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Thoughts on No exact A starting date

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Angelvictorious posted 12/7/2017 18:45 PM

I am looking for the thoughts of others here that have no ws A starting date and how they feel about that?
Sometimes I'm glad, I think maybe not knowing might be a good thing. Idk. Other times I think it would be easier to know so I had a focal point to just get past and be done with it. Instead I have worked out a timeline from what he has told me and it could be anywhere from dec4-17th taking out a few days for weekends when he was home. I know and tell myself in the big picture it really doesn't matter, it happened, it's done and there is nothing a known date is going to do to change that. But as I'm in that period right now, it's really bothering me and I asked again today, and was again told he does not remember. He only remembers that it started in December because he got 'nothing' in November from me and hadn't met up with her yet. He had kept putting her off when she would ask to finally catch up for a coffee and chat (she's from his past resurfacing through facebook). He said it's not like with me where he knows dates, and he cared. This thing, (this POS who is married with grown kids herself), was easy sex for him after being chased up and meant nothing so he says he just can't remember exactly when he crumbled because it didn't matter to him. The story hasn't changed since dd and I have to accept it but I'm frustrated that I can't just pass it by quickly it's drawn out now.

kaygem posted 12/7/2017 19:30 PM

Believe it or not my fWH told me his ONS's started a full 3 YEARS before they actually did!! WTH??!!

I found out by extensive online sleuthing that they didn't start till 2013. He was so unaware, it really pissed me off. I mean who ADDS to bad part of the story..something that makes him look worse and ISN'T true??

I think some WS's have infidelity induced amnesia. I really do.

Angelvictorious posted 12/7/2017 19:55 PM

"Infidelity induced amnesia" thank you, I needed a little chuckle. And yes indeed, why would you add time to the situation! Guess they really don't care about it or remember. They have nothing to loose by disclosing it at the beginning when hell is breaking lose anyway and that's kind if why I lean towards believing him, but still, frustrating that it will seem longer than it needs to be.

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/7/2017 23:20 PM

I have a general idea, month and year. That was enough for me. It was enough pain I guess. Everyone is different.

BlueinStLou posted 12/8/2017 00:40 AM

From where I am - you are lucky. At one point my WH's whore set up a new email for him, so that they could continue the A after I was told it was over. She chose the date they first met in person and had sex as part of the email address.

I would give a lot to NOT know that. However, I am sure that there are down sides the other way too. Especially with it being so close to the holidays (in your case).

TenaciousMe posted 12/8/2017 00:51 AM

Not remembering dates is actually a thing. A lot of WSes honestly do not care enough to keep track.

I just found out about a new OW a few days ago... and he didn't even realize he had slept with her and then OW#2 just 6 days apart. He said, "I thought it was longer than that... but I wouldn't have cared anyway. They meant nothing to me."

So yeah, they are so incredibly self-absorbed (my Wh's words), they really do not keep track.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/8/2017 01:02 AM

Log into his facebook and look under activity log. That will tell you when they started talking, anyway. And you can read their deleted posts, too, I think.

Lionne posted 12/8/2017 01:06 AM

I have no clear picture of when my h's infidelity began. He is a sex addict, indulging in compulsive masturbation and escalating to internet porn, random flirting, then EAs, PAs and tons of lap dances. It went on in some way, shape and form, for most of my marriage. Of course, I KNEW when d day occurred, but, in reality, trickle truth went on for months.

Now, I can hardly remember which year it was. I actually use my old SI posts to figure that out. It's a good thing, I don't obsess about antiversaries anymore.

But you are in the first throes of this trauma. The more you know, the more you feel in control of what was and is your life. He needs to provide with as accurate a timeline as he can. Then you can pick yourself up and begin to heal.

Lawyerman posted 12/8/2017 06:49 AM

Amnesia is a good one. She pretty much wrecked our marriage and my sanity but can't remember if it was before or after Xmas.

OM can't seem to remember ever meeting her when I ask him man to man.

Fucking idiots.

CaptainRogers posted 12/8/2017 06:51 AM

While there was no exact starting date for my wife's A, it doesn't exactly bother me. I saw texts that were "flirty" with emoji's being sent from her (but his responses were professional) all the way back to October of last year. She crossed a variety of boundaries along the way, kicking things into full gear the day after Christmas. But, to me, the "official" start date really doesn't matter. What matters to me is that there was an end date.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 6:55 AM, December 8th (Friday)]

threedecades posted 12/8/2017 07:18 AM

I am in need of a starting date because that tells me where and what was happening in our relationship. The point forward when WH started his EA turned PA, I remember a trip we took together and how great it was to spend alone time with him and reconnect- so I thought! He was already involved. Such a blow to find out I thought we were going in one direction but in realty he was going left.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 12/8/2017 08:09 AM

I recall feeling so frustrated that Mr. ISurvived could not remember the beginning of his PA. I really thought he was purposely keeping it from me. Through our therapies, we discovered a lot of issues with Mr. ISurvived's mental health and found that in fact, he could not remember this part of his A but could provide me incredible detail about other parts of his A including dates, times, conversations, etc.

I feel as Captain feels now. It doesn't matter and I don't want to recall any A dates some of which are seared in my brain. Because he could conjure up details of other aspects of his A and often has no memory of things we do together now, helps me believe him and push the need to know aside.

In time the need to know wanes and we get more out of their emotional state and thinking patterns than the details of the A that were so important just past d-day. I'm glad we don't obsess over the details forever because it was just about to drive me insane at the time.


NeedingClosure posted 12/8/2017 09:05 AM

We can't pinpoint exactly when the friendship turned into an EA. I've done my best, with my fWH's help, to figure out the when. We know when things began to escalate and can get a pretty firm grip on when the EA turned into a PA, though even this is fuzzy (I can nail down a week). But, I know exactly when they had sex and how many times they had sex.
I am not sure if it is better or worse to have these details. My fWH was in grad school when the A happened. We think it began after Christmas break, but I asked my fHW if he missed the AP over break and he had a hard time remember if he missed her or not. If it had been a clear, "Yes, I missed her" then I would have dated the EA as starting earlier. But, as it stands (His response was, "I don't remember actively thinking about or missing her anymore than I missed other friends"), I believe it began after break (end of January). This is good for me because at least it doesn't ruin Christmas (though Valentine's day can go F**k itself).

sisoon posted 12/8/2017 09:46 AM

I think truth and honesty are the issue here.

My W couldn't remember the date of the first A sex, but she's just not a date and sequence thinker, so her not remembering fits a pattern that I've known about from the start. Neither of us remembers the dates of our first date, first kiss, first love making, most significant times together. Being a date person myself, I can figure out many of the dates on which we did things, but not all; she was such a (pleasant) shock to my system that all memory of the dates just never made it into my memory.

If your H is generally fuzzy about dates, that's one thing. If he's usually precise, he may very well be holding back, which is not positive for R.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:47 AM, December 8th (Friday)]

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/8/2017 18:45 PM

Do you have a general idea?

It hurts so much trying to figure what is and is not tainted. I get that and think that way. Every memory is through that filter. My mind is constantly processing that way. I don't have an exact date but I guess I don't need it. I mean, it was not meaningful to my H so he would probably have to sit and think it through and research it. Nah. He had an LTA. I asked if they had anniversaries. No. Nothing special to the date. He remembers so little. I didn't believe him. We just had a MC session about it. The MC said that is was entirely possible because he suspects that everything was about 'being fed' and a high and she was a means to an end so he really didn't think. I don't get that . It is so hard to take in how twisted that is. It's scary.

Then again, my H is one that remember when we met, when we officially strarted dating and celebrated that every montgh until we got M. He knows the date of our first time (wedding day). He waited 2 years for me. He then always remembered my bday and our anniversary, even when he was a crappy cheater. Maybe I can take some solice that it wasn't the same at all.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 6:46 PM, December 8th (Friday)]

sohurtbyhim posted 12/8/2017 21:33 PM

I have been in R for almost 6 years now, but one of the things that still bothers me is that I don't have a starting date-even an approximate date. He said they didn't have sex until end of a month or beginning of the next month, which would have made their affair about 13 months long, but she told me they were together for 2-1/2 years.

I tend to believe her because I know WH did not think that kissing, having oral sex, etc. constituted having an affair, so it is entirely possible that in his mind the A didn't start until the time they had "sex", but prior to that they were doing everything else.

I would prefer to know but I have just sort of resigned myself to the fact that I'll never know. Some days it matters to me and some days it doesn't. I hope you find your peace.

Twinkies posted 12/10/2017 11:39 AM

Yeah, my H said it started "around the holidays". I guess he was correct, the day after Halloween is near a Holiday. I just normally think Christmas. No big deal, just added about two months to the timeline in my head when I actually found that piece out. BTW he needs to come up with something deeper than, I didn't get any from you in November.

Take care, take your time.

Angelvictorious posted 12/10/2017 16:52 PM

Just want to say thanks so much for the replies, I really appreciate each one of them and get something constructive out of them all.
Well last night after what was a good day together I started asking questions again. Im beginning to realise the start date is probably never coming but the birthday/valentines day dates are pretty damn significant and I thought after reading here that if he remembers those dates he can remember what he did on them! I knew in my heart but I had to hear him admit it and last night, I got my dreaded answer. Yes, she did visit on his birthday still says no to the other days. I just don't believe anything now. Why lie to me all this time? Says not to hurt me more and that every year he will have to live with what he did that day. Well so do I. Why couldn't he have sent her away? Surely he could have said he had to go, that he didn't have time, anything but F her that evening while we sat here waiting for him! It just shatters me to think about it more now it's confirmed. He says we didn't make love that night, that we never slept together the nights that he had been with her, but I'm not so sure, I'm pretty certain we did and it's making me want to vomit thinking about it. He slept on the couch last night and then we argued a bit early hours this morning when he came back to bed. Then sends me a text from work this morning about how he is having a hard time today!! He's having a hard time?? No asking how am I? No sorry for being a liar all this time. Yes, he said all that last night but it would have been nice to hear it again before telling me how hard his day is! Selfish dumbass.

nlwsrw posted 12/10/2017 20:23 PM


Your dilemma is so like mine of 24 years ago. In Sept 1993 after we returned from a sensual 5th anniversary in Cancun, WW began attending antique auctions with her BF and coworker..who invited her 4 time married predator brother along. I began an 8 month extended 7 day work schedule as the sinister sister and POS brother worked my WW. By Oct WW was riding to auctions in POS brother's Nov. they were meeting for lunch at sister's house. WW was so clever..I was exhausted by 65 hour work weeks...but she was suspicions.

The week to 10 days before Christmas sinister sister had a small intimate Christmas party one evening with 3 couples...yep WW and POS brother were a couple. She had her first make-out session that night..the wife i married 5 years earlier would have slapped the little fucker to the ground..he was 5ft-7in...when he kissed her. But the adulteress wife she had become responded sometime before unknown to her...they were fuckin'.

Angel..I spiral out of control every Christmas for 20 years silently..until 2013/14..their 20th anniversary...the pain surfaced...but in the form of PTSD. In a condition of R...i agreed to WW demand that no information of the A would be allowed..she acknowledged the A but it stops there...major ERROR by me. Now 24 years later WW claims little memory of the A..likely true..she has been a model wife for 24 years...but now I am seriously damaged..

Nothing but runaway thoughts, visual image looping..she told me on feb 10, 1994 4 days before my birthday...valentine's day..she wanted a divorce..she wanted to be with POS on Valentine day....I had NO WARNING WHAT SO yes when she realized her mistake in March 1994...she had fucked our original, beautiful marriage away.

Angelvictorious posted 12/11/2017 07:18 AM

I'm so unhappy right now . Once again I'm going to sleep alone, he has left the room. Not without having his say, pissing me off to the point I want to scream but can't! I'm so angry. I can't live like this. The thought of driving my car into a tree is more appealing every day. I imagine what it would be like while I'm driving. This thought does worry me a little. Im not sure if it's a normal thought or if I am actually loosing it. I'm So sick of feeling like shit when I'm not the one who F someone else! If I just said nothing and pretend to be myself, things would be wonderful he would be so happy and trying to fix things but because I'm so bad he is shutting off and it's feeling hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm barely breathing. I feel like it's a waste of time. Everything is a waste of time. I don't think I can do this but I don't want to split either. What a F'd life we lead now. I'm just so tired of it all.

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