Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Hindsight

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25

WhoTheBleep posted 5/12/2017 04:46 AM

I wish cheaters wore a sign around their necks and only dated one another. Why don't they leave the rest of us alone!

^^^^So much THIS!!!! Gaaaad they all deserve each other!!

Wool94 posted 5/12/2017 04:59 AM

Just wow!

jtom posted 5/12/2017 05:42 AM

Well done sir ! I know that this has been extremely hard on you with everything you've found out. Harder still when you tell your DD. Didndt think we'd see another "SPACEGHOST" like response to a cheating spouse for a while, but we have one now! Loved to have been on that plane an watched your WW reaction when she got off that phone call with you. Stay strong now, you are in control. Again well done !

Sharkman posted 5/12/2017 06:22 AM

Post of the year.

This is a man who values himself.

ChamomileTea posted 5/12/2017 06:37 AM

Just wanted to say I'm sorry this happened to you. Shock and awe certainly makes an impression on the cheater and can help a BS feel less victimized. It doesn't make the betrayal and loss less painful though, so I'm hoping your journey toward healing is a swift one.

((strength))

Stevesn posted 5/12/2017 07:05 AM

Your confidence is so impressive. No matter if you wanted R or D it shows that taking control is the most effective method.

Have you heard from her?

swmnbc posted 5/12/2017 07:17 AM

I'm glad the limbo is over for you. I hope your daughter handles it as well as can be expected and that the next steps become clear for you.

Lalagirl posted 5/12/2017 07:42 AM

Wow. Just wow. Awesome job, but I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry. We will be here for you.

Bigger posted 5/12/2017 08:14 AM

Although I agree with the firm action I question the legality and even the morality of sending someone to a foreign place with absolutely no way of fending for themselves.

I’m a former cop and I specialized in domestic violence. This borders on domestic violence…
This is the equivalent of throwing a spouse out of the house with no resources or ability to fend for themselves.

It can vary between states but income earned by either partner is marital income, not yours and hers. Yes, there is an infidelity clause if you divorce, but that clicks in once you file and you two start the process of negotiating the divorce.

Since you knew of the affair before she left and even approved of the trip I think you are probably digging yourself a very deep hole that will weaken your stance if your WW counters the infidelity-clause.

In the strongest words,
I encourage you to talk to your attorney about the legality and the consequences of cutting her off totally without finances, especially your action in declaring her cards – cards in HER name – as lost and having them closed.

I would also encourage you have at least one card/account reopened and put a REASONABLE amount of cash in that account. Reasonable as in her being able to afford some accommodation and meals for her stay.

Sorry for raining on your parade, but this site is all about advice. I truly think that you have done yourself a discredit with this action and that it is counterproductive to your own situation.

breadfruit1 posted 5/12/2017 08:45 AM

I beg to differ, she is with her AP and they are on vacation together. She is not on her own. To suggest she will be stranded and in desperation is a pretty far fetched assumption. OP gave her 1000 euros if I recall. Again I am sure her AP is not travelling without money and they are pretty much a couple in an illicit affair on vacation. Her husband has done nothing but to protect himself, his daughter and his assets, to prevent his wife from pilfering his hard earned assets, and toprevent her from lavishing her AP with her husband's money. Note that as far as he knows (based on what she told her husband) she is vacationing with her girlfriends. So she is not stranded and left out in the cold/or heat with nothing. Her girlfriends are with her. If she runs into any short term difficulty they can help her out until she gets home. Now of course we know the real story because her husband was intuitive and astute and smart enough to figure out her well intentioned deception. To me that is emotional and financial abuse from her on him and he put a stop to it by protecting his and his daughter's interest

breadfruit1 posted 5/12/2017 08:46 AM

I beg to differ, she is with her AP and they are on vacation together. She is not on her own. To suggest she will be stranded and in desperation is a pretty far fetched assumption. OP gave her 1000 euros if I recall. Again I am sure her AP is not travelling without money and they are pretty much a couple in an illicit affair on vacation. Her husband has done nothing but to protect himself, his daughter and his assets, to prevent his wife from pilfering his hard earned assets, and toprevent her from lavishing her AP with her husband's money. Note that as far as he knows (based on what she told her husband) she is vacationing with her girlfriends. So she is not stranded and left out in the cold/or heat with nothing. Her girlfriends are with her. If she runs into any short term difficulty they can help her out until she gets home. Now of course we know the real story because her husband was intuitive and astute and smart enough to figure out her well intentioned deception. To me that is emotional and financial abuse from her on him and he put a stop to it by protecting his and his daughter's interest

ChamomileTea posted 5/12/2017 09:08 AM

If memory serves, Bigger, the OP already talked it over with his attorney and provided something like 1000 euros for her use. If so, she's not been stranded without cash.

PlanNine posted 5/12/2017 09:35 AM

Although I agree with the firm action I question the legality and even the morality of sending someone to a foreign place with absolutely no way of fending for themselves.

I’m a former cop and I specialized in domestic violence. This borders on domestic violence…
This is the equivalent of throwing a spouse out of the house with no resources or ability to fend for themselves.
It can vary between states but income earned by either partner is marital income, not yours and hers. Yes, there is an infidelity clause if you divorce, but that clicks in once you file and you two start the process of negotiating the divorce.

Since you knew of the affair before she left and even approved of the trip I think you are probably digging yourself a very deep hole that will weaken your stance if your WW counters the infidelity-clause.

In the strongest words, I encourage you to talk to your attorney about the legality and the consequences of cutting her off totally without finances, especially your action in declaring her cards – cards in HER name – as lost and having them closed.

I would also encourage you have at least one card/account reopened and put a REASONABLE amount of cash in that account. Reasonable as in her being able to afford some accommodation and meals for her stay.

Sorry for raining on your parade, but this site is all about advice. I truly think that you have done yourself a discredit with this action and that it is counterproductive to your own situation.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this was going a bit too far...

It still has the sweet savor of vicarious satisfaction (if true), but even though I'm a BH who got played by my unrepentant exWW and tends to wear his bitterness on his sleeve, I don't think even I would have gone to such extreme measures. I probably would have just cancelled the tickets and let her find that out for herself at the gate, and then replied to her WTF messages with the knowledge the cat was out of the bag.

Also, I'm pretty sure that in any U.S. jurisdiction, changing locks is a big no-no unless and until a court has granted you exclusive use of the house.

nothisfriend posted 5/12/2017 09:41 AM

I probably would have just cancelled the tickets and let her find that out for herself at the gate,

(Former travel agent), I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to cancel tickets or flight reservations in her name.

StillStanding1 posted 5/12/2017 09:54 AM

OP, please take special care of your DD in this process. I think that the "scorched earth" approach may be very scary for her to witness. These will be dramatic and sudden upheavals in her life as well, which is frightening at her tender age. She needs much reassurance at this time. Kids are likely to think that this is all somehow their fault and may internalize a variety of emotions and fears.

I think it would be wise to ensure she has a rational uninvolved adult to discuss this with. Please consider getting her into IC.

Wishing you the very best.

twisted posted 5/12/2017 10:23 AM

This is epic!
Yes, Bigger is probably correct, you might get yourself in trouble for this, but would anyone really want to take this court?
You are screwing around on your husband, and leave the country with another man, then your husband pulls the plug on you.
I pretty sure you'd get a very sympathetic jury.
Domestic violence? Are you required to finance and fund your cheating wife's European vacation with her secret lover? I'm thinking that doesn't play very well.

She has abandoned the marriage, not been thrown out. One could argue otherwise, but she CHOSE to leave. Malice, perhaps, but no more than her own actions.

OK, if she is in actual danger you might have to wire a few bucks to get her back to this side of the pond, but it's not like he packed a loaded gun in her carry on to get busted by the TSA.
Let her panic, let her worry. There are consequences for her actions, as there are for all of us.

[This message edited by twisted at 10:25 AM, May 12th (Friday)]

swmnbc posted 5/12/2017 10:25 AM

I do think it's important not to let protecting your interests in the short term negatively impact protecting your interests in the long term.

I'm surprised the lawyer suggested cutting off her means of contacting you -- you do have a minor child and it might look like you are denying her access.

Number one priority right is your daughter and making sure you are both eating, sleeping, and being supported by friends and counselors.

Hurting8264 posted 5/12/2017 10:42 AM

I love the idea of leaving her in Spain with no funds!

kgcolonel posted 5/12/2017 11:10 AM

Hindsight,

I think this is perfect....she is getting what she wanted minus your "all inclusive financial support". Not only is she vacationing with her AP but taking a trip like this without you should be at best minimally supported (per your lawyer's advise) only for safeties sake.

kudos Hindsight.....can't wait to hear about her trip and all the adventures she has.

william posted 5/12/2017 11:25 AM

I live in Europe. Low-cost airlines abound. Easyjet, for instance, can get her to London TOMORROW for about 70 euro. She's not stranded anywhere.

To an airline there is the passenger, the Booker, and the card holder. Any one of those three an easily cancel tickets.

[This message edited by william at 11:27 AM, May 12th (Friday)]

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy