SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are participation in hiding from your daughters the dreadful person this man really is. Your participation in manipulating or deceiving them into believing something that is not true is more destructive than his cheating.

This is not likely about sparing the children, it is more likely about shielding yourself from making the very difficult decision you know you need to make.

If your daughters were in a relationship like this, what would your advice to them be?

Gently, you are modeling relationships for them. Don't let them see their mother be disrespected by a selfish cheater. You wouldn't want them to tolerate this type of behavior, so don't accept it for your own relationship.

Dump him. You deserve so much better for yourself and your daughters.

I don't in any way condone the decision that I've made to stay with him this long. I also don't want to come across as being the victim because it's as much my fault as it is his because I've enabled his behavior. I'm 32 years old and I have 4 children. I feel like anyone I'm going to be with isn't going to be perfect because I'm not perfect and I have too much baggage, so in a way I feel like I have to accept what would usually be unacceptable. I just need to vent and get out my feelings because I am hurting so bad that I can't handle it any more. It's all I think about all day long and pounding in my chest and anxiety is unbearable. I feel like our whole relationship has been an illusion and that my best friend has died.

Brave30, I wouldn't ever want my daughters to be in this situation. I guide them and talk to them daily to make the right choices in life and know their self worth so hey never have to settle for less than they deserve. I realize that this is contradictory but they know nothing of what is going on in my relationship.

it's as much my fault as it is his

It is not your fault he chose to cheat. He chose to, repeatedly.

We all have baggage but that doesn't mean we have to put up being treated with disdain and disrespect.

Want more for yourself, want more for your children.

You are welcome to vent. We understand. Please know we just want to see you get out of infidelity.

See your doctor regarding your anxiety. It is another gift that infidelity brings.

Askingwhy,

Please understand none of us is trying to be harsh with you nor do any of us want to hurt you in any way. Sometimes we put things bluntly in an effort to shock those who are suffering because we've all been there and been willing to settle for 2nd best until we figured it out.

You are wise and good. Hes a schmuck.

You're young enough to move on and build a totally happy and carefree life for yourself. Don't ever doubt that.

He's not your best friend.

Besties don't treat each other the way he is treating you.

You and the kids deserve better than this dickwad.

k9

I'm 32 years old and I have 4 children. I feel like anyone I'm going to be with isn't going to be perfect because I'm not perfect and I have too much baggage, so in a way I feel like I have to accept what would usually be unacceptable.

I'm sorry, but that's nonsense. You are young - have your whole life ahead of you. And who in this world doesn't have baggage? So what? That doesn't mean you have to accept being treated like shit.

If your boyfriend honestly thought his having sex with other women would make your relationship better, why did he hide It from you all this time? Why didn't he approach you at the beginning, two years ago, and say that he needed to have sex with other women and blah blah blah, and give you a say in the matter? Because it's all horseshit. Here's another question. Say he did that - asked you upfront. Would you have said sure, go ahead? Then why accept it now? If it kills you inside then he doesn't love you. He's hurting you.

Please be kind to yourself. Love yourself. And recognize that you deserve and will find so much better than this self-centered asshole.

You think because you're 32 and have 4 kids that you have "so much baggage" that you have to settle for less?

I just want to wrap you in a hug and tell you that you have your whole life ahead of you. You're YOUNG.

On the one hand you could go along with what your BF wants. You know that will slowly kill you, right? Day by day you will die a little more, knowing he's out there with other women having sex. It's so wrong and it's not what you signed on for with him. Eventually, even if your kids don't ever see you fight, they will see you sad, depressed, withdrawn and generally not the mom they need as a role model. There's no way you could keep you as "you" while going through what he wants to put you through.

Let me interject - cheating is abuse. It's emotional abuse and with the added potential of bringing home an STD, it's physical abuse. He is asking you to condone his abuse of you. Think about that, please!

On the other hand, you can say No. You can stand up for yourself, for the respect you deserve. You can protect yourself, your heart from this man.

He isn't good for you. I'm sorry.

My first (now X) H wanted an open marriage. He argued for it for years until I finally gave in. It just about killed me emotionally. When I eventually said No, he told me that he was going to sleep with other women and we could have a one-sided open relationship. He actually thought this was ok. We went to our MC. In the session this proposed "arrangement" was brought up. MC said to XH, "Do you think you might be abusive?" Yeah.

I finally told XH, "Sleep with whomever you want, but not while married to me." We divorced with 2 young girls. I was 30 years old.

I went backt to that MC a while later and he told me how scared he had been for me. He thought I was going to stay with that man, and he knew it would end badly.

If you stay with him, it will end badly because you'll be accepting this abuse. It's all about him and he doesn't give a shit how much it would hurt you if he sleeps with other women. He doesn't even have a shred of remorse or decency.

If you stay with him, I'll be scared for you, like my MC was scared for me.

(((hugs)))

He does NOT love your daughters as much as you do.

If he did, he would not hurt and disrespect their mother in this way!!!!!

our whole relationship has been an illusion and that my best friend has died.

You summed it up nicely. This doesn't sound like the relationship you want. He's not the sort of man you want. Don't sell yourself short--you're worth better. So are your kids. He's not a good role model for them.

If you break up with him and tell your kids why (phrased for whatever ages your kids are, of course,) they'll learn that appearances can be deceiving and it's ok to stand up for yourself and get out of toxic relationships. A broken heart hurts, I know, but the pain goes away in time as you heal.

I know this sounds crazy to anyone that hasn't been put in this situation. It's crazy to me too. Last night we talked for a long time about things and how we could ever possibly make this work. He said I could set ground rules for how often he could see other women and would let me know if he was talking to anyone else and he would make sure they knew about me and he wasn't interested in having a relationship with them. I agreed to come up with boundaries and work with him to make our relationship work. Sitting here thinking about it today, I'm just not sure I can go through with it. The mental images are haunting. Even if it weren't sex, the thought of him laughing with someone, sharing dinner or exchanging personal stories about his life with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach.

Wow. He's really trying to tear you down and get you to accept scraps, disrespect, and rubbing your nose in it. He's starts the "tearing down" by telling you that you aren't meeting all his needs. By the way, it is NOT possible to meet all of anyone's needs. Why does he need to tear you down? So that you will think exactly as you are - that you are lucky to have a man at all.

That's bullshit.

No, dear. You can't do this. You need to demand better for yourself.

I feel like anyone I'm going to be with isn't going to be perfect because I'm not perfect and I have too much baggage, so in a way I feel like I have to accept what would usually be unacceptable.

First of all no one is perfect. No one. Who doesn't have baggage? We all do. You absolutely DO NOT have to accept the unacceptable. His request of a one sided open relationship is one of the most selfish, narcissitic, head up his ass things I have read here and I'm married to a narcissitic person. If that seems like a fair and plausible solution to him he is not worth your time, effort, love, respect or loyalty. It's sickening actually.

You have daughters, and as others have asked already, would you want them to be in such a relationship some day? Think about the example being set for them. They may be way too young to understand anything going on now but kids are smart and someday they will figure it out. What will you say to them then? That you allowed yourself to be used as a doormat?

Gently, if he has cheated on you througout your entire relationship, you do not nor have you ever had a good relationship. How could you see it that way? Doesn't it eat you up alive to know he's constantly cheating?

Show him the door. You deserve better than this egotistical jerk. You're only 32. You have so much time ahead to restructure your life and the first step is getting rid of him.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 12:09 PM, September 18th (Monday)]

Are you allowed to have sex with other men?

Malibu bay breeze/ cheating is a huge deal! I'm not trying to downplay that at all but besides the cheating we have a wonderful time together and have an incredible attraction to each other. We have a great sex life and that's another reason why I'm so baffled that he would need something more. He has loved me and supported me through major moments in my life. He was there when I graduated college and he's been there to take care of me through two surgeries. It does eat me up alive that he constantly cheats but the good things that we share is what makes me hang on.

Red horse- I'm not allowed to have sex with other men and quite frankly don't want to. The thought of being with anyone other than him sickens me.

I want to punch this guy in the FACE!

Okay, I didn't read much after your post, but all I have to say is that if something is lacking in your home you have to TALK about it not seek somewhere else. STRIKE 1.

Multiple affairs STRIKE 2

Let's have an one sided open relationships STRIKE 3.

Right now you may feel in shock, in the fog, confused, hurt, angry...I get it and may go with what he wants out of desperation. I was there too, but this guy is obviously a A-HOLE. Sorry. Do what's best for you and that's dump his A$$.

I know this sounds crazy to anyone that hasn't been put in this situation. It's crazy to me too. Last night we talked for a long time about things and how we could ever possibly make this work. He said I could set ground rules for how often he could see other women and would let me know if he was talking to anyone else and he would make sure they knew about me and he wasn't interested in having a relationship with them. I agreed to come up with boundaries and work with him to make our relationship work. Sitting here thinking about it today, I'm just not sure I can go through with it. The mental images are haunting. Even if it weren't sex, the thought of him laughing with someone, sharing dinner or exchanging personal stories about his life with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach.

JUST NO! Stop thinking of yourself as damaged goods. There is no reason at all for you to accept behavior that is abhorrent to you. If what you want is a monogamous relationship, he is not the man for you. Love yourself too much to accept this from him. Nobody treating you good is better than somebody treating you bad.

No, this is gross and wrong. This man is manipulative and NOT your friend. He knows it hurts you but is trying to convince you that exposing you to STI's and pain is okay?

You deserve better than this. Don't martyr yourself. Please, he is disgusting. You are better than him.

Please find The New Codependency by Melody Beattie and discover your worth.

He has made you feel below him because of your family and your responsibilities. He is NOT above you. He is showing you how ugly he is.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

YOU DESERVE BETTER

It does eat me up alive that he constantly cheats but the good things that we share is what makes me hang on.

This is a statement made by abused women everywhere.

"He's a great guy when he isn't punching me in the face..."

"He only hurts me because he gets jealous because he loves me so much..."

And in your case

"He's great when he isn't having sext with other women and exposing me to STD's/AIDS..."

Only you can want and demand to be treated with respect. If you allow him to cheat and lie, then he will.

He is mistreating you, your children feel the tension in the house and I am sure they are aware of more than you know. If not for yourself, then for your children...stop the insanity.