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Just IDed obs and working up to telling her

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SilverLinings55 posted 9/12/2017 10:24 AM

Hey Everyone:

(I became a MH after d-day)

So my W had multiple A's, at least 2 of which were with married men.

She finally broke down months ago and told me the name of this one particular guy she knew from grad school who she got together with in or around 2014 and/or 2015. He was married at the time with young children, and still is.

The guy had a very common name and for the life of me, I couldn't locate him, even using services like Spokeo. Well, I finally found him and am looking at his and his W's FB page.

I hated doing this previously (telling an OBS) with the OBS of another of my W's married AP's. That said, she has been incredibly grateful.

In any event, I finally ID'ed, located and found these people yesterday, and I have been sitting on it, looking at their Facebook profiles. It's hard when their profiles are filled with pictures of their kids. But I feel I need to tell her in any event. Doing this was easier when d-day (2/13/17) was more raw, as I felt a sense of pleasure in telling the OBS out of revenge (in addition to it being the right thing to do). Feels a little different now. NOT feeling this in relation to the guy (I'd strangle him if he was in my presence), but moreso for his W and the kids having to endure a nuclear bomb.

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 10:27 AM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

annb posted 9/12/2017 10:28 AM

You are doing the right thing by telling her.

Gently provide the facts.

Be careful her WH doesn't intercept your messages.

Her WH may be continuing to cheat with multiple women potentially putting the BS health in danger.

When OW BS found out about the EA, he didn't inform me. Confronted the two of them, and they took it underground. To this day, 12 years later, I resent him bc he could have saved all of us so much heartache.

deephurt posted 9/12/2017 10:30 AM

Thats great. I encourage you to not look at it like your are destroying them. Their husband/father did that already when he had the A.

You are enlightening his wife of the truth of her M. Something that her WH likely never did. You are giving her the truth of her life. Most BS's would be grateful to anyone who gave them the information.

She deserves to know the truth about her life and M, just like you know the truth. She deserves the chance to make an informed decision about her life.

He could have been with other AP's other than your WW also. She needs to get tested if nothing else.

SilverLinings55 posted 9/12/2017 14:08 PM

God, I finally pressed "send" and have been messaging with her on Facebook. I hate myself for doing this but I feel it needed to be done. She's pregnant and due in 3 months. Shit.

LivingWithPain posted 9/12/2017 14:11 PM

Tell her as soon as you can. I told my wife's affair partner's spouse as soon as I could what was going on. I even beat the guy up on d-day, so she wasn't very nice to me that first call, but a few days later she called me again and thanked me. Many people knew her husband was cheating but no one had told her. I was the only one who did.

Skan posted 9/12/2017 14:29 PM

That was a hard thing to do, SilverLinings. But it was the right thing to do. Be as gentle as you can with her. You know how much she's hurting. And if you can do so, suggest to her that going to see her OB/GYN for STD tests to make sure that her baby is OK, would be a prudent thing to do.

SilverLinings55 posted 9/12/2017 14:35 PM


Yeah I was as gentle as possible. Of course, she had a bunch of questions but I really have such limited information. I told her I'd try and get more and that I'd appreciate it if she did the same if she learns anything.

It just fcuking sucks so bad to bring that news to someone.

And I am also concerned that it will create issues between my W and I if she somehow finds out I contacted the OBS (we are trying to R), but I can't let that guide whether or not to do the right thing. Plus, avoiding doing things because they might create an unpleasant situation would be rug-sweeping, right?

Whatever, she already knows I've been trying to find them to tell the OBS.

Randy1133 posted 9/12/2017 15:49 PM

Why don't you tell her you contacted the OBS and that OBS has lots of questions that you may be able to help with. You have no reason to hide this from your Wife. If she gets mad at you, so what, tell her this is what happens when you fuck other married men.

SilverLinings55 posted 9/12/2017 15:54 PM


Yeah man, I'm going to have to bring it up of course. I'll let the OBS confront and maybe get some additional info for me before I bring that up with my W.

But you're right. Softening up on this shit due to the passage of time is the exact WRONG way to handle things.

It's more of an "I don't want to deal with this shit" type of thing. I'd be livid if she got "angry" at me, and I don't think she would. More like she'd spiral out of control and make us miserable.

Anyway, I think the best strategy is to hear back from the OBS after she confronts tonight, because I don't know what her additional questions are going to be anyway, and she may dig up some stuff for me to corroborate or contradict what my W might say to me.

Randy1133 posted 9/12/2017 16:11 PM

That sounds like a good approach. I don't know what you have on this guy, but if he denies, she will likely come looking for evidence. Let us know how it goes.

smokenfire posted 9/12/2017 17:01 PM

I just wanted to say thank you. I realize now, looking back, EVERYONE knew what my ex was doing, but everyone decided to not tell me. It's a quite humilating experience. The betrayal is bad enough, but pour on the salt of, "Bless her heart, she's as dumb as a box of rocks". Ugh.

I hope things go well with your FWW. It will be telling, her reaction. People deserve to make informed decisions about their own live. Besides which, she is the one who created this ungodly mess.

5454real posted 9/12/2017 17:11 PM

If your FWW truly deserves the F, this won't be an issue.
Notifying the OBS is probably one of the best things you have ever done. There is no way for you to know if your FWS was his only escapade. There may be multiple others. She needs to be STD tested ASAP for both her and the baby's sake.

Thank you for doing this

Used2bhappy10 posted 9/13/2017 08:02 AM

Letting your WS know that you told the OBS will likely help her in the long run to stop the TT, it will bring more details to the light of day and hopefully cause her to reveal more specifics, more insight.

SilverLinings55 posted 9/13/2017 09:47 AM


Thanks. She definitely hasn't earned the "F" yet and has a ton more work to do. Prognosis isn't great though, given that she has a personality disorder, so (according to my own psychiatrist), I need to be prepared for the reality that the odds of her behavior remaining good over the long term may be slim. Notwithstanding the foregoing, all she can do is the right thing, and she's generally been doing that (to my knowledge).


I agree that my W should know at some point. However, I prefer to get any information I can from the AP's spouse before asking her any questions, so I can gauge the extent to which she is telling me the truth, in real time. If she tells me X, Y and Z today because I ask her, in a week or whenever the OBS gives me additional information, she can muddy the waters. On the other hand, if I have that new info in hand at the time when I ask questions of my W, she won't be able to claim she didn't say X, Y and Z or that I'm misinterpreting what she said, remembering it wrong, etc.

twisted posted 9/13/2017 11:54 AM

Tell your W that you have informed the OBS, and if the OM attempts contacts her, you better damn well know about it. She is to be NC with him.

smokenfire posted 9/13/2017 12:13 PM

Dealing with personality disordered people is dicey at best. Make a point to learn everything you can about what she has. You are not dealing with an equal by any far stretch of the imagination.

However, having said that....

I have a personality disorder. I am an anomaly to put it mildly in that I lack many of the stereotypical signs and behaviors that most have. I did change, but I also worked my ass off to do so.

Change CAN happen, but it doesn't come easy or fast.

SilverLinings55 posted 9/13/2017 12:48 PM


Thanks for showing that there is hope. I've definitely noticed a number of people here who themselves or their spouses suffer from a PD and they're doing pretty well. I know it is possible for her to change, but I'm just freaked out by my psychiatrist telling me how challenging it will be for her.

I just can't go through this again. I expect her to always have struggles of one sort or another, and I'm happy to be there for her and to help her during those times (and to be in the same house with my kids when she's going through those struggles, her being alone with them scares me), but having her cheat again will be the end of me.

I'm particularly freaked out about her being able to "behave" in the long term. As though she's an infidelity time bomb that might go off at any time, in any place. One random day years from now, something "just happens" and she's off to the races, etc.

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 12:49 PM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

Randy1133 posted 9/13/2017 13:02 PM

She doesn't have BPD does she, Silver? I think that's the only one that you are kind up shit-creek with. Bi-Polar is the only other I can think of, but atleast its treatable.

SilverLinings55 posted 9/13/2017 13:31 PM


I do need to get some more detail on this. She only told me it's a serious personality disorder. Not entirely sure there has been a further diagnosis. Is that something that can be diagnosed with specificity after a few months' treatment?

smokenfire posted 9/13/2017 13:36 PM

If it's BPD, it's not as untreatable as it used to be. It's bad, no arguing that point. It used to be a death sentence as far as recovery. There have been huge strides made since twenty years ago.

But, it's telling you use the word "behave". It's very telling. Why? I used to use that word all the time, I have to be good, was my mantra and I constantly failed in epic ways. What changed for me is that I did it for ME. Not for FBS, not anyone else, I just didn't want to ever feel like a whore again. EVER.

That's what you need to watch for, when she starts doing it for HERSELF.

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