49 AM

Thanks everyone for the ongoing concern. I have been good. Typical changes in appearance, clothes etc, that seems to come from renewed sense of self. I have picked up old hobbies that I lost. My daughter and I have grown closer over these last few months and have even got into dirtbiking and camping together on the weekends.

My divorce proceedings were halted while my STBEXW went through some court ordered mental health evaluations (the judge wanted to make sure she wasn't under duress or being taken advantage of) based upon here continued violation of the TOP I had against her. Her harassment was becoming unbearable and she seemingly walked through each PO without a care in the world. As you can imagine she claimed mental and physical abuse against me but luckily for me nobody believed her.

I have had enough drama to last me a life-time and I have to remind myself that I didn't want any of this, and that this wasn't my fault, but her selfishness that caused all of this.

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