SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Wayward Side

CantSleepCantEat posted 10/23/2017 13:23 PM

No questions here, just reflecting.

BH and I never really celebrated anniversaries when we were dating (all 10 years of it!), but we did make a point to mark the days. That habit continued after we were married, as a way to keep track of the true magnitude of our time together.

Today is 5,000 days.

Before I blew our lives to smithereens, we would have gone out to a favorite restaurant. I would have made a hasty sign declaring the milestone. We'd bother our poor server to take a picture of us holding it. We'd be smiling.

Not today.

nightmare01 posted 10/23/2017 13:42 PM

I'm sorry. Perhaps it's time to stop looking behind and see the future - and start your count over again.

I don't know your story, but as a BH I feel your pain. Life is that way though - not all good and not all bad. We all make bad decisions - those with integrity (like you) own up to the consequences of those decisions and move forward.

Life moves in only one direction, and that's forward. Love your BH - show him that every day. Live with integrity and do the best you can.

Bad things happen to good people, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to any of it. We’re all hanging by a thread in a wind of knives, so all anyone can do is just do their best, deal with whatever happens as it comes up, then continue moving forward.

[This message edited by nightmare01 at 1:43 PM, October 23rd (Monday)]

ISurvivedSoFar posted 10/23/2017 13:47 PM

So how are you going to celebrate moving forward? I know in my situation we realize everything has to change. What we had is no more. So determine what you want and start building it. You are both worth it.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 2:48 PM, October 23rd (Monday)]

CantSleepCantEat posted 10/24/2017 14:08 PM

Thanks, Nightmare and ISurvived.

Maybe someday we can start the count anew, but I don't think we are there. We haven't gotten to "Day 1", yet. Maybe, if he decides to give life with me another try, we can mark that day as a new start. But for now, it's just another small loss on top of a growing pile.

I do try to keep my eyes on the path ahead, and not dwell too much on the what - focusing instead on the why and how.

The sad thing is that the days are more meaningful, now - I'm grateful for them. I appreciate every single one in a way I didn't, before.

H3LL0 posted 10/24/2017 16:08 PM

Maybe, if he decides to give life with me another try, we can mark that day as a new start. But for now, it's just another small loss on top of a growing pile.

Sometimes something has to die before it can live. Maybe your marriage died after the affairs but can it be reborn? Consider renewing your marriage vows and start your count from there, the fresh start?

CantSleepCantEat posted 10/24/2017 16:40 PM

H3LL0 - I'd like to, as a testament to how far we've come. I hope to be given the chance.

strugglebus posted 10/24/2017 16:53 PM

I am a BS but I too feel this loss deeply. I was so proud of the years we spent together, through feast and famine, crisis and triumph. We are closing in on 13 months out and things are good and healing, but I am still not at a place where I can look at this as just another hard time we came through. It seems so much like an ending. It feels like our clock on that marriage ran out at 5955.

Our new count is 393 and they have been the most hard fought days I have ever spent. I feel like he loves me more now than he did before. But that doesn't help much.

SorrowfulMoon posted 10/24/2017 16:53 PM

Yes it is painful to contemplate a broken past and a present that might have been but you need to let that go.

However, the quality of the future is still in your hands. Hopefully, with your husband and a renewed and wiser CSCE, it can be better one for you both. If not, then all your impressive work will surely ensure that it is not a sad and lonely one.

Stay strong and keep up the good progress.

LyraM posted 10/24/2017 18:03 PM

Maybe us e the date you ended the a as a reason to go out!

EvolvingSoul posted 10/24/2017 21:45 PM

Hi there CantSleepCantEat,

I just want you to know that you aren't alone. There is a special kind of sadness that comes when you zoom out and look at the bigger picture, what might have been, coulda shoulda woulda, etc. It happens to everyone, but infidelity and the knowledge that we willingly inflicted the damage we did make it especially painful.

You're doing a good thing by acknowledging and processing the sadness and regret. Let the feelings come and go and try not to identify with them too much. If you focus on hanging onto them you can get swept off into negativity.

One of the things that has helped me a lot is the idea of Wabi-Sabi. It is a Japanese philosophy that has as its underpinning the idea that natural imperfections and the marks of use, wear and tear make an object more beautiful than one that is perfect. This philosophy has been raised to an art form in Kintsugi which is the repair of broken pottery that involves not hiding the cracks but aggrandizing the damage by filling them in with gold, silver or platinum infused lacquer.

During times when I feel deep sadness over the cracks that will never fully disappear in my relationship with BS, I look for ways to fill in those cracks with gold. It is an ongoing process.

Hang in there, sister.

CantSleepCantEat posted 10/24/2017 22:20 PM

EvolvingSoul - Thank you. Your words are so very much appreciated. Sadness and regret still wash over me often, but shame isn't nearly as frequent. I think the sadness is going to be with me for a very long time.

I love the philosophy behind Kintsugi. I have considered buying a piece to keep as a reminder, but so far it's just a wishlist item.

I came across this Kintsugi heart pin on Etsy a few weeks ago, but didn't pull the trigger in time and now they are sold out.