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Dealing with OC

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SI Staff posted 10/13/2017 09:11 AM

For BS's that are dealing with children that came from the affair

selfimproved posted 10/13/2017 11:48 AM

I'm not one to complain much, let alone about a forum I rarely post to, but...

I dislike the term "Dealing with" in the thread title. "Dealing with", to me, implies that the object (in this case, a human child) with which we are dealing is somehow inherently bad. We deal with dirty laundry, crappy bosses, household pests and many other unpleasant things. While the circumstance leading to the conception and birth of an OC are certainly bad and unpleasant in the extreme, the child is completely innocent in the matter. Maybe I'm just reading more into it than I should. It's been a rough week.

[This message edited by selfimproved at 11:49 AM, October 13th (Friday)]

Salty16 posted 10/13/2017 11:59 AM

I believe their title was actually a shortened version of a thread I started which was "dealing with the knowledge of an OC". And due to being advised there had been a thread in the past, I requested one to be restarted in this forum.
I do not believe there was any negative intent. And I apologize for any ill feelings it may have caused you.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 12:00 PM, October 13th (Friday)]

selfimproved posted 10/13/2017 12:57 PM

No need to apologize, Salty.

Salty16 posted 10/13/2017 13:29 PM

First of all, let me say that I do not blame the OC at all. She did not ask to be born from the situation of an A.
I have a lot of mixed feelings. My oldest DD was born before I found my H. He adopted her and she had a lot of issues with the "you're not my real dad" teenage attitude. She also had jealousy issues when we had 2 more children... and had to deal with other family members being snarky. (Kids are cruel) Now she looks back and says she wasted so much time trying to have a relationship with a biological father that wanted nothing to do with her... and ignored her Dad who obviously loved her. Thankfully they are repairing the damage she purposely did to their relationship. So it isn't like I am flying into this all blind... or without empathy.
I hate to say that we are all a part of this community when we didn't ask to be. Everyone has a story and they are heartbreaking. Those of us that discover the presence of an OC (or even those that become pregnant from A)are an even smaller community. I didn't mean to leave ladies out, but my experience has to do with my WH getting his OW pregnant.
I think my story becomes even more strange as OW had basically requested my H to be a stud service. It's a long story and is posted elsewhere.
My D-day was 1/28/16 and the OC had just turned 9. I still don't know how to get myself through all of this. The OC has her mother and a step-father. Supposedly she knows her step father is not her bio father and knows she has bio siblings. On D-day the OW had Facebook messaged my DD (#2) about herself and the OC. This is how we found out. OW asked my DD if she wanted to meet her sister. Yeah... big mess. My kids want nothing to do with OC. Yes, I have told them more than once that I will be supportive of their decisions I just ask for their respect in my wishes that she not be brought to my house. My DD2 is 20 and DS is nearly 18. Both live at home. My eldest DD1, does not know and does not live at home.
Yes, I realize that there are many questions, legal and personal ethics that are at play. Basically, the OW wanted him to father a child with no strings attached. So he did. Now, I worry about this OW showing up and demanding child support. We still have 2 kids at home, had to start all over for the 4th time financially and are paying mortgage as well as all of the normal bills. The loss of my mother left us with some debt. I just worry about losing everything. I know that sounds selfish. Do I think he should be financially responsible? Ethically and legally... yes. But I have to be honest. No I don't want my income taken into consideration. The OW probably makes as much as my husband and I do together anyway. He does not want anything to do with her (OC). Yes I also told him if he does... that is his decision, but I can't be a part of it. While I feel badly for her (OC), knowing she has a bio father that doesn't want to see her... I still don't want my family involved. Yes I know it is mean and selfish. And maybe if they did want to see her, over time I would feel differently. Right now... no.
If anyone has experience with learning about OC... any and all information is welcome. Those that had OC as a result of an A. What did you expect/ hope for? How to handle contact since in most cases NC will not work. Thank you!
I apologize for the rambling nature of the post.

Salty16 posted 10/13/2017 14:02 PM

Oh I also wanted to state that while it is strange, I have Facebook stalked OW's page. I have compared the pics of OC to my own DD2 at same age. There are at least 3 dominant traits that pass through my H's family. I see none of them in this child. I have had my best friend who is brutally honest look as well... she does not think this OC belongs to my husband.
Also, there was supposedly a DNA test done because my H was not the only stud in the barn so to speak. I do know something about those. I know each party receives notification via their preferred mode of communication... certified letter or email to be able to log into secure website. My H states the OW just read and flashed a letter at him, he claims he never received email or letter.
I am curious. I would like to see the letter. Of course my H has no idea what the lab was named and there are so many to choose from. I would like to talk to OW. I doubt I would get the 100% truth.

wifehad5 posted 10/13/2017 19:05 PM

I'm not one to complain much, let alone about a forum I rarely post to, but...

I dislike the term "Dealing with" in the thread title. "Dealing with", to me, implies that the object (in this case, a human child) with which we are dealing is somehow inherently bad. We deal with dirty laundry, crappy bosses, household pests and many other unpleasant things. While the circumstance leading to the conception and birth of an OC are certainly bad and unpleasant in the extreme, the child is completely innocent in the matter. Maybe I'm just reading more into it than I should. It's been a rough week.

Please feel free to suggest a better title. I started this while I was at work today in the interest of getting it out there because there seemed to be a need.

Dorothy123 posted 10/13/2017 19:25 PM

I personally have no problems with original title.

But, if you are looking for suggestion may I suggest

"OC support thread"

BTW, thanks for all you do here wh5.

selfimproved posted 10/15/2017 14:05 PM

I like Dorothy's suggestion for a title. I wasn't trying to be too critical of any person, just throwing it out there.

As for what to do when an A results in an OC, I can only provide my own experience.

I told my WW that I would raise this child as long as OM stayed out of it. We wouldn't ask him for child support (he also has a wife and kids, not fair to them to take from them) as long as he didn't push for any sort of shared custody or visitation. I haven't heard anything from his end since shortly after I informed his wife of the situation, and I have not bothered to contact his wife to inform them that the baby boy was born happy and healthy, but it has only been 3 months. I don't know how he feels, knowing there is a child of his out there in the world without him. If it bothers him, too bad. Consequences and such.

Salty, I honestly wouldn't know where to begin if I were in your shoes. Many people suggest filing for child support from your husband to protect yourself and your children. I do know that I would be livid if anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, went over my head or behind my back to contact my children like that.

Your best bet is probably to go see an attorney and find out what your options are, and how to contest/confirm paternity.

Salty16 posted 10/15/2017 17:04 PM

Selfimproved, livid does not begin to describe how I felt/ feel. I am the typical momma bear. I sent her a message. Polite, but straight forward.
I do not see how/why there would be a need to file for child support. We are together, we are trying to work through this. As far as paternity... I do not wish to initiate suit and create an issue. He is not on the birth certificate and does not wish to have contact or visitation. At this point I feel a visit to an attorney would only be preliminary and basically say yes he had A and the OW became pregnant. Maybe I am wrong?? She has not asked for anything (yet) and since she initiated contact with my DD2, I am sure she will again in the future.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 5:05 PM, October 15th (Sunday)]

selfimproved posted 10/15/2017 19:41 PM

Salty, for some reason, the OW has decided that she has some right or authority to insert herself into your life. It may be that she only wanted to offer your children the oppotunity to get to know OC, or she may be trying to find out whether it is worth trying to get child support or visitation from your WH. Speaking with a competent attorney about the situation should give you an idea about what she can legally do to intrude on your life. I overlooked the fact that your children are all nearly grown and moved out, so the bit about child support may not apply or help you. That is usually the advice given to a BS after the discovery of a pregnancy or OC. The logic begind that is to protect you and the children of the marriage financially, even if you and WS are still together, in case OW files for support from your WH.

I guess my point is, OW contacted your family, so there must be something she wants. It wouldn't hurt to speak to a lawyer and discuss your options just in case she wants more than you are willing to give or she has a legal right to.

[This message edited by selfimproved at 7:42 PM, October 15th (Sunday)]

Salty16 posted 10/15/2017 21:21 PM

She only contacted DD2. At the time she (DD2) was 18, legally an adult. DS is still not 18. They are the only 2 that would be bio siblings to OC. So I don't know if OW had planned it great and contacted my DD2 since she was an adult and I couldn't do anything about it... or if it is because she (OW) thought there may be some urge for my DD2 to meet a sister. I know... it's a jacked up situation. Not every OW and OC comes out of the woodwork 10 years later.
But yes... those 2 are still at home and will be for a while (college).
And no... I don't relish the thought of losing everything because the OW coveted my H and for whatever reason he went along with it.
I don't know how willing my H would be as far as going to an attorney. I think he has a wait and see attitude. Granted... if they (OW and OC) make contact or show up on our doorstep, I will not hesitate. Unfortunately my DD2 deleted the messages and pictures that were sent by OW. The messages were nagging and harassing in nature. Repeatedly telling her to ask her dad about her (OW), the affair and the OC. She deleted them to protect me and because she didn't want the reminder of it all.

lexureyes posted 10/17/2017 08:39 AM

Is there any way to pull a post from the previous thread?

There was a very helpful post with suggestions on how to handle situations and suggestions on how to deal with the legal implications of facing a future with an OC.

It was copied and pasted into the oc threads numerous times to help newly betrayed spouses.

Salty16 posted 10/20/2017 09:50 AM

Not that I want to think about other BS being in the same boat. But I really wish we could get some more information. I have been told I should consult an attorney. Since we are not separated or divorcing... and at this time the OW is not pursuing child support etc... is this really necessary? The last thing I really want is to poke a sleeping bear as well as have to pay the attorney to basically tell me to wait and see what happens.

threestrepsback posted 10/20/2017 18:58 PM

Yes from personal,experience I can say especially if you stay married that seeing a lawyer is eye opening and needed. Especially if there is no will, there are bank accounts with both names, investments, if you have any income,House in both names, life insurance, health insurance, potential to inherit money on either side, a vechile in both names, children in the marriage..... However I have found the bigger issue is the denial and justification not to deal with the issue. It becomes more complicated with time. Child support is retroactive too. I some states it can be collected 6 years after reaching age 18 and some longer. I donít have time to say more. Hopefully some one will come along and bring up other ideas that are open to the idea of support for betrayed spouse is warranted and the special issues in a OC situation.

Salty16 posted 10/22/2017 11:57 AM

Does anyone out there know if consulting an attorney will result in the OW being contacted? I do not want to force her to initiate actions at this point if she truly has no intention. I realize that she may feel a strong objection to my involvement in the life of her child. No, I am not a mean or horrible person and I would never be cruel to a child, she didn't ask for all of this. (Please don't attack me about the rights and obligations of OW, OC and my H. Trust me, I have been over every particle of this in my mind and heart. I do have conflicted feelings AND I have been a single parent that did not want ANYTHING from the bio father.)
As I said before... she has not filed for child support, my H is not on birth certificate and there was supposedly another possibility of bio father. Obviously, if we received any filing in the future the first steps would be to secure an attorney and have a court ordered DNA test.
We do not have a will set up at this moment, but are going to get something pretty basic. Being married, of course we have joint accounts and property, not much but a little. That is pretty cut and dry, if one passes then the other becomes sole owner. I know that from working in banking and also from when my mother passed away.

undertherug posted 10/22/2017 18:52 PM

If you decide to contact an attorney, everything discussed would be under attorney/client privilege. Your attorney would not contact the OW unless YOU request it. It would not hurt to contact a lawyer to find out what you can expect if the OW contacts you again. Knowledge is power. Also, if an attorney already has a file started, it will be easier to get things moving when/if you are ever contacted by this OW.

selfimproved posted 10/22/2017 18:56 PM

Talking to a lawyer should not result in OW being contacted for any reason unless you ask for that.

The real difference between speaking to a lawyer now vs later is this:

You talk to a lawyer now, you know what your options are if A, B, and/or C happen. If A, B, and/or C actually happen, you can call the same lawyer and immediately put Plan X, Y, and/or Z in motion as a response. Your attorney will hopefully have prepared well and have all the i's dotted and t's crossed.

You talk to a lawyer later, after A,B, and/or C have happened and you are playing catch-up against whatever OW may or may not be planning right now.

Phoenix1 posted 10/22/2017 19:21 PM

I'll share my experience, briefly, with two OCs by two different OW.

First OC: Born one month after my youngest, so yeah, preggers at same time. Explained Xhole's mysterious chest pain that year! Didn't learn about OC until 15 yrs later. OW married at time of conception and at time of discovery. Xhole paid secret child support for all those years, even though legally he didn't have to because OW's husband was presumed legal father. So he paid because OW was making threats. Asshole ex didn't bother to find out if she had any legal teeth with her threats, and she didn't. I made OW aware of that when I found out. The gravy train stopped, she was pissed and making all kinds of threats, I threatened federal harassment charges (it was crossing state lines), she told me to stay out of it because according to her it wasn't any of my fucking business, I notified her husband he better get the paternity checked on his youngest son because his wife was fucking my husband for over 15 years, and I made xhole go complete NC. Never heard from her again after I called her bluff and shut off the money train.

Second OC, because apparently Xhole doesn't understand how birth control works: Last OW (single, this time), and the one I kicked him out for and initiated divorce. Learned of OC about three months after he left. She (OC) was just turning one year old. Xhole moved in with OW/OC, they moved to another state (where his elderly mother lives), OW left Xhole after six months by sneaking away while he was at work, she moved to another state (where her parents live), Xhole was pushing for visitation, and OW started pushing for CS. Xhole moved back to my state (lucky me) and basically went off the radar to elude OW and CS. Once he stopped pushing for visitation, OW stopped seeking CS. So I think she was willing to forego CS as long as that meant Xhole wasn't going to be in OC's life. Xhole now disputes paternity, but I don't buy it (nor care).

My kids know of OCs and are not interested in meeting them at this time. Who knows what will happen in the future.

So there's my experience in a nutshell...

Salty16 posted 10/22/2017 20:39 PM

Phoenix, I am so sorry. But I truly appreciate your time in sharing your experience. I know it isn't easy, but thank you.

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