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What do I do?

hurtingheart90 posted 11/16/2017 05:27 AM

My H had an EA with a coworker. It started in Feb this year and DDAY was may 12th. Since then he continued talking to her Ďundergroundí until finally stopping in Sept (or so I thought). DDAY he cried, begged, pleaded with me, said it was just a friendship blah blah blah...anyway we went through a rollercoaster up until DDAY 2 on July 26th when I found his phone records which proved he hadnít stopped talking to her AT ALL (he even called her for over an hour the day after DDAY 1). He then admitted he had feelings for her but wanted to make our marriage work. Again crying, begging, gifts...even a card with a long message in about how he wanted to be my hero again

Anyway, she moved abroad in August to work but from what I know she is coming back in a year.

They exchanged a few texts in August and sept (no calls as I was checking his phone bill...he gaslighted about the texts and removed them from the bill until I questioned it).

I moved out in sept as didnít want to be near him and was trying the 180 which worked to some extent...he was gutted and after 2 weeks no contact he begged me again to come home and he would never let me down again *sigh*

Since then we had been doing well, I had my moments but he had been a lot more affectionate, understanding and actually seemed like he wanted to make things work. He was talking about the future again which he had stopped completely whilst at the height of EA. We have a 1 year old daughter btw, she was 6 months old when his EA started and he said it was because I had lost interest in him.

He told this girl he loved her but says it was a friendship love..eurgh give me a break.

So I just noticed today that her number was back in his phone after being deleted and blocked!
Before I had the chance to say anything it had been deleted again. I havenít mentioned anything and H is out. Iím contemplating just leaving and not coming back. I feel like they may be FaceTiming as you donít get records of that! What do I do? Seems like I have a huge CAKE EATER on my hands. Iím so fed up with his lies, I just know he will lie about this and gaslight!

[This message edited by hurtingheart90 at 5:37 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]

Notthevictem posted 11/16/2017 06:05 AM

Do you have kids with him?

hurtingheart90 posted 11/16/2017 06:09 AM

Yes we have a one year old

strugglebus posted 11/16/2017 06:11 AM

Oh ((hurtingheart90)) he has been putting you through hell. I am so sorry. I don't know what you should do, but I do know that he doesn't sound like he has inclination of stopping this. Is he in IC? What has he done in this year to attempt being a safe partner for you?

The1stWife posted 11/16/2017 06:12 AM

I am so sorry for you. Iíve been down this road before. I hope I can help you and provide some insight.

Google the A fog b/c he is in it. Iíve experienced it. He is addicted to the Affair (A) and Other Woman (OW).

It is hard to fight against this. Trust me b/c we almost divorced (D) due to this. The A is like an addiction. No other way to describe it.

I donít know if there is more to the A besides ďjust talkingĒ. Doesnít matter really b/c he has cheated. And continues to cheat.

Here is where you get to be in control of your life. Most of us experience the same situation where without hard evidence, the cheating spouse will continue to deny there is an affair or that there is a continued affair or that anything happened, blah blah blah.

You know what you saw with a deleted phone number. At this point I donít think you need to provide him with proof.

But you need to take a firm stand. You left him once and he lied lied lied to you. It may be he stopped contact during your separation but it then resumed.

There are apps and Skype and FaceTime etc to enable cheaters to get away with it. Secret phones. Secret email accounts etc.

I suggest a counselor for you if you need support. It marriage counseling for you both as a couple BUT your own counselor.

And then the shÄ%t gets real. Now!!!

You can put a voice activated recorder in his car so you can record conversations. It may provide proof.

You can put GPS on phone to track his location. If needed especially after Miss OW returns to your area.

You can do a number of things to obtain proof. But I maintain you donít need it and you have enough - even if he wonít admit it.

Do not let him gaslight you.

He is still cheating and his words mean nothing at this point. He has told you what he needs to so you wonít leave him.

He wants his A and you.

Only you can decide WHAT YOU WANT.

Take care if you and your child. Because you know more DDays are coming. Iíve been down this road. He is not remorseful. He is just trying to have his cake and eat it too.

I pray you get through this. Keep pistols Ng as you will be much support and great advice.

hurtingheart90 posted 11/16/2017 06:20 AM

We have not been in any counselling yet. Update - he just called and I confronted him. He denied, denied, denied. He said Iíll change my number if you want me to.....proceeded with please baby I love you I havenít done anything wrong I swear.

Head fuck!


I can track him and do regularly. Sheís in a different country atm though so itís not as necessary.

He has been taking me out on dates, we have been enjoying quality time together. He maintains he doesnít think he cheated as was just friends with feelings. I havenít asked him about his feelings for a while so I presume he still has them for her. I donít feel safe in our marriage - what can he do to make me feel safe again?

Iím fully aware of the fog and that he was if not still is in it! OW is nothing special...none of them are. Sheís just come out of a shitty relationship so I suspect their Ďrelationshipí was a lot of ego rubbing.

Will his feelings for her ever go?

[This message edited by hurtingheart90 at 6:24 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]

strugglebus posted 11/16/2017 06:37 AM

His feelings will go IF AND ONLY IF he wants them to. And he is going to actually do something for that to happen. IC, reading the books in the healing library, if she is still working with him (even remotely oversees) that is a link and he needs to get a new job if he is still infatuated.

Take him up on changing his number, have him do it TODAY. Give him the chance to show concrete action. Let him know anything that would make you feel better. I know some couples give up smartphones completely to get through this transition.

hurtingheart90 posted 11/16/2017 06:51 AM

She isnít working for the firm anymore so no links there, however they have all the mutual coworkers and she stays in contact with a few of them...she even went on a night out with them in Oct (she was visiting home for the weekend) but of course H didnít go. Sheís likely to go on their Christmas do too so will have to see whether he decides not to go to that too.

She got her friend who still works with H to tell him that she hates him...eye roll. He told me about this but only after a bit of digging.

I feel like sheís not going to let it go anytime soon, so that leaves the door open her end. It does worry me that when sheís back sheíll try and Ďbump into himí. I donít get the impression she wants him to leave me though? So what does she want? I guess thatís not important.

My H dislikes being disliked and as he is quite high up at work doesnít want her bad mouthing him....at least that was his excuse when I asked why he even entertained a conversation about her with her friend...so childish.

It would be tough to get him to leave his job...he has just been promoted and his position would be hard to get elsewhere. It does make me worry that she has links to him through mutual colleagues though.

psychmom posted 11/16/2017 07:22 AM

He seems addicted to the attention, drama, living a fantasy life where he's the big star in his own little drama. What he needs is a huge kick in the crotch to wake him up to see what harm he is doing to you, what a complete ads he is being, how far down the path of infidelity he has already traveled.

Is it possible for him to change jobs? At a minimum it would provide some evidence that he understands the seriousness of this situation ( has he been offered "just not friends" to read? He should do so). My H started with an EA at work. When it was clear she wasn't interested in more, he,was crushed and had 2 subsequent PAs. Their head is f%cked to say the least. They need to be brought back to reality to see if there's anything worth saving. The saying around here is you must be willing to risk the M to save it. I buy that entirely. A firm, nonnegotiable line in the sand is needed. Boundaries, rules, clear expectations. He either rises to the occasion or continues to sink into the darkness. That choice will be entirely up to him.

You sound strong, hurting. Use that strength to your advantage. This is a horrible place he's forced you to visit...this place of lying, manipulation and gaslighting. Many cheaters CAN be awakened from this delusion. But then you need to determine use if he's still worth someone as wonderful as you are.

Iwantmyglasses posted 11/16/2017 07:24 AM

Before you both go any further. Both of you need to read. Not Just Friends. Listen to it on audible. Something. Together!

If you let him rugsweep this you will never move on.

He needs to be Involved somehow in the home and taking care of the baby. He is very immature.

Did he stop to think what it was like for you! New baby. Squishy tummy. Spit up on you all the time. Canít wear your normal jewelry because baby pulls on it and breaks it.


He is still in an active affair. Go to your profile. See the search function. Type in Sassy. There is a poster named SassyLee. Read her story. This is what needs to happen.


He also needs to read how to help your spouse heal.

This has nothing to do with you. Your husband is immature with poor coping skills. Being a parent doesnít get easier. This baby will need a ton of attention later as well as now.

These boards are full of stories of uninvolved husbands who have affairs in mid-life.

hurtingheart90 posted 11/16/2017 07:46 AM

I have Ďnot just friendsí and have skimmed through it, H has offered to read...before he does....can anyone give a little insight as to how it will help him?

He was definitely enjoying having 2 woman totally heart broken over him. He is a huge attention seeker also so the A was probably fuelling his need to be desirable. I think (and I could be wrong) that he doesnít want her to hate him so he tries to keep her sweet even though he doesnít really want her...Iím quite certain it was never about me or her and all about HIS EGO. Itís like he canít stand to be disliked by her. He also asks me ALOT Ďdo you hate meí itís all ME ME ME. Never mind how I feel about myself after he has ripped me to pieces.

I am so much stronger today than I have been. Lost weight, got my Ďmojoí back

He now seems paranoid that someone is going to snatch me away. I get questioned quite a lot on my whereabouts...I put this down to his guilty conscience. He doesnít like to see me independent and not needing him although during his horrid blame shifting stage he said I was too dependant on him (Iíve never been dependant on him but of course I needed his financial input more whilst on maternity - which we discussed prior to having the baby he desperately wanted).

He seems to be textbook WH! Should that give me hope certain tactics such as 180 will work on him? I donít think I gave it long enough last time. I know 180 is for me...but it definitely spiked his interest in R before.


sewardak posted 11/16/2017 08:02 AM

I think you should have some requirements to even consider reconciling with him that are not negotiable:

polygraph
IC for him
post nup

sewardak posted 11/16/2017 08:03 AM

I think you should have some requirements to even consider reconciling with him that are not negotiable:

polygraph
IC for him
post nup

also, he needs to see her as his accomplice in stabbing you in the back. and not be nice to her or think sweetly of her, etc.

hurtingheart90 posted 11/16/2017 08:26 AM

Iíd love for him to see her like that but....how? I have said Ďshe encouraged you to be a shit person and lieí he still defended her.

sewardak posted 11/16/2017 08:38 AM

so it's not your job to change his mind but only set boundaries around yourself.
you could say, "I'm not going to be married to someone who sees his mistress in a good light."

he's still in the affair fog and/or the affair.
again, polygraph, IC for him and NC with her or you need to be done.
do not play the pick me game with him or try to convince him to change his thinking. that is on him.
more 180 but not one ounce of bullshit from him.
you are worth it!
he fixes himself or he never sees you again. even if you limp along like you currently are, you will lose respect for yourself unless you put the hammer down.

[This message edited by sewardak at 8:39 AM, November 16th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 11/16/2017 11:16 AM

The answer to your question is another question:

What do you want to do? I recommend answering that even if you think it's unattainable. Then keep answering the question until you get something attainable as close as possible to what you want.

For example, in my case, I couldn't turn back time and prevent the A, but because my W was remorseful, I could build a new M.

I'm for changing his phone number without forwarding from the old number. 'Without forwarding' is important.

You say'the 180' worked. Did you mean that the 180 brought him around? That's not the 180. The 180 is aimed at helping a BS detach from an unremorseful WS. It is not at all about manipulating the WS. Remember that if you do the 180 again.

Is your H in IC to change from cheater to good partner and to give up his need to be liked? If he doesn't do those things, he's very likely to betray you again, IMO.

hurtingheart90 posted 11/16/2017 13:01 PM

When I say it worked, I mean it did help me detach from him and realise I can live happily without him, which in turn made him come to a realisation that he may lose me for good. Bonus? That led to a really open and honest chat where he seemed way more genuine than before. He began making more effort in R and what I thought was him being more honest.

Heís still adamant he has not spoken to her for around 8 weeks. So confused.

I have told him he needs to start seeing OW as someone who helped tear his wife apart and not as someone who Ďhelped himí when he felt down. He agreed. Weíll see.

No IC for either of us at this point...not sure how I feel about it. Iíve been put off by someone who says it made their H believe he was justified and entitled to the Ďhappinessí A brought him

[This message edited by hurtingheart90 at 1:02 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

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