"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

josiep posted 9/19/2017 09:51 AM

This thread bothers me a lot and I'm very concerned for you and for your children.

So all I'm going to say is, children don't do as they're told, children do as they see.

Just like I see a parent slapping a kid and screaming at them for hitting his brother, I want to lecture them that their kids are going to model their behavior.

No matter what they learn in school. No matter what they learn in church. No matter what their parents tell them. No matter what they read in books. No matter what they see on TV.

They will model their parents behavior.

You are teaching your children that it's OK to accept abuse.

[This message edited by josiep at 11:06 AM, September 19th (Tuesday)]

barcher144 posted 9/19/2017 10:02 AM

So all I'm going to say is, children don't do as they're told, children as they see.

ding ding ding

swmnbc posted 9/19/2017 12:14 PM

He cheated on you for years, and then when you found out about this unacceptable betrayal, instead of making amends or comforting you or reassuring you, he decided that asking (or, really, telling) if he could do it from here on out was the way to handle this situation.

That's really beyond appalling. Please know that the vast majority of people believe in monogamy, even when some of them have affairs. This is not a deal that you have to accept. Most men would not put you in this position. The least he could do after being caught cheating is vow to change his ways and make it up to you. Instead he's asking for permission to keep hurting you.

I hope you find the courage to say no to something that clearly makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. The problem here is not you. The problem is him.

deephurt posted 9/19/2017 16:32 PM

What a selfish asshole pig.

You are being exposed to std's that could kill you. Is he worth your life? Do your kids deserve to be motherless after he gives you a fatal std?

Ask him how he feels about a two sided open marriage. Is he willing to let you screw other people?
He sounds like a jerks and he sounds like a sex addict to me.

There are plenty of honest, loving, faithful partners out there. You don't. Wes this in your life and around your kids.

harrybrown posted 9/19/2017 16:36 PM

one sided?

I am sure that he is mistaken.

He meant that you could have other relationships, not him.

Because it would not make him jealous if you had affairs like he did.

So tell him it is okay if you have the open side of the relationship.

Notthevictem posted 9/19/2017 18:05 PM

Does he sound like...?
"Hey Toots! I know we gots it good, and I like our stuff n all. But, ya know, I needs to get that bingaling on my dingaling from more broads cus well it's hard out there ya know? I'm trying to grow as a dude in my dudeness. Kay? Good talk."

Unhinged posted 9/19/2017 18:27 PM

"Here babe, I'm just too much man for ya. It's not you. You're great. More than I deserve. But you can't keep all this manliness to yourself. I can't even keep all this manhood to myself. I'm an alpha. I need to spread this incredible seed."

(sorry. NTV put me up to it)

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:28 PM, September 19th (Tuesday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 9/19/2017 18:42 PM

"Ya know sweetie, you're a sweet little woman and all, but you can't be selfish to your fellow sisters. My special gift needs to be shared with the world and it would be irresponsible of me to only share it with one average woman".

antlered posted 9/19/2017 18:44 PM

Wow. Fuuuuuuuuck that guy. Figuratively.

Much, much better for those kids to 'lose' this loser than to live with this relationship dynamic another minute.

Is this what you want your kids to grow up seeing as 'normal'?
Please find the courage to end this relationship.
If not for your sake then for your children's.

I know it's hard. Big hug to you.

[This message edited by antlered at 6:45 PM, September 19th (Tuesday)]

Unhinged posted 9/19/2017 18:58 PM

Askingwhy, we jest, but not at your pain. I'd be willing to be that most, if not all, of the men here on SI know a guy like that (some of them actually are like that). I've known guys like that my whole life and I don't particularly like or trust them. I keep my distance. He's sounds rather narcissistic, but that not a professional opinion. Either way, you can do better, even if you don't believe that.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 9/19/2017 19:09 PM

Askingwhy,
Honestly these guys are trying to point out the ridiculousness of this arrangement through humor. But they're right. It's ridiculous. Please understand it's done out of concern for you.

How are you doing?

HardenMyHeart posted 9/19/2017 19:17 PM

Please understand it's done out of concern for you.

That's exactly right. Him just asking you for this type of relationship is so disrespectful to you. Especially given the good, type of person you are. He should feel blessed that he has someone like you in his life, instead he is trying to take advantage of your kind nature. It's just not right.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:30 PM, September 19th (Tuesday)]

shiloe posted 9/19/2017 19:36 PM

What he said:

I just want to use you. I will tell you I love you though if that helps.

It is my way or the hi-way. You are not worth being exclusive with.

I will only stick around if you stay faithful and let me keep looking for someone better.

When I find her I will leave anyway.

You can wonder where I am at and what I am doing and shut up about it, I may or may not tell you the truth.

^This will crush your soul.

Jameson1977 posted 9/19/2017 20:48 PM

Wow, just wow. Ask yourself this, what advise would you give your adult children if they came to you and told you the same thing?

You do not deserve to experience an A, nobody does, no matter what, baggage, mental health, history, etc. anyone has. I m very sorry you are here, but take the advise of all the people here that have nothing to gain or lose and what have all been affected by infidelity in some form or another.

sopainfulstill posted 9/19/2017 23:39 PM

Oh Dear God.
Please just tell him No.
You deserve so much more than this!

The1stWife posted 9/20/2017 07:15 AM

Tell him this:

Thanks for your honesty. I understand how you feel. You are free to go now and please don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

And move on. You teach people how to treat you. And you are a better role model for your children than a person who is willing to accept this type of treatment.

And be very very careful who you allow into your children's life.

Had I D my H, I would not date and bring men into their life. Under no circumstances would that happen. It would be completely separate because my kids don't need any more drama or upheaval (if the relationship did not work out).

Bobbi_sue posted 9/20/2017 07:47 AM

Thanks for your honesty. I understand how you feel. You are free to go now and please don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Well stated. This is what needs to be said.

I don't really respect most people who suggest and/or participate in open marriages whether one or two sided.
Unless this was well stated in their original marriage vows, they are both cheating and committing infidelity even if they supposedly know about it and "consent" to it. I'm pretty sure that most that I read about here, decided after they were married awhile that this would add "excitement" to their marriage. And while the one who "goes along" with the idea somehow manages to convince him/herself the decision is mutual, I don't buy it. It is one's idea and the other does not want to face losing the person or divorce so accepts that scenario at risk to themselves in countless ways, not the least of which increased chance one partner will get emotionally involved with others in spite of their impossible-to-keep promise, not to do that.

Freeme posted 9/20/2017 08:38 AM

Let's play a game of ... what's the best/worst thing that could happen if I say yes to this agreement.

Best - He does exactly what he says he will, sees and has sex with other women, tells me about them, tells me about the dates/sex... as much or as little as I want to know about his relationships. I keep him as my lover and friend.

Worst - He does exactly what he says he will. He gets someone pregnant, he gives me an STD, the kids learn about all of his OW, Everyone knows about our agreement, I get pg. He falls in love with one of the OW. I really have no say in our relationship because I've agreed to these horrible terms. I become the OW to his other relationship...the list is endless and not too far fetched.

Now let's look at the best/worst outcome of saying No to his "plan".

Best - I say No and he realizes that he wants our relationship more than he does a bunch of cheap one night stands. I retain some dignity.

Worst - I say No and he leaves me.

Yes, I will be a 32 year old with 4 kids and no man. But this new relationship "play" makes it plain that this is not a guy I have a future with. 32 is still young. Yes you can find someone decent and treats you decent, do that now. You know how bad your self esteem is going to be after he has told you about his 5 or 6th date with someone? Or after you catch an STD from him?

Please don't say yes to his self centered plan because it's easy and you think that little of yourself.

nekonamida posted 9/20/2017 09:14 AM

I know this sounds crazy to anyone that hasn't been put in this situation.

Every single one of us has been personally touched by infidelity. Some of us have been in your exact position but all of us have been betrayed so listen to the posters here because they know exactly how wrong this is and why it's going to explode in your face. And when that happens your kids are caught in the crossfire. You owe it to them to show them what a strong woman looks like and what is not acceptable in a relationship. Value yourself more no matter how many kids or how much baggage you have because you would never want them to follow in your footsteps and willingly sign up for abuse because they don't think they deserve better. Every one deserves better and so do you.

twisted posted 9/20/2017 09:22 AM

Askingwhy, does this man live with you? Who's house, are you dependent on him supporting you?